Saturday, December 31, 2011

Looking back and moving forward

The last day of 2011.

A lot have happened, I broke up with my boyfriend, I gained a lot of weight, I was confined in San Lazaro Hospital, Fred moved to AIDS stage, I had self-esteem issues, most of the people I know and who are close to me had their own bouts and episodes of painfully heart breaking break-ups. Despite of all the challenging events, there are also a lot of things that I have to be thankful for and which have opened my eyes and heart...

I realized that death is a catalyst to make our lives better and to move forward and dream more. The more we know that we are like any other impermanent thing in this universe, the more we can do something to live life and be alive.

I've met new people online and have moved on to becoming friends with them; some did make an impact on me, and I would like to say my thanks to the new people in my life who make me happy. You will never be forgotten. Moja-Moja, we are fighting the same battle with our condition and you have your own battle to conquer, thank you for being such an entertainer in any manner possible, move-on and move forward, take care of your health. @_poyee , thank you for letting me in, I may be the occasional jerk, but believe me, you make me happy, you reminded me of myself during my days of young; go forth and reach that dream, do not let anyone be a hinder on what you want to become someday. You will be what you to be.

I have met a lot of new twitter friends too, despite of them being the online friends, I greatly appreciate their presence specially during my "episodal" tweets. Thank you for making me smile and for all the down-dirty-sex maniac discussions we have and the many we will have.

To my PLHIV friends, we will be alive, we will be well. I have already met some of you, and may we have so many years of happiness and good health together.

To Mugen, you have indeed proven that real friendship crosses the boarders of physical presence, time, and space for it to exist. We barely saw each other, as in barely, but that only made our friendship grow stronger, proving the norms wrong. Thank you for the time and great effort, specially the unconventional friendship we have flourished through the years. Cheers!

Raztanizta, Pedro, and the my ever maniac straight friend the Head Chopper of kingdom Cum; thank you for the friendship and to our musical adventures, you guys are all I want for a dream boy (Paging Pedro). As during one of our sessions where you forced me to stay up all night... We came up with the following:

"Minsan ka lang makakakita ng taong makakasundo mo, isasaalangalang mo pa ba ang pagkakaibigan niyo?"

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero para siyang kumpleto".

Para sa inyo ito... ito ang tinapos kong tulang ginawa nating tatlo nung gabing hindi niyo ako pinatulog ng maayos!

-Bigla na lang-

Iba't ibang sekswalidad
Iba't ibang personalidad
Isang lalakeng ladlad
Isang lalakeng sa tattoo ay tadtad
Isang babaeng baliktad

Mga palaging biktima ng mga biglaang lakad.
At kung saan saan napapadpad.

Tila mga utak ay kay tataas ng lipad
Kadalasan nama'y mga katawa'y susuray-suray,
sa tindahan, sa daan, sa gate, sa sala, sa kusina,
sa banyo, sa sofa, sa Northpark…
Sa mga kotse ng mga kaibigang…
hindi maalala kung sinu at anu ang pangalan,
minsan pa ay akalang taxi drayber.

Tatlong pagkatao
Tatlong hindi talo-talo
Na hindi patatalo
Sa anu mang pagsubok ng mundo
Tuloy ang buhay.

To PJ, it has been more than a decade, no word or phrases can describe our friendship nor just you and how I am thankful we have endured so many years of so many dramas and whatever. You are indeed a true treasure I will forever keep deep inside my heart and across my very existence.

To Aubrey, you are the platonic girl friend I always and will ever have. I love you!

Xhan, thank you for staying and for being a friend. Hindi man naging totoo ang akala kong magiging akin, naging atin naman and pagkakaibigang totoo. Andito lang ako.

To all the people who were at my side during my times of dismay, and to the unmentioned names which are so many to mention. Thank you so much, may we have many years more to share , endure, and be happy with. We will move forward. Onward to our dreams!

To the readers of the Bohemian Diary, thank you from the deepest depth of my heart for reading the story of my life. There are still and will be more stories to tell, and I hope you will never get tired of visiting and reading my blog. Thank you for the kind words, occasional violent reactions, and cheering up. I will continue to write as the Supernova shares its light to the world.

To my dad, you may not know the existence of this blog. However, I want the world to know that I am truly blessed to have such an understanding, supportive and accepting father. You are a warrior of God, and I am just a boy,  a son... Wanting his father to to be at his side, hold his hand, and say everything will be alright. You did.

Angel, the man behind the boy of the Bohemian Diary, you are forever etched in my soul, you are who I am. We have proven that true love do exist after romance, and true love never dies whatever form it may have and may be. You are my home, and I will forever be your boy.


Treasure the people who were at your bed side when you were sick. Those are the ones who care & will be with you 'till your last breath. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

9 PM on December 16th

What day is it today?
Oh it's another Friday
It didn't seem to be such a long day
Although it took three hours, on the way

To come home.

Listening to a new album
While I look for a little broom
To clean my dusty and messy place, that smells of faint perfume
On my bed, I pushed pillows aside to make room

To lay down and write.

What's with all this rhymes in poetry?
Is it really that necessary?
I don't think so, as long as it can carry...
A sensible thought and a message to many

That is so, I think
I write on and on, but I'm done here, in a blink.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

10 Questions

  1. What is love?
  2. Why do we fall in love?
  3. Why do we fall out of love?
  4. What is an open relationship?
  5. Why does question number four have to be true?
  6. Why is there a need to be with someone?
  7. What does it mean to love someone? 
  8. Is there really a forever?
  9. What is fidelity?   
  10. Are you alone?
I may know the answers to all of my questions including the general definitions and some form of philosophical explanations and examples. However, those are the questions that we may never be truly able to define correctly, the answers after all, are mainly subjective. 

After some encounters in the past and the not so distant a-while-ago, I again ask myself those questions. 

So I detach myself. It will begin soon. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Musikang sariling atin, tila tinangay na ng hangin.

Ang daming nahuhumaling sa mga imported na kanta, isa na ako doon, pero tinatangkilik ko at todo supporta naman ang binibigay ko pagdating sa musikang sariling atin. Nakakalungkot lang makita at isipin na tila wala masyadong supporta at kasikatang naibibigay sa mga lokal nating musikero at musikera na hamak na mas magaling pa sa kahit sinung sikat na imported na mangangawit ngayon. Malaking bagay din kasi ang timpla ng panlasa ng mga Pilipino, kaya hindi masyadong nabibigyan ng airplay ang karamihan sa mga lokal nating musikero. Yung ibang kantang imported na pinapatugtog sa radyo ngayon ay walang kalaman-laman kung hindi puro kahalayan, seks, panlalandi, at kung anu-anu pang kakornihan sa buhay tapos i-auto-tune pa ang boses, jusko, ganyan na ba kababa ang kaledad ng mga musika ngayon? Tulad na lang ng isang kantang sikat na sikat ngayon na kinanta ng isang babae, na puro panlalandi lang naman ang laman ng kanta, anung paki ko sa malalaki mong suso o sa mga nag-gagandahang katawan ng mga lalake sa music video mo? Wala.

Sana ay bigyan naman natin ng pansin at pagkakataon ang mga lokal nating musikero at muli nating bigyang buhay ang lokal na industriya ng musikang Pilipino.

Tuwing Sabado sa Jam 88.3 mula alas-sais ng umaga hanggang alas-sais ng hapon, ay wala silang pinapatugtog kung hindi mga kantang Pilipino, Tagalog man o Ingles, lahat ay sariling atin. Makinig kayo at pakinggan ang galing ng ating mga solong mangangawit at mga banda, at sana ay magkaroon ng bagong mukha ang musikerong Pinoy sa puso at isip niyo. 

Narito ang sampung music videos na mga paborito kong pakinggan at panoorin. Yung iba sa kanila ay kilala at alam niyo na, yung iba, hindi ko alam kung kilala niyo na; pero sana ay panoorin niyo at baka o sana ay mahumaling kayo sa musikang gawa ng mga kapwa Pilipino.












Sunday, December 11, 2011

Will you live to tell your story? The HIV/AIDS Global Statistics as of November 2011

    • More than 34 million people now live with HIV/AIDS.
    • 3.4 million of them are under the age of 15.
    • In 2010, an estimated 2.7 million people were newly infected with HIV.
    • 390,000 were under the age of 15.
    • Every day more than 7,000 people contract HIV—nearly 300 every hour.
    • In 2010, 1.8 million people died from AIDS.
    • 250,000 of them were under the age of 15.
    • Since the beginning of the epidemic, more than 60 million people have contracted HIV and nearly 30 million have died of HIV-related causes.





    Infected or not, HIV stops with us.

    We will live to tell our story.

    Stop the spread of the virus. Protect yourself and be informed. 


    Don't be a part of the statistics, be part of prevention.

    Data source: www.amfar.org
    Data as of: November 2011

    Friday, December 9, 2011

    Nang dahil sa isang commercial: Coca-Cola Where Will Happiness Strike Next: The OFW Project

    Wala ako halos alaala ng aking kabataan na kasama ang daddy ko. Dahil dalawang taong gulang pa lang pala ako nung umalis siya papuntang Saudi. Umuuwi siguro siya, pero bibihira. Ang kaibigan kong si Astro na nagtatrabaho sa Singapore ang nagsabi sa akin na panoorin ko raw ang bagong commercial ng Coke. Naantig ang damdamain ko, lalo na yung tatay na mahigit isang dekadang nagtatrabaho abroad. Mahigit isang dekada rin na nagtrabaho ang daddy ko sa Saudi. Ilang taon ng aking kabataan ang hindi niya nakita, ang hindi niya nasubaybayan. Nung nagkita kami, malaki na ako. Parang si tatay Joey Doble sa commercial, kay tagal din niyang nawala at malaki na ang bunso niyang anak nung makapiling niya, ako naman ay highschool na nung makita ko muli ang daddy ko. Yun nga, nang dahil sa isang commercial ay naantig ang damdamin ko at kaya ako bumangon agad sa kama at ni-blog ko itong commercial na ito

    Iba nag tama ng commercial na ito sa akin. Ngayon na lamang kami nagkakakilanlan ng daddy ko.


    Para sa lahat ng mga OFW na nagtatatrabaho para sa kanilang mga pamilya, sige lang, kayod lang. Mahirap, pero maraming kayong biyayang naipaparating sa inyong mga mahal sa buhay. Marami kayong sakripisyo sa buhay bilang sobrang layo niyo sa inyong pamilya, pero alang-alang sa pagmamahal, gagawin niyo lahat ng iyan. Alam kong ibang klase din ang katatagan ng loob niyo. 

    Mabuhay kayong lahat!






    Thursday, December 8, 2011

    Detachment, Endeavor, Discipline

    Now at age 29, the writer behind the Bohemian Diary is doing a lifestyle overhaul. Detachment, is one word he has been uttering himself for weeks. Detaching himself from worldly pleasures he is used to; he is now going bare and back to basics. His nude picture that he posted on his birthday is a testament of shedding out his old skin and adapting a new one. His endeavor will be full of challenges, considering his old lazy and procrastinating self is being turned around and will bare a new leaf.

    Endeavor, meat no more.

    Today is Canonista's day 1 of becoming a vegetarian. Back in the mid 2000s he was one and did not have any difficulty becoming one. It only happened that he stumbled upon a few roadblocks on his thesis making days and got so stressed out that when he saw a roasted rib of pork, he stared at it in amazement and to some universal miracle it spoke back to him, saying... "eat me". So he did, and his vegetarian days were over. Looking back during those days of eating nothing but plants, there was a certain lightness, aside from that he only weighted 129lbs, he was energetic, never got sick a single day and was very physically strong. Today, he is morbidly overweight with a self-esteem down on the ground. He now targets to have a weight of 126lbs, 3 lbs lighter when he first went vegan; that will be his thinnest ever and lightest he will ever be.

    Becoming a vegetarian at his current condition will be a challenging one. He must make sure that he still gets all the nutrients he needs, taking into consideration he is not taking vitamin pills and the stress levels he usually get from work. His food intake must not be only nutritious, but also filling enough to get through the day. Another challenge is that he will and must not succumb to external factors such as peers gnarling voraciously at the cooked corpses of animals made into different forms and tastes.

    This has a long overdue plan and must materialize and therefore be instilled not only in his lifestyle, but also in his mind and heart.

    Vegetarianism is healthy, but not limiting himself to not eating dairy; it does not involve killing animals in the process anyway, it has so many benefits aside from losing weight, but also gaining a fitter and stronger  body.

    Tarot card reading.

    One fine day, along the way from his exhaustive training day from work. Canonista decided to get off the train and hop out at the Cubao station and fill his need to buy books. He found himself browsing the wide selection of books Powerbooks have. He found himself at the New Age section of the bookstore  and found a Sandman box. It said "in celebration of" on it and he was curious what it was all about so he read more of what was said on the box; he then found out that it was a tarot card deck made in celebration of the Vertigo comics' 20th anniversary. He had never read any of Vertigo's comics and was only familiar with the Sandman character. However, his fascination with that character was more of an art appreciation rather than of the story. He then bought the deck of cards with his belief that it can be a tool to what the universe has to say about his life and his future and other people's future once he has acquired the skills in reading the cards. Canonista has always been a firm believer that we are all interconnected in this vast universe in one way or another and we are also connected with it, that we are not mere small beings in its vastness, but rather a significant and part of its life. After paying at the cashier, he then hurried home, reaching his condo unit before the sun sets for that day.

    He skipped reviewing for the next day's quiz but rather read the book that accompanied the tarot card deck, and was awestruck on the cards' artworks. They are not the traditional tarot card deck he thought, and it would take a bizarre mind to interpret. Quite fitting for someone whose imagination only ceases to stop when he is asleep; Canonista thought that these cards are the right cards for him, as bizarre as himself and as abstract as his mind.

    After a few hours of reading the book, he then made his first reading using the 3 card spread. Unskillfully, he shuffled and draw cards. A few days after that, he bought another book at the same bookstore where he bought his tarot deck, he purchased a Tarot Bible, he made a reading that same night using the Learning Spread. This time, he is now more convinced and was a little shocked at what power the cards have or rather the impact on his mind it had. The tarot is merely a reflection of the reader's mind, so every reading is subjective rather than objective, just like when someone is looking at an abstract painting, the reader interpret's the cards on a particular layout based on his what the cards mean and on his own personal interpretation, how to weave the cards' connection to one another is also based on the reader's psychological state. Canonista has then have a better insight on himself as well as awareness.

    A few minutes ago, while he was writing this article for his blog, midway, he had an urge to do a reading. He used the Gypsy Spread which is a more elaborate layout. It had a past, present and future content as most spreads have, but this one covers more aspects of one's life. He was more interested in the future, but then he understood more about the layout and so he went through each card and on every phase of life (past, present, future) and read it up using the accompanying book as well as what was written in the Tarot Bible. He then thought that the cards are also a way to put a sense of direction in his life, but not dictate where he needs to go. Before doing the reading, he looked up a few articles regarding the zodiac outlook for him in 2012, he was not contented so he asked the cards. Uncannily, the cards seem to give him somewhat the same message of what the zodiac outlook gave him.

    _MG_7555
    The Gypsy Spread and the cards he draw for his reading.

    _MG_7556
    Ace of Swords (focused on lower left): Cutting through Illusion, Realizing the way forward, courage, thinking things through very clearly, facing conflict or pain honestly.
    Wheel of Fortune (middle right): Change of circumstances; events taking place of their own accord, without conscious control. There is no certainty in life except uncertainty, synchronicity and coincidence, the only constancy is change itself.

    _MG_7557
    The Fool: The eternal optimist, ready to leap into anything, going on a personal quest, pure and uncorrupt.  Wildness, taking risks, some kind of leap of faith, following your own path.

    _MG_7560
    Some of the cards of the Vertigo Deck.

    Discipline.

    Is what Canonista lacks in most aspects of his life, thus now is the time to have it, instill and do. He may have so many ideas and goals, but none will materialize if he lacks the discipline to put everything he wants in order and in bright and better perspective.

    As he looks forward to the new year, embracing change and leaving luggage behind this year. He strives to be a better person.

    The Hermit.

    In relation to the detachment from meat, Canonista will also or has already been detaching himself not only to eating meat, but also to other forms of media. He believes that the less one know, the less one will stress about life, but then again, knowledge is power; contradicting to that belief of his. However, to defend that, cutting his cable TV puts him more at peace with himself and with his world, knowing so little of such political wars and other news puts himself in a state of naivety. Which is what he has been wanting, not engorging on such topics that he sees unworthy of his time and emotions, being the "kiddie-heart" that he is. This move, is more of an escape rather than a social development for him.

    Escaping the world into his own reality to face it with sanity.




    Sunday, November 13, 2011

    Mga Lalake sa Buhay Ko (part III): Ang Litratista

    Nagkakilala tayo nung umaga ng Mayo 2, 2009. Wala akong pasok ‘nun at maaga akong nagising. Naisipan kong mag-online at pumunta sa MIRC para lang tingnan kung may makakausap akong tao o kung may makikilala man akong bago. Nag-post ako ng kung sinu ang nagpopotograpiya, at ikaw ang nagpadala sa akin ng pribadong mensahe. Tuwang-tuwa ako sa iyo ‘nun dahil ang dami nating napagusapan tungkol sa bagay na iyon, bukod pa doon, mahilig ka rin sa JPOP, anime, mga laruan, at napakarami nating mga bagay na gusto at alam. Sa ibang salita, marami tayong common interests. Binigay mo ang litrato mo, at binigay ko rin ang akin. Ilang sandali lamang ay nagbigayan tayo ng mga phone numbers. Tumawag ka at tayo ay nagusap ng mga ilang minuto at napagusapan nating magkita sa gabi ng araw na iyon.

    Trinoma, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, 9:30 PM, May 2, 2009. Nakajacket ka ng gabing iyon, medyo mahaba ang buhok mo at shaggy ang gupit. Isa kang chinito, mukha kang Koreano; maganda ang pangangatawan, bakat na bakat pa ang dibdib mo sa masikip mong t-shirt. May pagkasuplado ka pa nga e, kasi madalang kang ngumiti.  Naisip ko pa na hindi mo ako gusto, kasi ang suplado mo sa personal. Napagkasunduan nating manood ng sine pagkatapos nating mag-usap at magyosi ng ilang sandali. Wolverine ang pelikulang pinanood natin; doon tayo sa last full show nanood. Sa kalagitnaan ng pelikula, nung tinutusok na si Logan ng mga mahahabang bakal sa ulo ay medyo napapikit ako, at hinawakan mo bigla ang kanang kamay ko, hindi mo na iyon inalis hanggang matapos ang pelikula. Ilang oras pa sa gabing iyon, binuksan ko ang pinto ng aking unit at ikaw ay namangha sa kasimplehan nito, marahil gawa na rin ng dilaw na ilaw at ng pulang mga kurtina. Tiningnan mo ang mga libro ko, DVDs, audio CDs, at iba pang mga bagay sa condo ko. Kung anu-anu rin ang mga sinasabi mo na mga kulang na gamit sa para sa banda dun, sa sulok na iyon at kung anu-anu pa. Sabi ko manood tayo ng Slumdog Millionaire, na sumang-ayon ka naman. Nakahiga tayo sa bamboo carpet habang nanonood ng pelikulang iyon... Ako ay iyong biglang niyakap, naglapat ang ating mga labi, at pikit mata kong tinanggap ang mga halik mong kasing-init ng gabing iyon. 

    Masaya akong akong gumising sa tabi mo, walang tayong saplot kung hindi ang manipis na kumot. Nauna akong gumising sa iyo at pinagmasdan kita habang ikaw ay natutulog pa. Hinimas ko ang iyong makikisig na braso at malaman na dibdib. Inamoy ang halimuyak ng kahapon at ang bango ng umagang iyon. Tinitingnan lamang kita nang minulat mo ang iyong mga mata at itinaas mo ang iyong kanang kamay, hinawi mo ang buhok ko at hinawakan ang aking ulo patungo sa mukha mo. Tayo ay naghalikan na tila dalawang magkasintahang uhaw sa pag-iibig na kay tagal na hindi natikman.

    Pagkaraan ng isang linggo ay ako naman ang pumunta sa bahay mo. Nakatira ka malapit sa kanto ng Vito Cruz at Taft, sa condo mo ay rinig ang pagdaan ng LRT, at kitang-kita ang mataong highway ng Taft. Namangha ako sa dami ng mga laruang naka display sa isang sulok at mga manga na naka-ayos sa isang cabinet. Sa iyong sala ay ang iyong workstation na may isang Mac computer at kung anu-anu pa. Gustong-gusto ko ang malaking mong sofa na kulay pula. Hindi nagtagal ay naging regular na gawain ko na ang pumunta sa condo mo. Sa tuwing pupunta ako ay nagmamadali akong lumalabas ng opisina sa umaga at bumibili ng pasalubong na almusal natin, dahil alam kong hindi ka pa kumakain sa tuwing ako ay darating. Minsan ay naabutan kitang tulog sa iyong sofa at nakabukas ang TV mo na nakatutok sa Cartoon Network o kaya Nickolodeon. May mga araw naman na ipinagluluto kita o minsan ay nagpapadeliver na lamang tayo ng pagkain.

    Punong puno ng alaala ang condo mong iyon, na kung saan ilang halik ang aking natikman, at ilang gabi at umagang nagkalampagan tayo sa sofa-bed mong kulay pula, kulay ng mapusok nating mga umaga, hapon, at gabi. Kailangan ko pang magbaon ng Alaxan ‘nun kasi hindi ako makatulog sa sakit ng aking katawan pagkatapos ng mahabang paglalaro natin. Naalala ko pa nga, habang ikaw ay mahimbing na natutulog ako naman ay pilit na nanahimik sa sakit.


    Niyaya mo akong pumunta ng Puerto Galera dahil gusto mong magbakasyon kahit isang araw lang. Nag file ako ng bakasyon sa trabaho para sumama sa iyo. Unang beses kong makakapunta dun, kaya excited ako, sobra. Nangupahan tayo ng isang de-aircon na kuwarto na mukhang bahay kubo kasi alam mong gusto ko ng mga native na bahay. Hindi naman tayo naglagi sa beach, dahil nagikot-ikot tayo sa malalapit na bundok, ilog, at mga waterfalls ng Mindoro. Pagbalik natin sa kuwarto ay gabi na at pareho tayong pagod, kumain lang tayo at buong gabi tayong nanatili lamang sa ating kuwarto. Nung gabing iyon, pakiramdam ko ay atin lamang ang gabing iyon. Malayo sa ciudad, malayo sa Maynila, malayo sa kanilang lahat, at akin ka lamang, at ako'y iyong-iyo ng buong-buo.

    Sa tuwing magkasama tayo ay okay naman ang lahat, kahit na dumadaan ang isang linggo na parati tayong nag-aaway sa text o sa telepono. Tila walang nangyaring isyu ng mga nagdaang araw, basta kapag tayo ay magkapiling na, lahat ay tahimik, lahat ay naayus din. Tuloy pa din ang buhay nating dalawa, tuloy pa rin sa mga bagay bagay sa ating buhay.

    Sumapit ang tag-ulan.  

    Madali kang magkasakit, lalo na kapag nababasa ka ng ulan. Madalas ay hati pa tayo sa iisang payong kapag kailangan nating lumabas o kung pupunta ng Harrison Plaza para mag-grocery. Naalala mo pa ba ang isang tipo ng chicharon na paborito natin na parang parte ng tiyan ng manok pero hindi naman siya bituka? Na-adik tayo doon, hindi tayo umaalis ng Harrison kapag hindi nakakabili 'nun; nakalimutan ko nga kung anu ang tawag dun e. Madalas ay naabutan tayo ng ulan sa labas, at kung maabutan man tayo, ibibigay ko na sa iyo ang nag-iisang payong natin, dahil ayokong nababasa ka dahil panigurado ay magkasakit ka. Ayaw na ayaw mo pa namang nagkakasakit ka, kahit naman ako, at kahit sinu pa... Hindi ka kasi nakakapag gym, at nakakansel ang mga lakad mo. Hindi na bale na ako ang mabasa, huwag ka lang madampian ng malamig na tubig ulan. Kung nagkakasya naman tayo sa payong, ay gustong gusto kong dahan-dahang naglalakad kasama ka, dahil sa isang tulad mo, sobrang bihirang makatabi kita sa ilalim ng payong habang umuulan at naglalakad sa labas. Gustong gusto kong nararamdaman ang pagdampi ng braso mo sa balikat ko, na tila isang tuwalyang mainit na nagaalis ng lamig ng ulan. Palagi kitang sinasabihan ng magdala palagi ng jacket at payong sa tuwing uuwi ka sa inyo o kung may lakad ka man. Nung mga panahong iyon, init ng katawan mo ang aking karamay sa mga gabing malamig.  Para kang isang kumot at unan na aking kayakap sa tuwing ako ay giniginaw. 

    Isang araw ay naghahanda ka para pumunta ng ibang bansa para magbakasyon, tinulungan pa kitang mag impake ‘nun. Nung isang araw na lang bago ang iyong flight, niyaya mo akong mag-almusal sa Mcdonald’s-Quirino. Sabi mo noon, gusto mo akong makita bago ka umalis, nagbilin ka pa sa akin na aalagan ko sarili ko at huwag labas ng labas, kung lalabas man ako ay dapat kasama ko si PJ at ang iba pa naming kaibigan. Tinanung kita kung babalik pa ba ang taong kausap ko ngayon o ibang tao na ba ang aasahan ko, sabi mo ay babalik ka ng buong-buo. Humiling lamang ako ng isang bagay pagbalik mo… Na sana masagot na ang mga tanung na matagal nang naghihintay ng sagot. Tatlong buwan na tayong nagkikita ‘nun, pero hindi mo masabi kung nasaan na ba ako sa buhay mo. Hindi ako makagalaw, hindi ko alam kung anu ba ako sa iyo? Nangako kang bibigyang kasagutan ang lahat ng iyon sa iyong pagbabalik. Nagkasundo tayong magkita sa isang takdang araw sa isang takdang lugar, at kapag hindi sumipot ang isa sa ating dalawa ay tapos na ang lahat sa atin. Mahirap din kasing maghintay at gumalaw sa isang mundong hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Nung mga panahong iyon, hindi ko na halos matiis ang sakit ng pag-iisip at paghihintay ng sagot.

    Namatay ang lola mo habang ikaw ay nasa Vietnam, nagmamadali kang umuwi ng Pilipinas.

    Dumating ang araw na tayo ay dapat na magkikita, hindi ka dumating, at doon ay tinapos ko na ang lahat sa atin. Kalagitnaan ng tag-ulan noon, kung gaano kalakas ang buhos ng malamig na ulan, ay siya ring buhos ng mainit kong mga luha.

    Lumipas ang ilang buwan hanggang sa lumipas din ang tag-ulan, dumating ang tag-lamig, wala akong narinig sa iyo at wala ka ring narinig sa akin. Ako na ang unang nagparamdam, dahil hindi kita matiis, kailangan ko ng paglilinaw, at kailangan kitang makita, dahil ako ay sadyang nangungulila sa iyo. Tiniis kita ng sobrang tagal, nanaig ang pangungulila, at tayo ay nagkita muli. Pumunta ako sa condo mo, at sa pagbukas mo pa lang ng pinto ay bigla kitang sinunggab ng isang mainit na yakap na kay higpit. Nangyari ang tulad ng dati, at ako ay gumising sa tabi mo na walang suot kung hindi ang malambot mong kumot at ang makisig mong braso na siyang aking unan. Idinikit ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib mo... Damang-dama ko ang iyong bawat paghinga, ramdam ko ang bawat tibok ng puso mo na siya namang aking gustong buksan para sagutin ang aking mga katanungan. Ako ba ay nasa loob niyan? Ito ba ay panandalian lamang, tulad nitong pagsisiping nating ito? Nung araw na rin iyon, tinanung kita kung minahal mo ba ako? Hindi ka sumagot. Hindi na tayo nagkita ng mahabang panahon pagkatapos ‘nun.

    Lumipas ang halos isang taon… Sinamahan mo ako sa sa San Lazaro para kunin ang dokyumento ng aking resulta ng aking confirmatory test sa HIV. Niyakap mo ako ng mahigpit nung alam mong ako ay iiyak na, matapos kong malaman ang resulta. Alam mo na nung sandaling iyon na nagbago na ang buhay ko. Umupo tayo sa isang tabi at pinasandal mo ako sa balikat mo, umiyak na ako nung dumampi na ang ulo ko sa balikat mo, at niyakap mo ako ng mahigpit. Tila tumahimik ang paligid, hindi ko halos marinig ang ingay ng mga dumadaang sasakyan at ang mga paguusap ng mga taong dumadaan kahit ang pagsigaw ng mga tindera sa kalye, tumahimik ang mundo; wala akong naririnig kung hindi ang sarili kong pag-iyak, wala rin akong halos maramdaman kung hindi ang haplos ng mga kamay mo. Nanghina ako nung mga sandaling iyon, ikaw lamang ang taong kailangan ko, ikaw lamang ang taong gusto kong makasama nung mga panahong iyon; sa gitna ng aking kalungkutan.

    Ilang araw ang nagdaan at nagpatest ka rin para malaman kung nahawaan kita, mabuti na lang at negatibo ang resulta.

    Nung mga panahong iyon ay madalas tayong magkita dahil sinasamahan mo ako sa ospital. Nagtakda pa tayo ng isang araw at ng lugar na tayo ay magkikita para lang makapiling kita tulad ng dati. Makita lamang kita, ayus na sana, kailangan ko lang ng kasama, kailangan kita, ikaw lang at wala nang iba. Gusto kitang makita, gusto kitang makapiling, gusto kitang yakapin. Kahit makasama ka lang ay sapat na sana, ngunit hindi na naman natuloy. Sa kung anung dahilan, hindi tayo nagkita. Sumakay ako ng tren, sa gitna ng biyahe ng MRT papuntang Norte, na hindi ko alam kung saan ako bababa, ay iniyak ko lahat. Iniyak ko ang pangungulila ko sa iyo, iniyak ko lahat ng alaala mo, iniyak ko lahat ng bagay na tungkol sa iyo, na sana hindi na kita nakilala. Sana hindi na ako nangarap kasama ka, at sana hindi na lang ako nagplano ng mga bagay-bagay na kasama ka. Sana hindi na lang ako nagchat nung umagang iyon, at sana hindi kita nakausap. Sana hindi na lang tayo nagkita nung gabing iyon, para sana hindi na lang kita inibig. Sana ay hindi na lang ako umasa. Sana isang araw ay mapatawad mo ako, at sana mapatawad ko rin ang sarili ko. Hindi na natin maibabalik ang kahapon, ikaw ay isang alaala na lamang ng isang kabanatang kay sarap at kay lungkot. Anu man ang naging resulta ng ating pagkakakilala, masakit at mahirap man, sana may magandang kinalabasan.

    Hindi na tayo muling nagkita o nagkausap pa, hanggang sa araw na ito.

    Nagkakilala tayo nung umaga ng Mayo 2, 2009; isang umagang nagbago sa buhay ko. Sa taong nagpatibok ng puso ko at nagpabago ng takbo ng aking isip, maligayang kaarawan sa iyo.

    Tuloy ang buhay.
















    Saturday, November 5, 2011

    Mga Lalake sa Buhay Ko (part II): Kiddielet


    Wala akong maisip sabihin o maisulat
    Mga mata  ay pula na at kita ang ugat
    Kanina ko pa tinitingnan ang mga larawan,
    nating dalawa galing sa baul ng nakaraan.

    Naiinis ako, ang dami kong gustong sabihin,
    sa’yo at sa buong mundong nakakabasa nito.
    Pero halos wala akong maisulat, hay nako!

    Inaantok na ako, at kahit lumang litrato,
    ‘di ako makapili o makapag-edit man lang.
    ‘la tuloy akong mairegalo o alay man lang.

    Tatapusin ko na itong sinusulat kong ito.
    Antok na antok na kasi ako, dudugtungan ko:

    Para kang asukal
    Sintamis mong magmahal
    Para kang Pintura
    Buhay ko ikaw ang nagpinta
    Para kang unan
    Pinapainit mo ang aking tiyan
    Para kang kumot
    Na yumayakap sa tuwing ako'y nalulungkot

    Kaya't wag magtataka
    Kung bakit ayaw kitang mawala

    Kung hindi man tayo hanggang dulo
    Wag mong kalimutan
    nandito lang ako
    laging umaalalay
    hindi ako lalayo
    Dahil ang taning panalangin ko ay ikaw

    Hindi nga tayo naging tayo, ngunit ganun pa man
    ‘Di pa rin kita maiwan-iwan, siguro dahil…

    Mahal kita.






    Thursday, November 3, 2011

    Mga Lalake sa Buhay Ko: PJ


    Nakilala ko siya nung ako ay 17 na taong gulang pa lamang (28 na ako ngayon) at siya naman ay 16. Uso pa ang chat sa MIRC ‘nun. Adik ako sa kakachat doon. May kamahalan pa ang internet noon kaya sinusulit ko ang bawat oras at minuto na naka-online ako at nagchachat. Naalala ko pa noon, ang MIRC ay kung saan nagchachat talaga ang mga tao, nag-uusap talaga sa “main room” at may “interactions” na nangyayari,  ‘di tulad sa panahon ngayon na kung saan ang mga chatters sa MIRC ay walang ginawa kung hindi mag-post ng mag-post ng mga gusto at kasalukuyang kailangan nila na tila ba isa malaking real-time na Buy and Sell na lugar ang chat, parang sosyal na palengke ng mga naghuhumindig na mga kalamnan at kung anu-anu pa.

    Ang tagal na rin pala naming magkakilala ni PJ. Nabigyan kami ng pagkakataong magkita ng personal nung ang #Salsalan ay bago-bago pa lamang. #Bi-Manila ang sikat na sikat na chatroom noon sa mga lalaking naghahanap ng kapwa lalake. Nakilala ko ang isa sa mga Operator ng #Salsalan at niyaya akong sumama sa kanilang EB sa may UST, na naging sa loob pala ng UST.  Sumama ako, medyo malayo-layo ang biniyahe ko ‘nun, kasi taga Rizal pa ako nung mga panahong ‘yun. Marami akong nakilala, ngunit si PJ ang naiiba. Naka-blusang itim kasi at may cutix na itim ang mga kuko sa daliri, fit na pantalon na halatang pambabae at sapatos na parang pambabae. Sa isang grupong punong-puno ng mga baklang discreet daw, si PJ ang baklang-bakla.

    Parang alang kumakausap sa kanya nung gabing ‘yun, bukod sa pagirl kasi siya, mukhang mataray din kasi. Nilapitan ko siya at kami’y nagkakilala. Mula ng gabing iyon, kami na palagi ang naguusap at magkasama, kasali na rin ang Operator ng #Salsalan na dahil sa ka-close namin ay binigyan kami ng Operator Acess sa channel na ‘yun na mahirap makuha, na hindi naman namin ginamit, aanhin ba kasi namin ‘yun?

    Madalas kaming lumabas noon, si kuya Operator ang aming taga-gastos, pulubi pa kasi ako ‘nun, si PJ naman ay sapat lang sa pambaon niya sa kolehiyo ang pera. Kung saan-saan din kami napadpad, tatlong baklang magkakaibigan na iba-iba ang lebel ng pagka-bakla; mula sa lalaking-lalake na hindi daw siya chumuchupa at exclusive top daw siya, isang medyo halatang bakla na payatot, at isang pa-girl. Masaya kaming tatlo ng mga panahong iyon, mga bata pa kasi at mga wala pa masyadong iniisip sa buhay. Nag-ma-Malate na kami ‘nun sa murang edad, napadpad pa nga kami sa may Quiapo dahil may isang lugar doon na tambayan ng mga bakla, mala-beerhouse ang dating, Cocoon yata ang pangalan na naging Butterfly pagkalipas ng ilang buwan. Sinali pa nila ako sa isang contest sa Jeff’s CafĂ© sa may Philippine Women's University nanalo naman ako ng 3rd place sa limang contestants. Wala naman akong ginawa kung hindi maghubad at magpacute. Hindi pa uso ang cellphone ‘nun kaya sa landline kami nagtetelebabad. 3-way pa nga eh, may techniques din kaming alam para malaman kung call-waiting kami o hindi. Inaabot kaming tatlo ng umaga sa kakatelebabad at sa kakapakilala sa kung sinu-sinung lalakeng chatter sa telepono. Nagtatago pa ako sa ilalim ng hagdanan para hindi ako marinig sa taas at mapagalitan ng aking mommy ko. Naging saksi din ako sa mga naging lalake ni PJ, at nasaksihan din niya kung sinu-sino ang mga nakahumalingan kong lalake. May mga pagkakaton pa nga na naka-date pala niya ang ilan sa mga ni-date ko o mga nanligaw sa akin. Hanggang sa nakilala ko si Angel.

    Ayaw ni PJ kay Angel (hanggang ngayon), dahil sa tingin niya ay hindi naging makatarungan si Angel sa pagpipigil ng mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. Sa opinyon niya ay nawalan daw ako ng kabataan. Lumipas ang ilang taon, magkaibigan pa rin kami ni PJ. Hanggang sa naghiwalay kami ni Angel pagkaraan ng anim na taon. Hanggang sa may ilang lalake pa akong nakilala na nagpatibok ng puso ko, kinalokohan ko, iniyakan ko, kinabaliwan ko, at kung ano-anu pa. Naging saksi si PJ sa mga mahahalagang pangyayari sa buhay ko.

    Naalala ko pa ang gabi na sinabi ko sa kanyang may HIV na ako. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan kong paano siya umiyak at sinabing “akala ko ako ang mauuna sa ating tatlo, ikaw pa rin pala, because you are the best slut in town”.  Mas umiyak pa siya kaysa sa akin nung nalaman ang kundisyun ko. Natulog ako sa bahay niya nung gabing iyon. Gumising ako na gising pa siya at nagreresearch tungkol sa kundisyon ko, ang mga batas, ang mga dapat gawin, at kung paano niya ako matutulungan. Makaraan ng ilang linggo, may mga ilang bote na ako ng mga supplements na binili niya pa sa Amerika para sa akin. Para bumagal daw ang pagbaba ng immune system ko. Ngunit ayun sa mga tests ng CD4 ko, mabilis pa rin ang pagbagsak ng katawan ko.

    Malapit na ang kaarawan ni PJ. Sa parehong buwan kami pinanganak, at simula nang maging magka-opisina kami  ay sabay na kaming naghahanda sa opisina para sa kaarawan naming dalawa.

    Mahigit isang dekada na rin tayong magkaibigan, PJ. Maraming salamat sa lahat ng pag-gabay mo sa akin at sa mga naitulong mo. Ngayong gabi habang sinusulat ko itong sulat na ito sa loob ng iyong bahay, sa iyong sofa,  ay inaalala ko ang mga malulungkot at masasaya nating mga araw, mula nung tayo ay mga neneng-baklita pa hanggang sa ngayong medyo thunders na.  Naalala mo ba noong sinusundo pa kita sa kolehiyo mo at nakikiseat-in ka pa sa klase ko at ikaw ang sumasagot para sa akin at ginagawan mo pa ako ng mga bagong projects sa Database Management kong subject? Kaya ako napeperfect sa subject na iyon? Salamat ng marami! Salamat sa pagkakaibigang singtibay ng baklang inapi ng panahon. Hindi man tayo inaping mga becks, mas matibay pa tayo sa api, mas matibay at malakas pa ang pagkakaibigan natin kaysa sa mga hagupit ng mga bagyo. Pasenysa ka na pala sa mga panahong nabalewala kita dahil sa mga kinalokohan kong lalake noon. Napatunayan ko na naman sa sarili ko ngayon, na ang mga lalake, dumarating at umaalis, nawawala, pero ang tunay na kaibigan, andyan pa rin, anu man ang mangyari, at hamak na mas importante.

    Salamat sa maraming taong pinagdaanan natin at sa marami pang darating pa. Andito lang ako, ang kaibigan mo. Alay ko sa iyo itong sulat na ito, isang pasasalamat sa pagkakabigang totoo. Pangako ko sa iyo, ako ay narito lamang kapag kailangan mo. Sandalan mo ako kapag gusto mo, at hawak kamay nating lalakbayin ang mundong ito, hanggang sa iyong huling hininga, andun ako, sa tabi mo. 




    Si PJ ay isang paminta na ngayon, guwapo, matangkad, maputi, medyo mabuhok, chinito, may sariling gym sa bahay, at hindi na nagsusuot ng blusang itim. 




    Sunday, October 30, 2011

    Sagot

    Tinanung mo ako kung galit ako sa dati mo syota. Sumagot lamang ako ng "hindi", ngunit sa kaloob-looban ko ay gusto kong sabihing… "Hindi ako galit sa kanya, ayoko lang makipagkaibigan sa taong sinaktan ang taong pinangangalagaan ko ng husto". 

    Saturday, October 29, 2011

    Pagbubuka at pagbubukas


    Hindi ako magpapa-pako sa tawag at pansin
    Ng kung anu man ang tingin sa akin
    Ng publikong punong puno ng pagtingin
    Sa kung anu ang naayon sa atin.

    Gaano man kahirap angkinin 
    Ang dati kong pagtingin 
    Sa sariling nilamon ng pangungutya
    Mata ko'y ibubuka, at ibabalik ang tiwala…

    Sa sarili ko, na ang tanging gusto,
    ay ang makalaya ng husto.

    Friday, October 28, 2011

    Mac Vs. PC (videos)

    Here are some videos to shed some humor on the never ending battle between the two Operating Systems.

    Let's see... Click and watch.

    The South Park version:


    The Transformers version: Mac vs. PC


    Mac vs. PC part 2



    Oh by the way... I'm a loyalist 

    Friday, October 21, 2011

    Tatlong Kanta Para kay Dan

    Kahapon, habang ako'y naglalakad pauwi
    Upang pagod ko ay mapawi
    Sinara ko ang aking mga mata
    Sa gilid ng daan, na walang umaarangkada

    Sinubukan kong alalahanin 
    Ang iyong mukha, na puno ng damdamin
    Dalawa sa aking mga nakita,
    Ay pangungulila at pag-asa, sa iyong mga mata.

    ...pag-asang umaasa.
    Sa damdaming nagpapakasasa,
    at damdaming walang humpay,
    na sumisigaw ng, paghihintay. 

    Sana ay buksan mo ang iyong mga mata,
    at makita ang kaligayahan mula sa iba. 
    Sana ay makinig ka rin hindi lang sa sinasabi nila,
    kung hindi pati sa tibok ng puso ng iba.

    Sana isang araw ay tingnan mo aking mga mata,
    at sabihin sa akin, kung anu ang iyong nakikita.

    Heto ang tatlong kantang pinili ko para sa iyo. 
    Tatlong kantang, sanay ay magustuhan mo.





    Wednesday, October 19, 2011

    Gabi, Hanggang Kinabukasan: Nasa labas 24 Oras

    Unang Banda
    Unang Banda

     Babaeng Morena
    Babaeng Morena

     Bokalista
    Bokalista

     Ang Taong Berde
    Ang Taong Berde

     Kantahan
    Kantahan

     Tisoy na Chubby
    Tisoy na Chubby

     Banda ni Tisoy na Chubby
    Banda ni Tisoy na Chubby

    Mestizo
    Mestizo

     Mikropono
    Mikropono

     Lalake sa Pula
    Lalake sa Pula

     Ang Hot Ni Kuya
    Ang Hot ni Kuya

      Ang Hot Ni Kuya 2
    Ang Hot ni Kuya 2

     Gitarista
    Gitarista

     Gitarista din
    Gitarista Din

     Mamahalin
    Mamahalin

     T-shirt
    T-Shirt

     Armi
    Armi

     Tugtugin
    Tugtugin

     Paborito kong TShirt
    Paborito kong T-Shirt

     Sabog pa
    Sabog Pa

     Naiinitan na
    Naiinitan Na

    Kain muna bago magsiuwian
    Kain muna bago magsiuwian

    Saturday, October 15, 2011

    Ang Lalake Sa Sakayan Sa Ilalim ng Buwan

    Kanina lang ito. mga isang oras at kalahati pa lang ang nakakaraan, 4 AM na.

    Nung ako ay pauwi na galing sa lakad namin ni J, ay sumakay ako ng bus pauwi galing Cubao. Bumaba ako ng Caltex (isang lugar sa Fairview) para magwithdraw dahil halos wala na akong pera. Ang daming mga taxi, pero nasaan ang mga drivers? Wala, naglaho! Ayun nga, bumaba ako ng bus, tumawid papunta sa Fairview Center Mall, at nagwithdraw. Tumawid ako ulit papunta sa sakayan. Gusto kong magtaxi kasi inaantok na ako, pero wala pa rin ang mga drivers, anu ba yan, bakit? Nasaan ang mga taxi drivers? So nagabang ako ng taxi, ilang jeep din papuntang Zabarte ang dumaan, pero hindi ako sumakay, ilang ordinaryong bus din ang dumaan at pati na rin mga aircon buses, pero hindi pa rin ako sumakay, kasi nga, gusto kong magtaxi. May dumaang bus, at may napansin akong lalakeng nakatingin sa akin, tumgin din ako at sinundan ko siya ng tingin, sumunod din siya ng tingin at nagkasalubong ang aming mga mata. Mga ilang metro pa lang ang layo ng bus mula sa kinatatayuan ko ay tumigil ito. May bumabang lalaking matangkad. Naka stripes, fit na slacks, backpack, medyo chubby, pero hindi naman malaki ang tiyan. Papalapit siya sa kinaroroonan ko. Hindi ko makita ang mukha kasi medyo madilim. Nung medyo malapit na siya, siya yung lalakeng nakatitigan ko sa bus! palapit siya ng palapit hanggang sa mga 3 metro na lang ang layo namin sa isa't isa. Tinitingnan ko siya, tumingin din siya. Lumapit ako sa kanya ng konti, lumapit din siya sa akin ng konti. naisip ko, magpapakilala ba ako?

    Anu ba kaya ang pakay nitong lalakeng ito? Booking ba ito? So pinagana ko ang "I judge the person by his cover" technique ko. Maayos ang buhok, medyo may stubble na ang kanyang mukha, hmm... Sexy! Medyo matangos ang ilong, may pagka square ang jaw ni kuya, maganda ang hugis ng mukha. Maayos ang shirt, naka poloshirt siya, ang ganda ng pants, medyo na turn off lang ako sa shoes kasi baklang bakla. Pumunta ako sa likod niya, naka backpack, maganda ang bag, mukhang mamahalin. So okay si kuya, may magandang taste. May dumaang jeep papuntang Zabarte, at lahat ng mga taong nag-aabang ng sasakyan ay sumakay maliban sa aming dalawa. Pumunta siya sa bandang likod ko, tiningnan ko siya, tumingin din siya. Naisip ko, "Kuya, nakikita mo ba kung gaano ako kabilog? Nakikita mo ba na ang laki-laki ng tyan ko?" So nagslouch ako, para lumaki ang tyan ko, nagsmile si kuya, o mukhang natawa yata dahil sa hitsura ko.

    May paparating na bus, sabi ko sa sarili ko "hay nako, baka malibog lang ito". Sumakay ako ng Jayross na bus, aircon, puno lahat halos ng upuan, at natanaw ko sa bandang likod na maraming bakante, dun ako dumerecho. Napansin ko na ang layo niya sa akin! Andun siya sa bandang gitna ng bus umupo! Pero ang tugtog... Mmm... Chorus ng Let The Love Begin! Senyales ba ito ng kung ano? Kinausap ko ang sarili ko at sinabi ko na "Anu ba ang gustong ipahiwatig ng universe sa akin? Ng mga planeta't bituin? Ng araw at ng buwan? Ay gabi pala, walang araw... Anu ba?!" Lumipat ako ng upuan, sa harap ng kinuupuan niya. So may reflection siya sa bandang kaliwa ko. Tiningnan ko siya, tumingin siya, nagsmile ako, deadma siya. Suplado! "Naku, malapit na ang SM Fairview! Bababa na ako, shet, hindi ko pa siya nakikilala, anu ba ito? Booking ba ito o wholesome na kung ano?". Lumipat ako ng upuan, dun sa kaliwang upuan, yung pang tatluhan. Tiningnan ko siya at ngumiti, medyo ngumiti naman yata siya. "Shet, SM Fairview na!". Tumayo ako at bumaba na, lumingon ako sa bus, hinahanap ko siya. "Ay, naka-baba na pala ang boylet!"... "Anu ba... Magpapakilala ba ako o ano? Obvious na eh!". Tumingin na naman siya, tumingin ako. Naglakad siya sa dereksiyon ko at ayun, lumakad ng malayoat tumigil na tila nagaabang ng kung ano. Nakatingin sa akin.

    Habang ako ay nakatayo sa gilid ng Regalado Highway sa harap ng SM Fairivew, sa medyo may kadiliman na lugar. Tumingin ako sa buwan na may "halo" at pagkaliwanag at pagkalaki-laki... Nagtanung ako sa buwan... "Anu ba ito? Anu baaaaaah"? Naisip ko, kung magjujugjugan kami eh bago namin gawin yun eh syempre sasabihin kong may HIV ako; Boner Killer 'yun! Baka bigla pa niya akong takbuhan kapag nalaman niya. Isa pang sumagi sa isip ko, paano kung mukha lang siya nag nagoopisina pero sa totoo ay magnanakaw pala na nambibiktima ng mga baklang malilibog at mapagtiwala? Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi sa akin ni Photographer (ni-date ko noon, hindi kami naging kami) noon na sobrang dali kong magtiwala, mag-ingat daw ako at baka ikapahamak ko 'yun, natatakot daw siya sa ugali kong iyon. Sa ayun nga...

    Lumakad ako papalapit kay boylet, ngunit nilagpasan ko siya at tumigil at tumayo ako. Lumakad papalapit ang boylet, tiningnan ko sa mata, nilagpasan ko. Tumayo din siya na tila nagaabang ng sasakyan. Naglakad ako sa direksyon siya at nilagpasan ko din siya. Tumigil at nakatayo lang din ako, ilang metro ang layo mula sa kanya. Paulit ulit namin itong ginawa hanggang sa nakarating kami sa dulo ng Regalado. Sabi ko sa isip ko... "Anu ba kuya?! Pagod na ako ha? Inaantok na rin ako! Magpapakilala ka ba o hindi?".  Lumapit ako sa kanya, ang tangkad pala niya. Hanggang ilong lang niya ang mga mata ko.

    Nagsalita na rin siya sa wakas, tanung niya sa akin "Zabarte ka ba?", sabi ko "oo, ikaw?", "Lagro". "May kasama ka ba sa inyo?" tanung niya sa akin, sabi ko (at nagsinungaling ako) "oo". Sabi niya "Ah ganun ba?". Niyaya ko siyang kumain sa Burger Machine, pero sabi niya busog pa raw siya. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang aking Name#1 (may tatlo akong totoong pangalan). Nagpakilala siya at nagtanung kung saan ako galing, sabi ko "galing ako ng Makati, opisina, ikaw?". Galing din daw siya ng opis. Kinuha niya number ko at binigay ko naman, at aba naka Blackberrry. Kinuha ni-type niya ang number ko sa telepono niya, pero hindi ko nakita kung ni-save ba niya o hindi. Nagpaalam na siya at sumakay ng jeep pauwi sa kanila at ako ay sumakay ng jeep pauwi sa tirahan ko.


    Thursday, October 6, 2011

    Going Japanese 2011

    going japanese
    As most of you know, I am very much inclined to Japanese culture and anything Japanese. So last night, I made maki in preparation for my manga reading which I bought a day before. It was my first time to buy such comic books, so I was excited. Anyway, the maki turned out to be okay and I was able to consume 3 cups of rice and produce 21 maki rolls. I was able to eat 11, and it was filling. I didn't have any wasabi 'though, later I'll buy a pack and a bottle of sesame oil for my teriyaki dishes. I wonder what ingredients can still I buy for maki dishes or sushi dishes in general? Oh, let me not forget the miso and tofu.

    Wednesday, October 5, 2011

    Ugly

    I miss you.

    To stare at your eyes.
    Those deep dark brown eyes, those hollow cheeks,
    your protruding collarbones.
    A sight of frailty, a sight of what you used to be. 

    I miss looking at your nakedness.
    As my fingers cross your ribs.
    Along of what used to be fair skin,
    that is now menaced with fragmented scars.

    It has been a long time,
    since I touched your cherry red lips.

    Look at the mirror, what do you see?
    Nothing,
    but the unrecognizable,
    us.

    Walking on the streets,
    nobody looks at us.
    While staring at myself,
    all I see is the nothingness of us.

    Vanished almost without a trace,
    just a mere someone, unnoticed someone.

    Now standing alone.

    Staring down at the ground,
    now you know how it feels to be...

     Ugly.

    Tuesday, October 4, 2011

    Sunday, October 2, 2011

    The 75 minute challenge: Cooking

    Living alone has it perks and challenges. One everyday challenge is preparing breakfast and packed lunch for myself, check work emails, shower and prepare for work, and make sure the kitchen is clutter free before going. So I have a 75 minute challenge from the moment I wake up and an hour and 15 minutes from that, because any longer than that, I will be late for work, for sure.

    Here are some tips on how to prepare your meal if you are always in a hurry.

    1.) Prepare the night before - Check your stuff if you have anything else to prepare for the next day. If you are cooking, I suggest you prepare the ingredients the night before (or days before) so all you have to do is to just put everything in the pan. As for myself, I bought ready made sauces and prepared spices for my cooking, because I want everything fast and fresh. No, I did not buy the powdered mix varieties that are so popular nowadays. Some examples of the prepared sauces and spices I bought are: 

    • chopped garlic (bottled)
    • black beans and garlic (bottled)
    • chili and garlic (bottled)
    • chili oil (bottled)
    • soy sauce
    • oyster sauce
    • canola oil
    • cornstarch
    • flour
    • glutamate 
    • salt
    • oregano
    • dried basil
    • thyme
    • and a lot more others.
    If you have that much of an arsenal of ingredients, all you need is a little creativity and understanding on how those ingredients must be used and which ones compliment each other depending on what the main ingredient is and what dish are you going to make. 

    2.) Learn to multitask - As you cook the rice, you might as well start steaming some veggies (if your recipe has vegetable ingredients). So I suggest you buy a rice cooker with a steamer. While you are cooking, you can also take a shower. The only downside of taking a shower before cooking the viand is that you might be smelling like your lunch. After the shower, the rice and veggies are probably cooked. You can now start cooking your viand. Then you can eat and check your work emails, twitter, facebook, etc. 

    3.) Plan your menu well and ahead of time - Of course, everything that you will cook must the quick preparing types, those that can be cooked within 15 minutes or less or at the shortest time possible. You will not be able to cook sinigang, adobo, or bulalo during work weeks because those dishes take so much time to prepare.

    4.) Prepare the ingredients ahead of time and store them well - What I do is, during my rest days, I grocery shop and prepare the ingredients right away when I get home. Preparing means; cleaning, slicing, and storing them to individual containers and store them in a refrigerator at its maximum temperature. Make sure that the ingredients will be consumed within 7 days to avoid spoilage, this applies to vegetables and fruits, as well as defrosted meats you will be needing for the week that you can store in the chiller. For other meats, you can store them in the freezer. 

    So there, those are my tips, I hope you find use for them.


    Saturday, October 1, 2011

    Reset



    Some things are better left the way they were, 
    before we came along.
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    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    The Hidden Epidemic

    A lot of people put so much of their lives or the entirety of their lives to the heavens. The heavens will not live your life for you, you do. You have the power to weave your thread in the web of the universe.

    I do believe that amongst the walking men in the this city of broken hearts and throbbing cocks lies the darkness of an epidemic eating away life. Gnawing silently inside our lustful bodies, moving from one host to another victim, expanding its wrath. We have the power to stop the epidemic, we have the power to survive. Know and have the power to act and stop the virus, before it swallows another life, perhaps you can stop it before it consumes you.

    Sunday, September 25, 2011

    Pulses: A play inspired by people living with HIV

    Ticket


    Yesterday, I went (alone) to UP Diliman to watch a play that was told to me by a friend. That play was my first "independent" play to have watched since my highschool days where the last theatrical play that I get to watch was El Filibusterismo. So it has been such a long time since I watched one. This play was titled Pulses, and is a thesis for a group of graduating UP students. Even though this particular play is a student production; acting was exceptional.

    Props were bare, but very smartly used. Music was melancholic, and it gave me goose-bumps. What made this play exceptional was the skills of the actors and how each one gave vivid life to the characters they portrayed. Some were funny, some were shockingly liberated, some were mild yet melancholic. All, were great, and everyone will surely be able to relate to a certain character; they may be gay or straight, a cross-dresser, or a straight couple who is so much in love, a prostitute, an OFW, a lonely gay guy living alone, or a young family. 

    This was a play about the lives of people living with HIV, from all walks of life. Of how we live, and the things we go through, from the first day of diagnosis, progressing to the point where we have moved on. Personally, this play was not easy for me to watch at all. I thought it was going to be just okay, that it will be just a breeze, that I am just going to sit there and enjoy the production; just like when I watch Rent repeatedly. However, this one was different, basically because I... First-handedly experienced most of the scenes and stories portrayed in the play. I have witnessed and I know people going through or have gone through the exact same situations that the characters in this play had. As the emotional person that I am, and being able to absorb easily what is going on around me, I got drifted into the story, very easily. That said, tears gently poured out from my eyes just within the first few minutes of the play. I did my best to keep them in, but the scenes were all just too relatable, although not painful anymore; the memories and the emotions of way back just bursted in me. There were some scenes that were just all too familiar, very much familiar, that I felt transported to the exact same moment, that I can't stop but to just let it all out; I cried but not in sadness, but in memory of it. I had to stop myself from shaking and crying because the people beside me were already looking at me. I may sound exaggerating, but I just can't help it, it's different when someone (like me) experienced the same situation being portrayed.

    The play is a great tool to open the eyes and hearts of many and give them an insight of what people living with the virus goes through and the people affected by it; like our parents, siblings, friends, lovers, acquaintances, counselors, doctors, the people we work with and who we are with at most times. It gave faces and form to what we don't see and to what we do not want to see with regards to the virus, that not only infects our bodies but influences our minds, and proper knowledge is one tool to fight it.

    Pulses is a moving, powerful, and heart breaking play that opens our eyes to the hidden realities of the life changing effects of HIV.

    "We are more than what our bodies make us to be" - Pulses

    Wednesday, September 21, 2011

    My Top Ten: Pet Peeves

    1.) People who spit on the street, on the side of the bus, on plant boxes, everywhere.

    2.) People who take so long to use use the ATM.

    3.) Anyone who texts me in the following format: "wru na", "wer na u", "musta na u", "hw r u", "hwru".. Will surely not get a reply from me.

    4.) I hate those who uses verbally on in anyway the word "me" in such a fashion that it is being inserted at the end or in the middle or at the start of a tagalog sentence. Like: Gutom na me, Pagod na me, Me na... Putangina, umayos kayong magsalita!

    5.) I hate those with an auto-play feature turned on in their blog or profile. I know you want to share the music you listen to, but it is just very annoying.

    6.) Call Center people who talk in an annoying accent in a very annoying way. Please drop the attention grabbing "maarte" english accent you have! No need to be annoyingly loud and enunciate every word you utter... Yung parang kinukulot mo ang bawat salitang sinasabi mo? So what if you work in a call center, ako rin nagkokolcenter, baket?

    7.) I don't like those who take much of their time choosing and thinking of what to order in a fast-food counter, if you have not made up your mind on what to order, get out of the fucking line!

    8.) Feeling Close - Ngayon pa lang tayo nagkakilala kung makahawak ka ha?!

    9.) People who bumps you along the way without even saying sorry or being conscious about it. Eh kung itulak kaya kita?

    10.) Singit na nga sa pila, deadma pa rin. One incident along time ago: "Miss may pila, nasa likod yung simula", deadma si miss. "Excuse me miss" sabay kalabit sa balikat "pumila ka naman, ang dami namin o".


    Saturday, September 17, 2011

    09172011: Learning to cook

    Rice and steamed Cream Dory (spiced with cayenne pepper, black pepper, salt, glutamate, garlic, rosemary)
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    Thursday, September 1, 2011

    Broken Wings



    It's another Thursday for my check-up in the H4 Ward. Today, I was with Fred, an ex of mine who is also infected. Both of us arrived early knowing that it could be pretty crowded every Thursdays, however, despite of us being very early, we end up being the 13th and the 14th in the line. The morning was usual, after lining up, we went to the nearest fastfood and had breakfast then went back. Fred wasn't feeling well when we got there, his tummy has been in pain since he woke up and the medicines he had with him almost didn't help. After a few hours, my code and alias was finally called, it was my turn. The doctor checked my list of vital signs for the day which was all normal and asked a few questions regarding how I am adjusting with my new medicine. I said I am still experiencing fatigue and dizziness most of the time, but each time is becoming more tolerable. The doctor gave me a list of blood chem to do, so I'll be back there again. I forgot to check on how much medicines I have left, tsk. Better be back next Thursday to get my supply.

    It was Fred's turn after me, same doctor. He was there for a check-up and to find out his CD4 result, and of course, to have his tummy checked. Patients are already pouring in the doctor's office and Fred's check-up was taking a while so I decided to go out.

    I bumped into the Female OFW that I blogged about two entries ago; she lost her baby during birth. I asked how is she, she's still in shock, but staying strong. She said that she was discharged just in time to be at home for her eldest's 8th birthday. She can walk normally now, and she looks stronger. She may have lost her baby, but she regained her life back, somehow. I left her for a while to check who are still in the ward and came back to her with questions. What happened to Topher (Wiggly 3) and Sonny (Wiggly 1). She said that Topher's mom wanted his son to be transferred to a different hospital because Topher's condition is not getting any better and is having a hard time sleeping at night. Sonny was transferred to RITM for some reason, he developed several infections. The last time I saw Sonny, he was almost just skin and bones; that time the father said to me that he wouldn't want to eat anymore and is getting weaker and weaker.

    I may not know Sonny personally nor I was close to his family and I never have spoken to him. He was the first one who was at the bed at my right when I was confined. For a few days I saw how he struggled, I saw how he cried in pain, I saw how he endured every high fever attacks he had every single night. I saw how sad he was, I saw pain through his eyes in the rare moments our eyes would cross. I saw how his father would wipe and clean up his frail body everyday and how his mom would embrace him when he is having chills at night. I saw how he fought and how his parents stood by him, yet he lost the battle. Sonny died after a few days of being transferred to RITM. It's very heart breaking for me to know that he had moved on, he was only in his early twenties, and I just saw him alive 2 weeks ago.

    Fred sent me a text message while I was waiting at the Ward's lobby... He said that his CD4 count is now at 97. I was shocked by the news. I was so in shock that I didn't know what to reply. The gloomy day just became gloomier and gloomier. It's a fact that anyone with a CD4 count of below 200 with one or several opportunistic infections will be diagnosed as someone with an HIV Clinical Stage 4, or someone with AIDS. I am so sad with the news, I almost couldn't bare all the heart breaking stories I found out this morning. Fred's tummy is still under observation and he has a long list of lab work to be done, and some medicines to relieve the pain.

    Now that someone very close and dear to me is going to a battle of his own. I want to be there for him.

    Fred, you will never be alone in your battle. I will always be here for you, we will fight this dreaded condition together, and we will not only survive, but we will live. So hold on, and we will move forward and fight.

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