Monday, May 17, 2010

Cutterpillow part 2. Reminiscing the 90s.

I am sitting here, on my bamboo mat, in front of my big and wide LCD TV. Alone in my hot condo in the middle of a Monday morning. The Cutterpillow CD playing as loud as it can on my CD player; reminiscing the 90s.... Where I was a kid and everything seemed to be easy and carefree. When I was in highschool, all I cared about was to pass my grades, how to come up with perfect excuses for my mom so I ca be with my barkada for a drinking session; how to stretch my daily allowance so I have money to buy songhits, and to play computers in the neighborhood computer shop. I cared a lot about the weather because if it's bad, I can't go to my classmate's place to have free lunch or free dinner.

Back in those days. My mom and I are still renting at a small place in San Mateo, Rizal. There were days were I have to peddle snacks, like puto just for us to have some money for food. It was a difficult time for us, well, it had been a difficult time for us since she left my dad.

The 90s was a great decade for music. It was also the decade of my self discovery. It was in the 90s where I was in puberty, where I began to have crushes on girls and explore my sexuality with my boy neighbors... boy stuff. I courted some girls, I courted a neighbor of mine, then when I started schooling I had a big crush on this girl, her initials were L.A. I met my dad for the first time after 8 years in the 90s, where my mom demanded that I was to be sent to a private school, my dad obliged. I had identity crisis in the 90s. I was a member of the Senior Scouts when I felt something different towards the same sex, the boys. I had a big crush on this math wiz boy from the star section who was my close friend in the Senior Scouts. Jomari, was dark, had a very toned body, smart, intelligent, witty, and caring. I asked myself why I was having such feelings towards this guy... until my heart started beating not just for him, but for other boys that I get close with that I find cute. I developed crushes to Dancer boy, Math wiz-addict-dancer-maniac, and of course.. Jomari. Those were from 1st year highschool to 2nd year.

After two years of confusion.. I finally admit to myself that I am gay and so I told my friends. Some were surprised and some didn't. They said, they already saw it in me. When I came out to my Senior Scout org, I was rained by criticism and hate. The Scouts from the higher years told me to quit because it was not a place for a kid like me. I brokedown, I never cried that hard for such a very long time. I was hurt, humiliated, discriminated. Jomari comforted me, embraced me as tightly as he can in front of the rest of the group of incoming juniors (us) and the rest of the incoming seniors. He whispered "don't quit, we love you as you are; me, your batchmates, we accept you as you are". Then he bravely said in front of everyone "he will not quit, this is not about being gay or straight, this is not about sexual preferences, this is about brotherhood, if you can't accept who he is, then you are the ones who better quit". He held my hand and said "It's going to be okay". 3rd year highschool, I came out to my friends as a gay man.

No comments:

Post a Comment