For those who lost the battle

We have been fighting battles for equal right, discrimination, for medicines, for prevention, awareness, fear, for a cure, and many others; but our biggest fight is to stay alive longer and to be at the peak of our health. For some it is an easy battle, for others it is more than an uphill climb, or worse, a losing one.

In the memory of those we have lost in HIV/AIDS, let us keep fighting and keep on moving forward; because this virus will not stop us, until our life's final night. We will live life, and stay alive.

Of deaths and dying in the Philippine PLHIV community

Yesterday, I was browsing some HIV/AIDS clips in Youtube when I checked my Twitter timeline to see the news that a fellow PLHIV passed away earlier that day; the coincidence is just of good timing. I was terribly saddened by the news and it is always heart breaking to know someone passed away because of HIV/AIDS; the virus, the condition, the syndrome, the disease, that many others and me have been fighting. It's even sadder news when they die so young, like the young fellow patients I once knew who died a few weeks after I have known them.

A fellow PLHIV from whom the tweet originally came from told me that some PLHIVs sent him a message that they were scared of the news. I told him "tell them to face the facts, I know it's scary that we will end up the way almost every PLHIV do, but it's how we live that matters". It is always a serious and devastating issue whenever someone dies, whether we personally know them or otherwise, or if we are close to them or not. Dead is how all of us will end up, but when it comes to the PLHIV community, it is always an extra sensitive issue, and I believe it is one fact that many thinks of but are yet to face.

For someone like me who is fighting a battle with HIV/AIDS, it is a sad fact that we will go one by one. It's devastating enough to have this virus and even more with that morbid thought of us dying. My point is, let us not fear death, and let us not ignore it. At our situation, we are somehow lucky that we know what will most likely kill us; therefore, we have more reasons to value our lives and the people we love. Perhaps this awareness will give us greater will and more reasons to live life, and be alive.

Happiness and Health; keeping the CD4 count up.

One common and constant battle among PLHIVs (People Living with HIV) is the challenge we face in either keeping or pulling up our CD4 count at a healthy and normal level. Here are some facts (from online sources) to what a CD4 is and its importance before we proceed.

“CD4 cells are a type of white blood cell that fights infection. Another name for them is T-helper cells. CD4 cells are made in the spleen, lymph nodes, and thymus gland, which are part of the lymph or infection-fighting system. CD4 cells move throughout your body, helping to identify and destroy germs such as bacteria and viruses.

The CD4 count measures the number of CD4 cells in a sample of your blood drawn by a needle from a vein in your arm. Along with other tests, the CD4 count helps tell how strong your immune system is, indicates the stage of your HIV disease, guides treatment, and predicts how your disease may progress. Keeping your CD4 count high can reduce complications of HIV disease and extend your life.”

“Your immune system contains different types of cells that help protect the body from infection. One of these types of specialized cells are called the CD4 or T-cells. HIV attacks these types of cells and uses them to make more copies of HIV. And in doing so, HIV weakens the immune system, making it unable to protect the body from illness and infection.”

“HIV most often infects CD4 cells. The virus becomes part of the cells, and when they multiply to fight an infection, they make more copies of HIV.

When someone is infected with HIV but has not started treatment, the number of CD4 cells they have goes down. This is a sign that the immune system is being weakened. The lower the CD4 cell count, the more likely the person will get sick.”

Thus, as mentioned above, the amount of CD4 cells are of important basis of a PLHIV’s health. The higher the number of CD4 cells in the system, the better. A normal CD4 count is from 500 to 1000 cells/mm³.

Here in the Philippines, a PLHIV is required to have his CD4 count checked every 6 months. When I was first diagnosed, my CD4 count was at 526 back in April 2010. It then went down to 385; I started taking medications when my CD4 hit 295. Six months after beginning ARV treatment, my CD4 went up to 589, it went up again last June to 687. During the time that my CD4 count hit below the 500 level, I did get sick; I got Pneumonia twice within three months, so yes, my immune system was already indeed weak and vulnerable as science says.

When I started ARV treatment, I really did not do anything radically different to help boost-up my immune system. No vitamins until now, no food supplements, no herbal treatments whatsoever. I just stayed happy as I usually am and learned to let go of things that would heighten my stress levels, because stress is a very big factor to our immune system’s decline. Although I do believe in another thing, that one can never be truly happy without being accepting of oneself, thus, living in denial is a health hazard.

Also, surround yourself with people who care. Remember, when you disclose to someone you know, it does not mean that they care or will do, some or most people are only curious of you and your condition despite of how much you trust them. So be wise on whom you disclose your status to.

I admit, I still do smoke, I figured that I’d rather psychologically de-stress with something that might kill me a few years from now, rather than not smoke at all and be stressed about it and than put my health in bigger jeopardy because of mental or emotional stress then it will kill me sooner because of a weakened immune system. However, despite of my now back smoking habits, I was still able to pull-up my CD4 count to normal, and still going higher. I know of many PLHIVs who have a hard time doing so, yes it is a case to case basis, but still, the point is, pulling it up to a normal level is indeed a big challenge every PLHIV face with or without any Opportunistic Infections they might have or roadblocks they might be facing.

Being happy is one thing, but being genuinely happy and thinking one is happy are two different things and there is a fine line between the two.  Be genuinely happy, accept yourself and the things you can’t change, and let go of the extra baggage, embrace life and be alive.

References:

thebody.com

aids.about.com

webmd.com

http://www.thebody.com/h/normal-cd4-count.html

http://www.thebody.com/content/6110/cd4-t-cell-tests.html

http://aids.about.com/od/technicalquestions/f/cd4.htm

http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/cd4-count-what-does-it-mean

Self medication and careful observation (HIV and natural remedies)

As of this writing it is now 4 minutes before 4 AM. I am supposed and was planning to go to San Lazaro to have myself checked. However, I don't feel that there's anything wrong with my anymore, no more cough and colds nor sore throat. It seemed that as every day passed, I am getting better. I was thinking of the blood incident the other day that every time I blow my nose there was blood, someone told me that every time I sleep I poke my nose too hard, and I have a history of a waking up finding myself with a bleeding face. So it was my fingers that were the culprit. I looked at my nails and the tips were black and long as if I lived back in the caveman era, I did cut my nails right away.

I have decided not to go to the hospital to have myself checked. Of reasons such as... the long lines and long wait might just make me more stressed thus will make me sick again, and the commute all the way to Manila will make me sick and tired. I will only go to the hospital to get my refills and submit my lab tests or for my CD4 count. Besides, I can go there in dire cases such as when I had a 41 degree fever last year. As of right now, I am completely okay. No more blood whenever I blow my nose, taking into consideration that whenever I cough there was no blood, but only when I sneeze, that means my nasal cavity is wounded, is that because I poke my nose too hard when sleeping? The cold and tonsillitis, I am not sure if these two are related, but whenever I have colds I get tonsillitis. So as long as I get rid of the damn cold, the tonsillitis will go away.

Why did I had colds in the first place? I went to the UP Fair and got home at 5 AM, I was already awake at 4 AM the day before, this was Saturday. Sunday night, me and PJ had a late dinner, I went home at midnight then woke up at 3 AM. Monday, went to work without an umbrella and stayed late night with my friend Monica and ate a lot of sweets including 12 ounces of ice cream from Dairy Queen, which might have triggered the bacterial infection. Tuesday morning, had a terrible case of colds and tonsillitis. So there, I lacked sleep and never had enough rest for the past couple of days, thus a lowered immune response resulting to bacterial infection of the throat and sinus.

I did not really take anything synthetic aside from the ARVs when I got sick. I just stayed in bed for hours on end, only getting up to go to the bathroom or to eat. Plus I eat spicy food, they say spicy food helps eliminate bacteria from the body. I was all clear in just three days, including today. Taking into consideration that as someone with HIV I am still prone to bacterial and fungal infections, thus, I will then make some research on an antibacterial diet. the ARVs already make me less prone to even the strongest viruses, err.. HIV? So the only thing I have to address are bad bacterias and fungi. I don't want to take so much antibiotics anymore, aside from they rid of the body of also the good bacteria, they might be bad for the liver too. Antibiotics that were always prescribed to me are either Azithromycin and Ciprofloxacin which are both strong classes of drugs. I will only succumb to these drugs when natural remedies can no longer fight the infections within, but as long as it can, I will use natural remedies as well as my own body to fight foreign invaders inside me.

So back to bed I go for more sleep. 

Sick

Last Tuesday morning I woke up feeling feverish. I was sneezing uncontrollably. Then at one big sneeze, blood spritzed out of my mouth, it scared the hell out of me. My fever began at 37 degrees then it was constant at that. I called up the office saying I cannot make it that day, then I sent an email to my boss saying I'm sick.

I wasn't coughing but I kept on sneezing and I felt terrible, I felt weak. the mucus whenever I blow nose had blood in it and I had tonsillitis, I had difficulty swallowing. I haven't told my dad yet until earlier through a text message, although I know my dad was already trying to call me up on my landline, I was in no mood to talk to anyone.

I was supposed to go to San Lazaro right away last Tuesday or today, but I ought to go there tomorrow. I thought of saving my strength because the commute might just drain so much of me. I haven't done any of the required bi-annual lab tests yet, but I'll have them soon. Tomorrow, I just want to have myself checked. I am thinking that I am having another bout with Pneumonia, this is how I felt with my last two attacks back in 2010 and earlier part of 2011 which was both Community Acquired Pneumonia.

Right now, I am already coughing although my throat doesn't hurt that much anymore and I don't have any fever, my body temperature's down to 36.9 degrees.

No paracetamols or any drug were used to hasten down my fever nor to address the colds and cough. No cough medicines has any effect on me anyway, paracetamols are not allowed until fever goes as high as 40 degrees. 

Pulling up the numbers - Making your CD4 count higher

My latest CD4 count as of January 2012 was 589, it was 294 points up from my previous count, almost 300 points increase. I did change a bit of my lifestyle, and I am willing to do more better changes. Here are the usual things I did on the 6 months I was battling to gain back the normalcy of my immune system. So therefore, here are my tips:

1. Don't stress - Stress is the biggest factor of why the CD4 count drops significantly low. 
2. Eat well - This is subjective based on one's needs. Do eat well and in moderation, make sure you get enough nutrients in whatever you put in your mouth. 
3. Sleep - Sleep well and get lots of it. 
4. Listen and feel the body - Those aches and pains are signs that something is wrong. Do something  to alleviate it and investigate the cause. Do not over work your body, it has its limitations, you may want to push it to the limit or beyond, but it can only perform so much. 
5. Relax - As much as you want, whenever. 
6. Get the rage out - Keeping your rage in, may cause you to be stressed out. I express myself by listening to loud music or just tweeting away some thoughts. 
7. Walk - It's just healthy and simple. 
8. Keep yourself busy - Learn a new hobby, read, write, day dream.
9. Have alone time - Being alone will get you to know yourself more, and you will also know what your body needs and what your soul desires. 
10. Smile.

Note: My ARV cocktail - Lamivudine/Zidovudine, Efavirenz

Dizzy down the boy (Efavirenz side-effects)

What does it feel to have the usual Efavirenz side-effect? I mean, this is nightly, as in every single night of forever as long as I am taking this drug. The side-affects are usually felt two hours after I drank the pill and is best to just sleep it off.

As of this writing, my face feels a bit numb just like when one drank too much alcohol. My fingers are feeling a bit more sensitive, there's some sort of an unexplainable sensation there too. Dizzy, that certain dizziness when you have drank a couple of glasses of wine or a few bottles of beer. It's mild, you can still control yourself but you know you are dizzy. I feel giddy, and I get annoyed very easily. I sometimes slur when I talk at this time of day. This is also the time that I don't like to be in tight spaces. There are days that I just want to strip off all of my clothes even in the middle of somewhere, because I feel hot, and I feel like my insides are going to burst.

That's all. I just want to share.

NOTE: Above are the usual side-effects; lately I have been experiencing insomnia on some nights, as well as depression. I am yet to experience hallucinations and those very famous vivid dreams. 

HIV & drug induced depression (Efavirenz side effects)

Last Friday the 20th of January, was just like any normal day for me. Until early morning came and I felt something weird. I felt sad, deeply sad,I felt like I was absorbing everyone's sadness around me, yet, I have no single reason to be sad about. It got worse hour after hour, until I almost bursted into tears at my workstation for no apparent reason. I twitted the moments I felt like that, and many responded, thank you so much.

It was one of the more serious side-effects of Efavirenz, it is one of my medicines to manage HIV. I talked to a fellow PLHIV and he said that it is normal, and I have to live with it. More online research was made, and I found out that either I live with the depression or I have to switch meds, which I don't want to anymore. I already changed cocktails twice. The usual dizziness I usually feel from the evening, went on until the next day, plus the depression went worse, I felt like I was exploding in extreme sadness, it was unexplainable,  and overwhelming.

I have been taking Efavirenz for almost 6 months, some side-effects take even years before it will manifest, so I am yet to encounter more. I am preparing myself, mentally, and emotionally, for most of the serious side-effects are psychiatric, while the physiological side-effects involves the usual liver damage which can be treated with another type of drug, the other side-effects involves some other physically changing effects. The worse side-effect of all I think, is the "suicidal thoughts" side effect, probably due to extreme depression caused by the drug. I have read a lot of warning and fact sheets online, and they all warn about the same thing.

So as I turn a "sophomore" into this new life of mine; this coming April, the more I need to prepare. I have been infected with a bacterial URTI a few weeks ago and the antibiotic prescribed was stronger than when I had Pneumonia last 2010 and early 2011. Insomnia has been lingering around with me lately, and exhaustion.

I don't live in a bubble and part of it all is exposing myself to a lot of life-threatening bacteria and viruses plus everyday stress. Ironically, the medicines that keep me alive, might kill me too.

Thank you to my twitter friends and physical world friends who responded to my tweets. I deeply appreciate all the encouragement. 

The Hidden Epidemic

A lot of people put so much of their lives or the entirety of their lives to the heavens. The heavens will not live your life for you, you do. You have the power to weave your thread in the web of the universe.

I do believe that amongst the walking men in the this city of broken hearts and throbbing cocks lies the darkness of an epidemic eating away life. Gnawing silently inside our lustful bodies, moving from one host to another victim, expanding its wrath. We have the power to stop the epidemic, we have the power to survive. Know and have the power to act and stop the virus, before it swallows another life, perhaps you can stop it before it consumes you.

Pulses: A play inspired by people living with HIV

Yesterday, I went (alone) to UP Diliman to watch a play that was told to me by a friend. That play was my first "independent" play to have watched since my highschool days where the last theatrical play that I get to watch was El Filibusterismo. So it has been such a long time since I watched one. This play was titled Pulses, and is a thesis for a group of graduating UP students. Even though this particular play is a student production; acting was exceptional.

Props were bare, but very smartly used. Music was melancholic, and it gave me goose-bumps. What made this play exceptional was the skills of the actors and how each one gave vivid life to the characters they portrayed. Some were funny, some were shockingly liberated, some were mild yet melancholic. All, were great, and everyone will surely be able to relate to a certain character; they may be gay or straight, a cross-dresser, or a straight couple who is so much in love, a prostitute, an OFW, a lonely gay guy living alone, or a young family. 

This was a play about the lives of people living with HIV, from all walks of life. Of how we live, and the things we go through, from the first day of diagnosis, progressing to the point where we have moved on. Personally, this play was not easy for me to watch at all. I thought it was going to be just okay, that it will be just a breeze, that I am just going to sit there and enjoy the production; just like when I watch Rent repeatedly. However, this one was different, basically because I... First-handedly experienced most of the scenes and stories portrayed in the play. I have witnessed and I know people going through or have gone through the exact same situations that the characters in this play had. As the emotional person that I am, and being able to absorb easily what is going on around me, I got drifted into the story, very easily. That said, tears gently poured out from my eyes just within the first few minutes of the play. I did my best to keep them in, but the scenes were all just too relatable, although not painful anymore; the memories and the emotions of way back just bursted in me. There were some scenes that were just all too familiar, very much familiar, that I felt transported to the exact same moment, that I can't stop but to just let it all out; I cried but not in sadness, but in memory of it. I had to stop myself from shaking and crying because the people beside me were already looking at me. I may sound exaggerating, but I just can't help it, it's different when someone (like me) experienced the same situation being portrayed.

The play is a great tool to open the eyes and hearts of many and give them an insight of what people living with the virus goes through and the people affected by it; like our parents, siblings, friends, lovers, acquaintances, counselors, doctors, the people we work with and who we are with at most times. It gave faces and form to what we don't see and to what we do not want to see with regards to the virus, that not only infects our bodies but influences our minds, and proper knowledge is one tool to fight it.

Pulses is a moving, powerful, and heart breaking play that opens our eyes to the hidden realities of the life changing effects of HIV.

"We are more than what our bodies make us to be" - Pulses

Confined in San Lazaro Hospital H4 Ward (part 2)

Part 1 here 

DAY 3 - Sunday, my 3rd night in the hospital, was very emotional for me. Dad's wife showed concern by coming to the hospital to see me, which she rarely does, well, she rarely see me anyway; this time she did. Anne's entire family came to the hospital to visit me, all of them cooked something for me. Angel, went to visit me with a bag full of cheesecakes and beef tenderloin in mushroom sauce. Anne's ex-boyfriend's family and friends came to see me too; which was very unexpected and we were all wondering how did they find out. We had a little feast on my bed that day, it went on until early evening. Every caught up with one another and Angel met Anne's family for the first time. It was a wonderful night indeed. I was very full, and sleepy after all that eating. Angel stayed after everyone went home. He stayed and we talked for a while, all the while he held my hand and showed me how much he cared and how he dearly misses me. I missed him too.

DAY 4 - Monday, early morning, Fred (one of my exes), came by to see me before he gets his blood extracted for his 3rd CD4 count. He bought someone along with him, a friend of his whom I met in one of his birthday parties in the past, he is also a PLHIV now. After Fred went to the SACCL clinic for his blood extraction, doctors came to do their rounds. One of the more tenured doctor ordered Wiggly#1 and #2 to be transferred to the male ward because they have fever, while Rico, and Marsha to be transferred to the female ward. The goals is to have all patients with fever in one room and those without to another. Good thing I didn't have any fever on that day anymore. So there we were; me, Rico, Marsha, bikiniboy and the female OFW all in one room. Rico and bikiniboy were already close, so as Rico and Marsha. I asked dad to bring my Monopoly board game so I can play with my roommates to get rid of boredom. So we did play monopoly; Rico, Marsha, bikiniboy, and Rico's older brother. We started late afternoon and until the early evening, we played on bikiniboy's bed while we drag our IV stands along. Everyone was so excited and noisy that some of the nurses had to come by to our room to hush us down. My dad had to interrupt us several times because we weren't eating at all; we were so all into the game. So we had our dinner (food ration) together using bikiniboy's table and everyone sat and ate together. After eating, it was already 8 PM, just in time for everyone's medicines. My dad went home, and after a while the nurse came by to inject diphenhydramine on my IV tube. At first, as the drug goes into my veins and I felt a jolt of pain in my arms, but I felt all light and funny after a short while, and I dozed off.

THE CHARACTERS I MET

Rico - an OFW, he said he thinks he got the virus while he was in the middle east and doing sidelines as boy-for-pay because he needed the extra money. He entered some bikini open contests locally, that's where he met bikiniboy. The two had a thing in the past. He also told me that he is seeing someone lately and that guy doesn't know he is a carrier. I told him to better tell the guy as soon as he can before things get too deep. I told him that if the guy accepts as what he is right now, that he must be truly sincere in his intentions. So Rico did tell the guy the same day I told him so. The guy he is seeing went to visit him in the hospital and they talked. So after a while, Rico introduced the guy to us as his boyfriend, the two were all flirting inside our room. Rico then asked his new boyfriend what if he gets infected because the condom broke? His boyfriend told him it is okay to be infected by him because he loves him so much. Okay wait..! I thought I did not hear that statement correctly! Yes I did, that is just fuckin' stupid! Why would anyone be so foolish to have a mindset like that? It is okay to be infected by the one you love? Don't you love your own life? Fine, it may be selfless, but didn't he already see what are we going through? That same mindset, I think, is one very careless way to be infected and die! 

Bikiniboy - Is from the province. we call him "contesera" because he joins one bikini contest after another, and that is all he does. His mom sells food in construction sites and on the streets and they have a little sari-sari store. He has several siblings and his ex-boyfriend who is also a PLHIV lives with them; who watches over the store and his siblings. He has pretty eyes, and that's it. You don't want to hear him talk because of his provincial accent and annoying high pitched voice, but he's nice.

Wiggly#1 - A young lad from the province, he's around 21 or 22, I think, I can vaguely remember his age. He was fragile looking because he was so thin and his skin became dark because of the ARVs. He has a sharp nose and deep set eyes, he has the facial features that would have that piercing look. He's almost as tall as me. His parents never knew he has HIV until the day he got sick. So sick he almost couldn't walk anymore and has several infections including UTI. Wiggly#1 often gets fever attacks during the early evening and at dawn. He chills so much it scares the hell out of out me. They even need a lamp to warm him up and wrap up in plastic bags to make him sweat then wrap him in several layers of blankets. As the days go by I notice his eyes turn yellow, and the nurses told them that an option to be transfered to the ICU was open for wiggly#1, I saw tears of devastation came out from his mom's eyes.

Wiggly#2 - 20 years old, a very bright boy. All he does when he was not having fever attacks was to read books, not novels, but science books. I have the impression that this boy is a geek. I got to talk to his mom one day and she said his son finished college ahead of his peers, he was a scholar from highschool through college and was a teacher by profession. He was one of the youngest teachers to ever taught in the school (name not to be mentioned anymore). He had to quit teaching when he got sick, he was planning to be a professor one day, because all he wanted was to teach; his mother told me. The mother only knew of his condition when he got so sick, but wiggly#2 already knew he has HIV way back, he just kept it all by himself and he never asked for treatment, until it got worse.

Wiggly#3 - 25 years old, from the outsourcing industry who quit his job because he cannot work anymore, he's just too sick. His mother only knew of his condition when he got hospitalized. Wiggly#3 never knew he has HIV until he was confined to a hospital near their place and the doctors don't know what to do anymore, so they asked him if he wants to have an HIV test, because the medicines weren't working at all. He tested positive, he was then asked to transfer to San Lazaro Hospital. There, they found out he only has a CD4 count of 10. He's the middle child amongst 7 siblings, his mom is the one with him in the hospital. He has pneumonia, his fever almost never goes away, and he is already becoming all skin and bones.

The female OFW - She's pregnant with a baby she never wanted. She was working in Malaysia when she was raped. It was how she got the virus and got pregnant. All the while, her relatives thought she was still in Malaysia, working. She's in hiding right now, because she can't face her family in her present condition. Her husband is taking care of her as she recovers.

Alexis - Was already in the H4 ward for two years. He was already skin and bones when I saw him, and he looked so fragile that a mere touch might seem to break him apart. He always sleep on his side facing the wall. He always wears a sando and pair of boxers. They say that he was confined for 9 months the first time, it was then he knew he has HIV, he began to lose his sight until he got completely blind, one complication of HIV. He is back in the hospital because he was bleeding through his stool. his mom and nephew diligently watches over him. I saw Alexis' face for the first time while I was talking to his mom. He almost just a skull, he obviously has nice facial features in spite of all the wasting that occurred. He has a dominant jaw line and high cheekbones with a very sharp bridged nose. I wanted to look at his eyes, but I was too scared to do so.

Marsha - I got his attention when I played Donna Cruz's hit "Kapag Tumibok Ang Puso". He just stood up and went dancing to the exact dance steps of that song! I was laughing my ass off while watching him, he was so full of energy! After he danced, he grabbed a broom and started cleaning the whole room. He was still in the male ward when I first met him. He is just so full of life, he's so funny that he makes everyone burst out laughing. He is the only one who can make wiggly#3 laugh so hard he almost fell out of his bed laughing. He has the typical "pa-girl" type attitude and lines that makes everyone around him light-up and laugh. He is no longer a cross dresser anymore 'though. He has a sister who is a tomboy, so the two of them literally switched genders. He is also strong, in every sense of the word. With his IV still attached to his wrist, he cleans the room, cleans the rest room, if there's no water in the restroom, he gets water from outside all by himself. He was even able to fix the female ward's ceiling with a hammer. When he transferred from the male ward to the female ward where I was at, he even carried the wall fan from his old bed to his new bed, and he installed it all by himself. Marsha, was already there for two months because of a fungi in his brain. He had a Lumbar Tab procedure done to get spinal fluids to be cultured and find out if the medicines were able to eliminate the fungi. The lumbar tap procedure was done in the ward and everybody watched, including me of course. It was scary, the doctor drilled a hole to his spine! and we all saw how the clear spinal fluid was dripping into a small glass bottle. After the procedure, Marsha was told not to move and eat for 8 hours. We were all worried. After several hours, Marsha was very quiet, we were worried, until... He talked in a husky voice and requested for Donna Cruz's Kapag Tumibok Ang Puso to be played, so I did. While I was playing the requested song in full volume through my phone, he was dancing along to the song while he was lying in bed and with his eyes closed! We all smiled and said "he's okay and back to normal". After a while he yelled for the nurse and said "Pabilisin niyo ang oras! nagugutom na ako!" We all laughed and said, welcome back Marsha, you are indeed fine and well. The said procedure is so dangerous that he is the only living survivor of it, it was already his second lumbar tab procedure. The others who underwent such a procedure weren't able to survive, after it; they just stopped taking, responding, functioning, and they eventually die.

THE EXPERIENCE

The male ward where the wiggly boys are, is what I call the fever ward; because everyone in there have severe fever. During late nights, that room seemed to be a greenhouse with yellow lights focused on giant cocoons of wiggling worms. All of them are shivering in their beds at the same time they seem to have a choreographed dance number. They seem to do a wiggle dance every night, they all looked like giant worms wrapped in cocoons 'though. They may look funny, but they are dangerously ill.

The picture below was taken by me after bikiniboy cleaned our restroom, because before, we have to cross to the other room just to use the restroom. Bikiniboy then decided to just open up the locked restroom in our room (the female ward) that says "Out of order" and check out why it is out of order. I had a Lysol cleaner with me and Rico asked his older brother to buy muriatic acid. Bikiniboy spent more than an hour cleaning the restroom, and he found out that the only thing wrong there was the faucet. So we asked for the plumber to come over and fix it, he was able to, but the water just wouldn't flow as fast as in the other restrooms. We just have to live with it. We have the cleanest restroom in the whole H4 ward 'though. So because we have the cleanest restroom in the whole ward, Marsha did not want just anyone to use it. So he posted a sign as you see in the picture below.
I had a great time in the hospital. The female OFW, Rico, Bikiniboy, and Marsha and me... We all ate together, laugh together, play cards together, share our stories with each other. I've met a lot of interesting characters, and seen different faces of HIV that I only see in photographs. I saw different Opportunistic Infections, specially the scary ones. I met the nicest nurses and had a great laugh with Marsha's antics! The female ward eventually became the Becky Ward! Our usual routine was breakfast, shower, then sleep, lunch, sleep, afternoon monopoly and card games, dinner, meds, sleep. Sometimes Anne's dad, Angel, or Rico's mom or brother would bring lots of food to share with everyone, so we give away our food rations to the other "bantays" who cannot afford to eat. On most nights, since the female ward became the becky ward, nurses would often go to our room to hush us down. There was even one incident that we were so noisy that the guard came to our room and told us the the noisy ones will be escorted outside the ward... Yeah right! Whatever! Female OFW never went out of her bed except when going to the rest room, but when we were already becoming noisy and were having fun, she joined in and started walking around too! She too became so noisy the nurses had to tell her to quiet down. Everyone in the room got well, so well, that me, Rico, and bikiniboy got discharged on the same day. While female OFW was told she needs only one last blood transfusion and she will be released. Marsha on the other hand needs to stay because he needs to wait for the results of his spinal fluid culture.

I technically spent 6 days in the H4 ward. It was an experience worth remembering, but I don't want to be confined ever again.

Thank you so much to everyone who visited, gave food, brought books, made me laugh, bought laptops and MP3s players, and those who pleasantly surprised me. I appreciate all your efforts, thank you so much!

Confined in San Lazaro Hospital H4 Ward (part 1)

It was August 3, morning, Wednesday. I was on my way to San Lazaro from work, when I started to feel unusually tired. When I arrived in San Lazaro to have some lab work done, I was already feeling weak, so weak that I could barely walk far. I decided to go to the H4 ward to have a temperature check or perhaps an impromptu check-up, but all my vital signs were normal, so the nurses told me to go home and take a rest; so I did. In the train, I was so weak I can barely hold tight on the metal bars for support or even on the over head bars. Good thing I was able to find myself a seat. I was able to go home safely that day. A few hours after I arrived home, my fever shot up to 40 degrees. I called up the ward to tell them what happened and what to do. They told me to take paracetamol tablets. The next day was my check-up; so I'll have everything checked on that day.

Check-up day came, August 4, 2011. I was feeling a bit better, dad drove me to the hospital that morning. My fever was intermittently high on some hours and I have to take paracetamol for it to go down. I was inside the car the whole time because I was so weak to even sit on the plastic chairs in front of the ward. When it was my turn to be checked, the doctor asked me if I wanted to be confined, I said no. Although he warned me that anytime that I feel something else aside from the fever, I need to be confined right away, the doctor also told me to observe anything unusual so we can determine what causes the fever.

August 5, 2011, I woke up in the morning and saw my arms with bright red spots. I told my dad who then just arrived from the market. He told me to pack my things, I am going to be admitted. While we were in the car, I started informing people that matters that I am going to be confined. Everybody responded with well wishes. I was soon to know who will visit. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors were on lunch, so we have to wait a couple of minutes more. My fever started to get high again so I was shivering at the ward's lobby, I laid myself down on one of the benches and slept. My name was called after some time, and a wheelchair was waiting for me to take me to the doctor's office. I told the doctor I am ready to be admitted, so the doctor arranged all the needed documents. A bed in the female ward was prepared for me along with other male patients who were just kids. The only female patient in that room was a pregnant girl. we'll call her Female OFW.

DAY 1 - It was my first time to be confined in a public hospital. This is better than nothing at all, I cannot afford to to be in the pay-ward anyway. I was put in the female ward, with only 1 female patient and with three males; all three were in their early twenties. The room was around 50 square feet with green walls and screened windows. There were 5 beds that were made of old hospital metal frames and some foams already have cracked because of age. My bed was the one with the cracked foam and was at the very end of the row of beds. At my right was a kid with both of his parents at his side who frequently has severe fever attacks at night, let's call him wiggly#1. On my left is a small space where some stuff are stored a bit further down and was Female OFW's bed, and at the foot of my bed is bikiniboy, the twenty something provincial lad who was confined because his body reacted violently to Nevirapine. At my far right was a twenty year old someone from somewhere in NCR, let's call him wiggly#2. While my dad was at the mall shopping for supplies I need. A friend from work who lives nearby was the first one to visit me with her boyfriend. We had a little chitchat and we caught up with some stuff at work and about her kid. She helped me settle down some of my stuff I brought with me. My dad came back in the room late afternoon and my friend and her boyfriend had to go, we had fun catching up. My mom came late afternoon and I told her to have dinner with my dad. While the two were away I was left alone on my bed, half asleep, when the mother of wiggly#2 told me that I was bleeding. I looked at my hand and saw a fountain of smooth flowing blood gushing out of my wrist. My IV tube went out, thus, the bleeding. The blood was gushing out so fast that almost half of the bed-sheet got wet of blood. Infairness, I was at awe on how much blood gushed out and how beautiful the flow was that I almost did not bother to stop it from bleeding. The next thing I knew was that my hand was full of fresh, warm blood, and so as the sheets. The nurse came and and immediately wore his gloves, took the paper towels at my stainless steel desk and stopped it from bleeding. Half of my bed was full of paper towels because I have to pat it dry. My IV tube was then transfered to my right wrist. Anne, my best friend was the one who was with me on my first night in the hospital. I asked my dad to go home and take a rest. Anne was very diligent on checking my temperature and wiping my back and changing my clothes. I never knew she would do it, not until that day. She bought DVDs and a player with her. So after watching a flick, we slept. She was not able to slept soundly because I kept on coughing and moving around all night and I was sweating like a roasting pig with my pink-rashed skin.

DAY 2 - More visitors came by to greet and bring food. Anne's dad dropped by and brought food during lunch time. I also was able to get to know more patients as I my fever goes down and I was able to walk around inside the ward. I was able to talk to a mom of a mid-20-something boy who has a CD4 count of 10, let's call him wiggly#3. Who struck me the most was Alexis, more of him later. Rico, was a former OFW, he was confined at the same day I was and because of high grade fever. There was Marsha, a loud, flamboyant, and very funny gay guy who was already there for more than two months because of a fungi infection in his brain; because of HIV. Wiggly#3, Alexis, Marsha, and Rico were at the room opposite to the female ward, that's the male ward, with a brighter atmosphere and big windows with plenty of fresh air circulating. Marsha, is so loud that he screams when he is in pain or wants attention from everyone. I noticed him when he was yelling... "ANG SAKIT... ANG SAKEEET SAKEEET... NG ULO KO!'. All the nurses came running to his bed and I came to the door of their room to see what the commotion was about. He asked the nurses if there is are pain relievers he can drink to ease his headache, he said "Nurse, may gamot ba?" ...all the nurses said was "wala kaming kumot Marsha eh, wala nang extra". Marsha said, "Aanhin ko ang kumot, kelangan ko ng gamot! Jusko"! I walked back to my bed with a grin on my face. Night of day two, I asked my dad to go home. I am strong enough to take care of myself anyway, even if I have an IV inserted on my wrist. I don't need someone to watch over me at night. So he went home that night and I chatted with the other patients until bed time came.

Part 2 here