Saturday, May 29, 2010

AIDS Candlelighting 2010 - A mother's testimony

...the continuation

After a song number from one of nurses of H4 Pavilion who sang a very groovy and high version of Miracles by Maria and Whitney (or is it just Whitney, sorry I am not a fan of both). A mother was called to gave her testimony...

A mother of an HIV patient. She bravely stood in the front holding a blue notepad with her speech. She's already teary eyed on what she was about to say. I felt at that moment that this is something going to be really heavy. She has a son, who was diagnosed with HIV at the age of 21, that was back in 2001. It all started with a fever for 4 months, she said. They went to different hospitals and so many doctors, and found nothing. She was already scared at that time that her son's liver will not be able to take all the paracetamols he had been taking. Her son consumed up to5 paracetamols a day. Fever did not subside, until her son got weaker and weaker after each passing day. One day her son went up to her and said how thin he was, she's already very worried about her son's condition, they grew hopeless. They even went to the albularyo for a consultation, all the albularyo said was that her kid has a kidney problem. Eventually her son cannot get up anymore, and his fingernails were already turning blue. She was desperate for a cure , for a diagnosis, she doesn't know what to do anymore and doctors still cannot find anything. She prayed hard for God to lead her to the right doctor who can give answers to her son's condition, until one day she found them... A cardiologist, one specializing in pulmonary care, and internal medicine. All three agreed and talked to her and her son, that they need to have him tested for HIV. All agreed. After a few weeks, results came in, she brought her already very sick son to FEU-NRMF (FEU Medical Hospital in Fairview). Her son can barely stand up on his own. They got the sealed document and they prayed together before they opened it. Her son has HIV. Her son was then referred to San Lazaro hospital for treatment.

She can't tell anyone about her son's condition, because she fears to be judged by many. She was scared that people will judge her as a bad mother because of what happened to her son. She went on leave for many months to care for her sick son. She said that it pains her to separate her son's utensils from the rest of the family, but she had to, her son already acquired Tuberculosis. t pains her to see her son that sick, that thin, who can't walk on his own. She showed strength for her son, because she too has her own cross to bare. She weeps at night knowing that her son is in such a fragile state. She weeps that she cannot tell anyone, it was so hard for her to keep it all for herself. She weeps because she doesn't want to lose her son.

The mother said that no matter how much pain her son was going through, it was twice what she felt. She said that mothers always feel twice the pain their children feels.

Her speech ended leaving everyone in tears, including me. I suddenly missed my dad who is until now in the mountains of Sierra Madre, teaching the native Dumagat how to farm and spreading the word of God. I imagined how painful it must be for my dad, knowing I have this disease. I am his only son, I'm gay, I'm sick. It must have been devastating for my dad. Despite of all that I became and came upon me, he never showed weakness in front of me, specially the day that I told him I have HIV. he never cried (he was teary eyed). Me and my dad had never been close like this... We both know we are still getting to know each other, after my mom hid me away from him for 8 years. I was reunited with my dad when I was 13 and ready for school (I skipped grades 1 to 6), together with the money she was asking my dad for my needs, but I know she used some of the money for her own needs as well. When I was in highschool, I barely see my dad. When I was in college we see each other perhaps every few months. Now, my dad goes to my condo as often as he can, he calls me up almost everyday checking on how my day was, how was work, and if I am eating right. He texts more frequently too. He sometimes drives to my place just to bring food he cooked.

AIDS Candlelighting 2010 - H4 Pavilion, San Lazaro Hospital

Candlelight 2010

It was early in the morning, 8 AM. I was walking on a humid morning when I was nearing H4 Pavilion's entrance steps, I greeted one nurse in a bluish suit with a very warm smile, it was the first warm smile I ever showed anyone inH4. I then greeted one nurse who seems to already know me, I asked her where the mass will be. She said it will be in the doctor's lounge/office area. I then walked towards that area and everyone seemed to be very busy. Chairs were lined up and ready, it was comfortable, the temperature was. I scanned the people who were in there, NGOs, men and women in red shirts and the doctor's wearing the shirt for this year's Candlelighting. Patients were already starting to come in the small room and sit on the lined up plastic chairs. I can tell them that they were patients because of the obvious tags they were wearing. I found myself a seat. Two boys around my age sat beside me, the one next to me at my right was a patient, I am not sure if the guy next to him who escorted him to the seat was also a patient or if that guy was his lover. I looked around, there were a couple a soft spoken gay men in front of me, 4 of them, they seem to know each other very well. behind was a boy, I think he is in his early twenties or teenage years, or perhaps in his mid 20s, I am not just sure. My age determining skills weren't really useful if I am looking at someone whose skin is wrinkly and somewhat full of allergy like scars, he was so thin, sickly, and he looked very fragile. My heart broke when I saw him, he was with his mom. Avoiding myself from such sad emotions... I quickly gazed at the mass table in front. After a few minutes, the mass started. I was so quiet, I nodded and gave a small smile to anyone who looked at me. I did not even sang the church songs, I don't know any. I wasn't brought up in a way most people think.

After the mass, the program started. A doctor introduced herself, I forgot her name, she a a bit chubby with a round face and a friendly aura, then she called up the head doctor, whom I also forgot the name, she had a very strong look, overall. Short hair, strong facial features, in her mid 40s or perhaps late 40s. They both gave an introduction on what the program was all about. It was looking back, and remembering the people who died and fought and had a significant role in the fight for HIV/AIDS; for remembering those who gave us access the free ARVs and other necessary equipment we need for our medications.

A woman was called up, she's a mother of two. She has AIDS, she got it from her former husband who was a seaman. The husband knew he has AIDS when he needs to fulfill a requirement for a work abroad. He told his wife he has the virus when she was pregnant. The woman was of course, like many of us, devastated of the news. She got tested after she gave birth, she already has it. Eventually, the woman got sick, and was confined in the H4 Pavilion. That was years ago. The woman now looks very healthy, she said she always watches what she eats and she exerts efforts not to lose weight nor look sick, she said in a girlish manner that she has to be always pretty for everyone to see, then she wore a very big smile. Now she is a single mom, living a healthy life, her husband left for another woman. Now she takes ARVs and living great and taking care of her two kids, one is 3 year old, and the eldest is 10... Both HIV positive. She is still waiting for the right time when she will tell her kids what they are facing and will face. be continued

Fire in Quiricada street

To the fire

This shot was taken at around 8 AM. The fire was just starting to get big when I went out of San Lazaro hospital's Quiricada gate. The location of the fire was so near San Lazaro, it was just across the corner on the other side of the hospital grounds. This is my first time to capture something like this. I wanted to go near where the action was, but I thought that I might be so immersed in this scene that I might miss the mass for the AIDS Candlelight 2010 in H4 Pavilion. Good thing I brought my camera with me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

My CD4 count as of May 2010

I went to the H4 Pavilion of San Lazaro earlier this morning. I went there straight after work. So there, the sky was gloomy and it was not so hot nor humid at all. It was a nice day. I got there around 7:45 AM or so, and there were only a handful of patients, unlike last week.

*more details this weekend, I'm sleepy*

Anyway, my CD4 count is 586. Dra. A said that I have to avoid alcohol because the numbers on the something that indicates something about my something says that it's already on the ceiling. So I have to cut down on alcohol, really. Yes, too much "somethings" because I forgot what it was, or the particular lab result or even the name.

I will be back there next week to submit my chest X-ray and my Hepa B test results, just two more tests to submit. My next CD4 extraction will be January, but I have to go back there this November so they can schedule me for January 2011.

So far, all my lab tests say that I'm healthy and I have to keep it up, keep it that way. I might, just might, go back to the rowing team, or might try hybrid yaw-yan for a change. I asked Dra. A regarding the extreme sports that I was into, if it is okay for me to go back. She said, as long as there are no health risks and I am happy doing it, do it. I asked her about the dirtiness of Manila bay, she said "just don't swim in it and you'll be fine, swimming in Manila bay is a different story".

So there, I will be back into the sports I love, I used to climb walls too and swim a lot. I might even try new ones. Hmm... Hybrid yaw-yan? Rowing is a cheap sport and a very grueling one that definitely can keep one really fit and strong.

Oh by the way, I will be in H4 pavilion tomorrow morning. Dra. A asked me if I can join H4 pavilion's AIDS Candlelight Celebration. There is one in Remedios in the afternoon, but the hospital has one of their own. I told Dra. that I will come and join; so I'll see her tomorrow morning.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

H4 Pavilion, 2nd time

I am now ready to take a shower while Coldplay is playing on the background. I am excited, for tomorrow I will be visiting San Lazaro's H4 Pavilion where I am registered. I will know my CD4 count, I'm excited to know how I am really doing and I am excited to see fellow patients. Last time I was there, was last week, that was my first time. Most of them were cheerful, some are quietly-autistic... just like how I was. Well, I am really quiet when I am new to a place, that's my way of observing people, for sure I will adjust and start to open to them as the time goes by. As much as I wanted to talk to other patients, I don't know how to start, this is something new to me, very new.

Tomorrow I will start getting to know fellow patients or fellow pozzies as the internet and blogs put it. I will be there right after work and perhaps grab a breakfast and have a liter of water with me because it is just so hot.

I am excited, because I don't know when I will be back there, so maybe I can get a few contacts and start joining their "club". I need to hangout with fellow pozzies. I have a very tight and close support group, I have my friends and my dad. However, it sure does feel good to be with people like me.

On quitting smoking and starting anew

I have been trying for such a very long time now. I started smoking since I was in 2nd year highschool. I'm 27 now, yes, it has been that long since I started smoking. My cigarette consumption got worse last 2009 when I got severely depressed because of a relationship that never was and at that time, was already falling apart that eventually ended up in a very bad breakup. I was very depressed, severely depressed for the rest of the year, and the sky cried with me.

Because I have a perfect excuse to slowly kill myself, I can consume a pack of Marlboro Black a day, during my rest days I can stay awake and roam the streets of Metro Manila for as long as I can, on some days up to 36 hours straight without sleep and without going home, cigarettes and my iPod are my loyal companions. On some rest days I would stay awake in my condo, endlessly writing and imagining things or even talking to myself in my head, in silence... Smoking heavily, one stick after the other, until my condo has this haze of grayish smoke hovering above my head. I was on the edge of insanity. There are times that I will just cry heavily and continuously, triggered by a memory of a not so distant past or remembering a face a that I try to forget.

It was a very painful and tearful 2009 for me.

Now that I have this virus, I am completely forcing myself to quit smoking, because I don't want to die anytime soon. I know I am going to die sooner than most people, but that is what this battle is for, to stay alive as long as I can. Smoking kills, and I want to stop killing myself. This virus taught me to let go of the unnecessary luggage in my life... It taught me to let go of the things that I don't need, like false hopes and broken memories, like cold nights of the past and crying for something not worth my every breath and heart beat.

I am now happier. I have never been so happy in such a long time, and I say... In such a very, very long time. Yes, there are moments of melancholy, but unlike before where my world stops and darkness swallows me. This time, I am embracing life, I am holding happiness, simply because being sad or depressed, will just make my CD4 count low and might eventually kill me, soon.

Quitting smoking is one big step for me, like burning out the last stick I smoked. Just like how I compared this habit on someone that I figuratively killed inside me.

I can kill this habit, just like how I killed the memories.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Clinically Dead for 16 hours

Most of us has been clinically dead for several hours (figuratively speaking), specially the first few hours that we knew we are HIV positive.

This is one song that we can relate to... From diagnosis, confirmation or heartache, or perhaps... whatever.

Morning Swim

Finally, the music video of Morning Swim has come out! Ladies, this is Turbo Goth, one of the very few local bands that I really like and love to watch live. I am not sure if this song has been released and being played in either NU or Jam.

Sarah, you are just so gorgeous!

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

To everyone out there, please watch the video of one of my favorite bands, Underoath. The lyrics are truly inspiring and touching.

This goes out to all the sick(in all sense of the word) people out there, to the believers and non-believers, to the living and dying, to the lost and searching, to the positives and negatives, to all.

Read the lyrics.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mga pagbabago

Sa palapit na umaga
Ako'y nagiisa, hubad sa tabi ng aking kama.
Iniisip ang kalagayan ko ngayon
Na kay layo ng kung sinu ako noon.

Minsan nung ako ay bata pa.
Walang makain at nagtitinda pa
Sa maalikabok na daan ng isang bayan
Para lang may laman ang aming tiyan.

Cebu, isang isla sa gitna ng Pilipinas
Ako ay nakaranas ng sariling pagpipintas
Sa kalagayan na tila walang pag-asa
Ako ay nangarap, na matigil ang pagkasasa...

Sa kahirapang hindi ko maintindihan
Sa kabataan na sa akin ay pinagkait
O aking Ina, na walang kasalanan
Kundi umibig at siyang iniwan...

Ang aking amang walang kamalay-malay
Sa kung sinu mang nagpabulag sa kanyang puso
Na kahit ang sarili niyang anak
Sa lupa'y inilagpak.

Sana dumating ang panahon
Na ako ay makakaahon
Sa galit at poot, na ilang taon nang kumikirot.
Sa wasak na puso kong, puno ng dahilang baluktot.

Sa palapit na umaga
Ako'y nagiisa, hubad sa tabi ng aking kama.
Nagiisip at nagagalit, sa aking nawalang kabataan.
Iniisip kung magiging tama ba ang lahat?

Ngayon na papalapit na ako.
Sa katapusan ko sa mundong ito.
Maitatama pa ba ang lahat?
May liwanang pa ba sa dilim ng nakalipas?

Kay layo ko na nga sa kung sinu ako noon,
Mabait sa akin ang panahon.
Ngunit ang puso'y ko ay sadyang yakap pa,
ang madilim na kahapon na siyang dagdag...

Sa sakit na akap ko ngayon.
Sa sakit ng kaloob-looban kong
durog, na pinatigbay...
ng mga panahong dumaan, nabuhay at nahimlay.

WALANG NAGBAGO by The Eraserheads

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Neon Brights

by Taken by Cars

One of the few locally made videos that is surely worth watching. Great song, awesome video, good-looking guy. Taken by Cars is one of the many local bands that I really like, they're awesome at live performances!

Final Distance

by Utada Hikaru

Everyone has a final distance.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tha Crossroads by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

*TELL ME, WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO, WHEN JUDGMENT COMES FOR YOU? 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA COME FOR YOU.'s going to come for us. See you at the crossroads.

Bone, bone, bone, bone, bone, bone, bone, bone, bone
Tell me what ya gonna do
where there ain't no where to run
when judgment comes for you,
when judgment comes for you?
What ya gonna do
where there ain't no where to hide
when judgment comes for you,
Cause it's gonna come for you

let's all bring it in for Wally
Eazy sees Uncle Charlie,
Little Boo, God's got him,
and I'm gonna miss everybody,
I done roll with flows my game, looked at him while he lay
When playing with destiny, play too deep for me to say,
Lil Lazy came to me told me if he should decease
well then please bury me by my Gran Gran and when you can come follow

God bless you workin on a plan to heaven
follow the Lord all 24/7 days
God is who we praise even though the devils all up in my face.
He keepin me safe and in my place
say grace to the gates we race,
but I change the face of judge,
then I guess my soul won't budge, grudge,
because there's no mercy for thugs,
ohhhhhh what can I do, it's all about a family and how we roll
Can I get a witness not enough fool
We livin our lives to eternal our souls ay o ayo...

Heeeeeeeey, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray
Everyday, everyday everyday, everyday
And we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and still we lay,
still we lay, still we lay

Now follow me roll stroll whether it's hell or it's heaven
let's come take a visit of the people that's long gone they rest
Wally, Eazy, Terry, Boo
And still keepin up wit they family
Exactly how many days we got lastin while you laughin we passin'
passin' away
God rest our souls cause I know I might meet you up at the crossroads
Yall know ya forever got love from
Bone Thugs baby

Lil E-Z long gone,
really wish he could come home
But when it's time to die gotta go bye bye
all 'lil thug could do was cry, cry
Why'd they kill my dog?
Damn man I miss my Uncle Charles yall
he shouldn't be gone
in front of his home
what they did to Boo was wrong ohhhhhh (wrong, wrong)
was so wrong gotta hold on, gotta stay strong,
when the day come better believe Bone got a shoulder you can lean on,
lean on...

And we pray, and we pray and we pray and we pray.
Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday...
See you at the crossroads (crossroads, crossroads)
so you won't be lonely...
And I'm gonna miss everybody and I'm gonna miss everybody...

Livin' in a hateful world,
sending me (straight to heaven)
that's how we roll
And I ask the good lord why,
he sigh, he told me we live to die
Whats up wit dat murder yall?
See my little ousin was hung
Somebody really wrong anybody wanna touch that star?
And Ms. Sleazy set up easy to fall
You know while we sinnin
He intindin on endin it when it ends
He comin again and again and again
now tell me what ya gonna do.
Can somebody anybody tell me why hey...
Can somebody anybody tell me why,
he died,
we die,
I don't wanna die........

See you at the crossroads (crossroads, crossroads)
So you won't be lonely...

Everything by Lifehouse

Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose, You're everything

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in, take me deeper now

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A song from my childhood

This song fits perfectly for me and to all others who longs for the love of their father.

This is the ending theme song of one of the most famous anime in the 80s. Voltes V. It's also my favorite. Read along the lyrics in the video, you'll know why this song has such impact on me.

I finally told my dad.

Monday morning, before I leave to go to the referred of the Manila Health clinic where I will have my lab tests. I called my dad over the landline, saying I need to see him and I need to tell him something, he asked "what is it?', I told it's something he needs to know, and I told him that I am going to Manila to go to a lab to have some tests done, I also mentioned to him that I have been going to the hospital for about a month now... There I was already giving him hints that I am going through something. I told him that whatever it is that he will know, all I asked is for him to be open minded about it, forgive me and hopefully, don't go away ever again.

After I long day around Metro Manila (I dropped by a Mixed Martial arts gym after I went to the clinic). I was finally on my home when dad called up, saying they are having dinner and he will bring his wife (my stepmom), I immediately said "no" in a very loud voice, I said "it's something very sensitive", he said "okay".

I arrived in my condo at 8:00 PM, my dad arrived an hour after. He bought a bag full of bread, he said it was from his wife. I offered water, and he sat on my bamboo mat (I don't have any sofa). I presented him the lab tests and asked if he knows anything about what was written in them, he then explained to me what he knows about the numbers. After he explained and told me that I have to minimize eating meat because of my HDL and LDL, he was just quiet, there was silence for a about a minute or two or more. I looked him in the eye, and said... "dad I'm sick of an incurable disease". My dad's eyes suddenly turned "teary eyed" and red... At that point I think he already knew of what I was about to say. I then uttered the words "may HIV ako" (I have HIV). He then right away explained to me how it can be contracted, what will be the effects and that it will eventually become AIDS. I stopped him. I told him to stop educating me about it because I already know the facts and figures about the virus. He then said "where is your bible?". I hurriedly stood up, went to my small bookcase and grabbed my bible. He took it and opened it to some particular verse which I could no longer remember... (I tried to recall and find it). He made me read a couple of verses more. Then he held my hand, saying "I cannot condemn you, you are my son, my one and only son. Galing ka sa tadyang ko.... Nailayo ka na sa akin ng mahabang panahon, at ngayon na lang tayo nagkakakilanlan. Mahal kita, at hindi ko pababayaang ilayo ka sa akin ng sakit na 'yan". At that point, tears just fell from my eyes and I can't help but cry like a little child whose father has gone away and went home for the first time after so long. I then knew how much my dad loves me.

Dad said that with God, everything is possible, I must welcome God in my life and correct all that is wrong. He said that I must have a very strong spirituality and faith in God, everything starts there. he said to change my lifestyle, he did not mentioned any particulars, but he just said that lifestyle word. I remained quiet.

My dad's a pastor, so God is everything to him. We prayed together that night. He said he will anoint me. He has his oil with him, and he told me to put both of my hands on the opened bible, and he said "repeat after me"... The words I couldn't recall anymore. I knew that time, that I will be saying hello to Christianity and goodbye Catholicism. Then he told me to stop repeating after him. Then he prayed out loud.... The next few words touched my heart, it somehow melted all the hate it has and darkness that envelops it. My dad uttered in prayer "Lord, ito na ang pinakahihintay kong pagkakataon na isuko sa inyo ang aking mahal na anak". I myself, surrendered to God at that point.

After being anointed into Christianity, my dad said he will make a lot of Virgin Coconut Oil and will get wild honey for me. Virgin Coconut Oil is a good anti-everything, and wild honey has a lot of properties to boost up our bodies. He told to eat whole grain or whole wheat bread moderately as well as oats; because they have something to do with the uric acid stuff in our bodies. he told me a lot of herbal and diet stuff that I must do. He told me that after his long retreat to the mountains down south of Manila, we will start our Monday Bible day, which is June 7. I promised my dad that by that time, I have read at least half of the bible... So I have a lot of reading to do.

I love you dad. I'm really sorry this had to happen to me. Thank you for accepting what and who I am. Thank you for staying beside me in this battle to stay alive.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Hey Jay - Eraserheads

To all gay men who came out in the 90s or was having a very confusing time in that decade. This song is for us.

I like this song so much, because I had very few guy straight friends who stood by me on my days of depression, of longing for acceptance, and helped me accept who I am and be proud of it. Thank you to my Senior Scout batchmates, specially to Jomari, who gave me strength and held my hand when I was about to give up. This is a song about acceptance, support, brotherhood, and being gay.

Cutterpillow part 2. Reminiscing the 90s.

I am sitting here, on my bamboo mat, in front of my big and wide LCD TV. Alone in my hot condo in the middle of a Monday morning. The Cutterpillow CD playing as loud as it can on my CD player; reminiscing the 90s.... Where I was a kid and everything seemed to be easy and carefree. When I was in highschool, all I cared about was to pass my grades, how to come up with perfect excuses for my mom so I ca be with my barkada for a drinking session; how to stretch my daily allowance so I have money to buy songhits, and to play computers in the neighborhood computer shop. I cared a lot about the weather because if it's bad, I can't go to my classmate's place to have free lunch or free dinner.

Back in those days. My mom and I are still renting at a small place in San Mateo, Rizal. There were days were I have to peddle snacks, like puto just for us to have some money for food. It was a difficult time for us, well, it had been a difficult time for us since she left my dad.

The 90s was a great decade for music. It was also the decade of my self discovery. It was in the 90s where I was in puberty, where I began to have crushes on girls and explore my sexuality with my boy neighbors... boy stuff. I courted some girls, I courted a neighbor of mine, then when I started schooling I had a big crush on this girl, her initials were L.A. I met my dad for the first time after 8 years in the 90s, where my mom demanded that I was to be sent to a private school, my dad obliged. I had identity crisis in the 90s. I was a member of the Senior Scouts when I felt something different towards the same sex, the boys. I had a big crush on this math wiz boy from the star section who was my close friend in the Senior Scouts. Jomari, was dark, had a very toned body, smart, intelligent, witty, and caring. I asked myself why I was having such feelings towards this guy... until my heart started beating not just for him, but for other boys that I get close with that I find cute. I developed crushes to Dancer boy, Math wiz-addict-dancer-maniac, and of course.. Jomari. Those were from 1st year highschool to 2nd year.

After two years of confusion.. I finally admit to myself that I am gay and so I told my friends. Some were surprised and some didn't. They said, they already saw it in me. When I came out to my Senior Scout org, I was rained by criticism and hate. The Scouts from the higher years told me to quit because it was not a place for a kid like me. I brokedown, I never cried that hard for such a very long time. I was hurt, humiliated, discriminated. Jomari comforted me, embraced me as tightly as he can in front of the rest of the group of incoming juniors (us) and the rest of the incoming seniors. He whispered "don't quit, we love you as you are; me, your batchmates, we accept you as you are". Then he bravely said in front of everyone "he will not quit, this is not about being gay or straight, this is not about sexual preferences, this is about brotherhood, if you can't accept who he is, then you are the ones who better quit". He held my hand and said "It's going to be okay". 3rd year highschool, I came out to my friends as a gay man.


After having dinner with my Significant EX in Serendra, we went over to Powerbooks. We spent hours browsing stuff. I went ahead to the Manga/comics section of the store, after I tire myself in looking at the comic covers (which never fails to entertain me)... We went ahead to the top floor... My favorite spot, where audio CDs and photography books are. I browsed for long time for some audio CDs I might like, I spotted Eraserheads' Cutterpillow album and I quickly grabbed one. As I am holding the album in my left hand, I tediously browsed photography books almost one by one. I was amazed and inspired, too bad the books are all so expensive, for I only have a limited budget, I read and scanned as much as I can. There are so many books I want! I said to myself all of a sudden "someday I am going to publish my own coffee table book, with my photographs and poetry in it". I have achieved most of my dreams at this point of my life. Next are... To be able to publish my own book, have a photo exhibit of my own photographs, to be able to play the guitar very well, be able to sing at the front of a live crowd and they will cheer "more! more!"; to be able to travel across the country and capture it's beauty to be shown to the masses and to the world.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Happy birthday SEX!

Originally planned, I am supposed to go home on time because I need to meet my SEX later tonight. But no, I extended an hour at work and then it took me some time to catch a bus going home. It was 9 AM when I got in a bus going north. Makati to the far north is usually an hour and a half ride during early mornings. I told the conductor that I am getting off to SM Fairview instead. So I tried to sleep in the bus, I closed my eyes and listened to the radio using my mobile phone. I was able to sleep a bit. Everytime I opened my eyes, the warm sunlight hits my face, it felt nice. After an hour bus ride, I got to the mall, crossing the street towards the mall, as I walk under the warm sun, it did not feel hot at all, it really felt nice, the sky was not as blue as the midsummer days, but the warm sun really felt goo on my skin. I went straight to the barbershop and there was this guy obviously catching glimpses of me, he's not my type, too gay with pin striped pants, when he walked towards the door, he walked so effeminately, well he had a semi-kalbo haircut, but that did not masked his bottom reference and girlishly walk, I thought, probably he groans like a girl in bed. LOL! I was finally having my haircut... and my favorite part, the save. I almost slept during the process. I feel and look so clean and fresh and gave my favorite barber P50. On my way home, the sun is even hotter, but I did not mind it. The sun is just kissing me so gently.

I am excited to meet my guy later. It's his birthday today. I am already drowsy because it's way past my bedtime. Anyway, I have to go to sleep to meet my significant ex tonight for his birthday dinner.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

New Perspective

I would like to dedicate this song to someone who only cared for a good fuck. I will not change a single word to this song. THIS IS FOR YOU.

I wish I have selective amnesia.

How I wish I have selective amnesia. Just to forget someone significantly painful. It has been a year since I met him, it has been almost a year since I've said good-bye. It still hurts because I gave everything to him and yet at the end... all he said was "it was nothing". I gave him all I can, I can give him my breath just to keep him happy and to keep our love alive, but there was no love at all, he wasn't inlove, he did care, he did care for a hot fuck night!


Friday, May 14, 2010


I embrace the light
Let go of my darkest nights
Breathe, to live a fight

Of hearts and minds.

Sometimes, the heart is not always right. That's why we have our mind to use, to find out which is better to do and which will be less evil or so. Most people would say, do what your heart desires, but there are circumstances that lead to regrets and unhappiness if we follow our heart; it may lead to more hurt and pain. However if we use our mind and stray away from the desires of our heart, it may lead to the same consequences as stated earlier. So we need to find the balance, that is where we fall in place. We are in the middle of everything, we are like a weight balance, we have our heart on one end and our mind on another... Strongly following one would greatly imbalance our lives. We are in charge of our lives, our heart doesn't have a mind of it's own, it simply follow its beat and it judges based on what it feels. Our mind doesn't feel anything, it simply does what is logical to do.

We are in charge of our lives, we are the center of our universe. The balance is in our hands... There are no right or wrongs, there are only regrets and fulfillment, sadness and happiness.

Saguijo night!

Yehey! My Vacation leave on the 29th of May has been approved! So off to Saguijo ( I go! It's their 6th anniversary celebration so I don't want to miss the 2nd night. They have a great line up of bands, most of which are my favorites. Chicosci will be there, Taken By Cars, Encounters with yetti... All are favorites of mine. For sure it will be pretty crowded in that place so I am thinking if I am going to bring my camera or not. Bringing my camera will inhibit me from going into the clubs after the band gigs, which is pretty good for me so I will not spend a lot on that day. LOL. I would love to take photos of my favorite bands, I just need to arrive there early, and that means I have to take a sit inside and no smoking for me, because smoking is prohibited inside. Well, that will help in my continuing battle against smoking... Which I really have to either cut down really really low, or to finally stop. I get sick if I don't smoke for a couple of days, and I get sick if I smoke too much.

May 29th is Saguijo night for me! Oh boy... I miss that place so much!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Moving on, the Nth time.

I just watched 500 days of summer a few minutes back. The line "It's just wasn't me that you were right about", struck me. I met this photographer/webdesigner guy more than a year ago. Until now, I still find it so hard to move on from him, us, and our memories together, specially my memory of him. It pains me think that we were over. I was all over him. He was the center of world. He was the sun of my endless days. He was the center of my dark universe. Until he changed into someone I almost never knew existed... He changed from a warm, sweet person to a heartless and insensitive male bitch! I'll tell you guys more about that. The point of this entry is... That I just made a wrong decision about him. I thought he was the right one for me, he was, for a brief moment, then I found out I was wrong. However, I learned a lot from my experiences with him. My life with him was brief and painful, but it did open my eyes to the truths that I dare not see before. Like there can be such heartless people like him. That there are more to life than having a lover. That things do happen for a reason.. Do they? Yes. More stories to come. I need to sleep.

What was I doing?

Okay, I haven't written something for a long time. I don't want to talk about my disease if I don't feel like it. I want this blog to be about my life, my online journal, not just about me and this disease or condition or whatever term we may have for it. Well, anyway here it goes...

It has been weeks since I had my list of lab tests to undergo, but because of my laziness and the Monday holidays we have over here, I can't just simply do it. My rest days are Sundays and Mondays, so I have just one day to do all the medical and whatever stuff I need to do, that is on a Monday. But there, laziness kicked in. Eventually (that was Thursday, May 6th) I went to the clinic near San Lazaro.. I dragged myself going to that place. I just feel that I have to or else, my doctor will just scold me. Whom I haven't met yet, that's the medical doctor. Anyway, I went to that public clinic where I am suppose to get all my lab tests,. Wow, such long lines at such an early part of day. I saw an officemate of mine, he's gay. I was surprised, what was he doing there? I smiled. Then there was this one guy who looked okay and skinny and so gay wearing gay sunglasses, an almost lady Gaga type of sun glasses, he looked at me as he hold his list of lab tests... and wow, we came from the same doctor. meaning, he must be positive for HIV too! He sat beside me and I studied the writings on his paper, that list came from the same doctor that I was. So definitely, I mean... I am sure 80% that he's like me. Anyway, I got bored so I texted my friend Pam that the lines were so long at the clinic, She then said she'll come over. She did after half an hour. We went to this Chinese place named Waiying, that serves such authentic Chinese dishes that are so delicious, then we went to our teammate's place just near the restaurant. Dette, was shocked that we are there. We stayed for a couple of hours raving and ranting about stuff, Dette's mom happily served us halo-halo at near noon, which was just in time 'coz it was already so hot. I went home tired, stuffed, and sleepy.