Growing old alone

*NOTE: This is something I wrote years ago (with a different title) and was posted in my Friendster blog back in 2005. I said this a year ago "I wanted to edit it a bit and post it in a new hip and popular medium, with a new title." I posted this essay in Facebook. Now I post it here in this blog, with questions... When I was young and was wondering why there are such many old gay men who are alone, I then wrote this. After 5 years of writing this essay, it sure feels different when I am now the subject of questioning of my own writing.


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The oldies, referring to the kind of men at the peak of their maturity age. As I took a trip to a distant past of their life. I wondered... What did they do wrong? What went wrong? Why many of the mid-30s to 40 something gay guys are still single? Many more gay guys are wrinkly, old and single. It scared me. Makes me value what I have…. More! I may not have it all. We may not have it all, and we really don’t have it all. But many of us already have someone at our side, in our life, being taken cared of, and having someone to take care of as well. Any same sex relationship that lasts more than a year is considered a long time to many, past that, over the two year period, it may be a milestone already. 5 years? …Are you two soul mates? 10 years… a rare few make it that far. Maybe or almost a lifetime? Boy! You two are each other’s life.

Many gay men don’t make it to that two year mark. 5 years to some; but they eventually break up a few years more. Some make it 10 years, even more that, but they still break up. What is it about gay relationships? Aren’t we all content? Are gay men cannot be contented easily? Are we distracted too easily? Or we just don’t care to what other people say and feel of what our actions will be? We all have priorities in life. But isn’t our dear love ones’ feelings must also be our priority?

Why? What went wrong? I can only think of a few possible answers. Affairs, the “0ther man" may be the culprit. Discontentment. Yes, man is naturally discontented or cannot be contented. Itching is another! …The seven year itch makes it way evaporating the love into thin air. Is there any cure to this? Many of those questions are only answerable when we get to that point in our life. But can the cycle of pain be stopped? Just look at our grandparents. yes they are not gay, but they do love each other, I am so awed and overwhelmed when I get to see old couples still very sweet and caring to each other after all these years! I think one thing that made their relationship strong is courtship. Most gay men don’t know that word. All they do is look at each other, when a there’s a spark then they do it, a spark after a little action, then they become lovers; well, that is mostly how it happens to many couples I know. Some gay couples met "wholesomely". But all in all there is no long term courtship that is happening. I may sound old fashioned here, but look at how many successful and happy grandparents we have! Yes, I agree in separation, if there is really no chance for both parties to be happy together why not separate? But why not be together too? There is a remedy if we wanted to. Bottom-line courtship is a long and slow getting-to-know stage that will rid of future pain and heartaches if ever we might discover something incredibly annoying, unacceptable and unchangeable about our life-partner to be; or the one we are courting. It also proves ones sincerity and persistence.

Can gay men be as loyal? Or maybe not? Given the fact that men are sexual creatures by default, plus they become gay… here comes the ultra man! A Fully charged up creature that is more than a man! He’s gay! Thus, taking control of himself and his cravings are even more challenging, and that leads to another question. Discipline. Which is another topic.

So, as gay men nears the age of 30, mid 30s, he should be thinking of looking for a partner. Waiting for love I think is for the lazy people, a taxi won’t stop if you don’t wave it to stop, a car won’t go if you don’t drive it. So is love. Love will never find you if you won’t look for it. Waiting for love is just like waiting for a banana to drop in your long opened mouth. If you’re already 40++ and still single, boy. Asses yourself. You may have something serious going on in your emotional system. Or maybe worse, something maybe wrong with your head. Or if you think nothing is really wrong with you and you always end up with bad boys with everything bad in them, well, keep your hopes up! A good guy will come your way.

So what did really happen? Why many gay men end up old and single? I cannot say that they’re happy in their lives. Nor I cannot even say if they're miserable in their lives. Who am I to say stuff? Many men are hypocrites!

So am I.

“We can’t have anything we want, but we can have everything we need.”


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*POST NOTE: I wrote this essay when I was 22, I am now 27. A lot have changed, and I have gone through a lot. I can really say that my perspectives have changed dramatically since 5 years ago. Still, that question still remains unanswered, why do we remain alone? Why am I still alone?

Individual standards in partner selection changes through time as we gain experience, get hurt, evolve, and make choices to be happier. I am now questioning what I wrote 5 years go, I now realized that after such challenges, ones point of views about life changes. Like what happened to me. I was then a boy, happy, judgmental on how things work or what must we do to improve our lives. Now that I am the topic of my own lashings when I was younger, it feels different. It feels different now that I am one of those men who are nearing the age of 30, and still alone.

Yes, I know we have friends and family, but nothing is more special than the love of that one special person in our lives that we know who constantly cares and thinks of us. Whom we share our life and our soul as well as ourselves. Loneliness is already biting me, living alone for almost three years, I learned to stand on my own and be happy on my own. Still, nothing beats the gratification that I share all these blessing I have with someone very special. I learned to be strong on my own and to be emotionally independent from other people, whether it be my friends or my family. I learned to be on my own, literally and figuratively speaking.

I do not want to find the answers anymore. I have to live with it, like how I am living now with the virus.

Then again, I have God with me, always with me. So I am never, alone.