Wednesday, May 26, 2010

On quitting smoking and starting anew

I have been trying for such a very long time now. I started smoking since I was in 2nd year highschool. I'm 27 now, yes, it has been that long since I started smoking. My cigarette consumption got worse last 2009 when I got severely depressed because of a relationship that never was and at that time, was already falling apart that eventually ended up in a very bad breakup. I was very depressed, severely depressed for the rest of the year, and the sky cried with me.

Because I have a perfect excuse to slowly kill myself, I can consume a pack of Marlboro Black a day, during my rest days I can stay awake and roam the streets of Metro Manila for as long as I can, on some days up to 36 hours straight without sleep and without going home, cigarettes and my iPod are my loyal companions. On some rest days I would stay awake in my condo, endlessly writing and imagining things or even talking to myself in my head, in silence... Smoking heavily, one stick after the other, until my condo has this haze of grayish smoke hovering above my head. I was on the edge of insanity. There are times that I will just cry heavily and continuously, triggered by a memory of a not so distant past or remembering a face a that I try to forget.

It was a very painful and tearful 2009 for me.

Now that I have this virus, I am completely forcing myself to quit smoking, because I don't want to die anytime soon. I know I am going to die sooner than most people, but that is what this battle is for, to stay alive as long as I can. Smoking kills, and I want to stop killing myself. This virus taught me to let go of the unnecessary luggage in my life... It taught me to let go of the things that I don't need, like false hopes and broken memories, like cold nights of the past and crying for something not worth my every breath and heart beat.

I am now happier. I have never been so happy in such a long time, and I say... In such a very, very long time. Yes, there are moments of melancholy, but unlike before where my world stops and darkness swallows me. This time, I am embracing life, I am holding happiness, simply because being sad or depressed, will just make my CD4 count low and might eventually kill me, soon.

Quitting smoking is one big step for me, like burning out the last stick I smoked. Just like how I compared this habit on someone that I figuratively killed inside me.

I can kill this habit, just like how I killed the memories.


  1. that's a a very good move, though I have to say, us pozzies won't die anytime soon compared to the neggies, see, we just need to monitor our immune system, once it went out of the normal range, we can start medications to keep it healthy and out of the AIDS status... HIV isnt curable, true... BUT it's very TREATABLE. us pozzies can live longer now thanks to the medications... so don't worry much.. but you do need to start living a healthy lifestyle to double the chances of living longer, :)

  2. Thank you Poz23, true, so true. Us positives are supposed to be the most healthiest human beings on this planet, because of our need to keep ourselves fit to stay alive.

    Yes, I will start living healthy. No to smoking!

  3. This is a very bad habit I couldn't really kick. But thanks for the entry. I've started with minimizing alcohol. I gotta start from somewhere.

    You guys take acre of yourselves :) Stay Strong Canonista.

  4. it's good to know you've quit smoking. i am glad i did before i was diagnosed as positive for HIV. when i stopped smoking, i just quit on the spot. and i have been nicotine-free for nine months now. :)

  5. oi ikaw, when i see you downstairs and you're smoking.. lagot ka sakin! dont ever eat sa sinabi ko ha?

  6. Tsk tsk. Buti pa kay katukayo na-depress ka.. hehe. peace ^^

  7. @Greenxuanxa: Thank yo for the inspiring words. I will stay strong. Keeping away from our old vices takes a lot fo will power from us. If we really want to and just focus on what we want to do or achieve, we will be able to finally do what needs to be done.

    @Juan del al Cruz: CONGRATULATIONS! It's all in the mind!

    @Thechemistryguy: Slap me real hard if you see me smoking!

    @Fred: CAN YOU JUST STOP, that?