Monday, August 2, 2010

Of open wounds and a dying body

After finishing the drama series 1 Liter of Tears. I thought, what the heck... I really couldn't relate myself that much to what I just watched. It was about someone with an incurable disease, but it's much worse than what I have now. I was not able to relate and I found myself somewhat lost in the middle of watching it. It was about being with a very supportive family. It was mainly about love and family. The main character was surrounded by her big family, her mom was there to always watch over her, her dad who was there to protect here, her siblings who are guides and who are also watching her.

As the series progresses, I somehow put myself into the character's shoes. Did I had a family? Was I ever taken cared of as a child? I realized, I never felt that I had a family. Growing up without a dad, with my mom whom I hated so much, a stepdad that I wished would be dead (he is now), a half brother that I denied for so long. All of those things came in mind as I watched the ending series. I never had a family or at least I never felt I had one.

I have wanted so much and for so long to have a family. I grew up believing and feeling that everything was kept from me, my freedom, my future, my dad. I hated my mom for everything she did to me, to my childhood, and for ruining our family. I know she wanted to keep me as her son, and she believed that she can raise me alone. I thought otherwise. I dreamt of someday being free and on my own. That, I am living now.

I left my old life behind, lived in solitude and in the comfort of loneliness. Some came along, but I guess, we have to be broken in order for us to understand things even more and see what needed to be seen within ourselves, and realize what needed to be fixed for us to move along this web of life.

I already have scars and still have open wounds. Forgiveness looms somewhere in my cold heart, 'till that day comes and as the water of hate runs dry. I hold on to my broken past to fuel my passion to walk forward. I know it's wrong but it is the only way for me not to repeat the darkness of what was. I do pray to God that he give me the strength to find forgiveness in my cold and dark heart.

As you all know as well as most people close to me already know. I am living with an incurable disease. I don't know how many more years I still have before I reach the final stages of HIV. Most people know it takes 10 years before this becomes full blown and becomes AIDS, but it will also depend on the overall health of the person. I have been in terrible pain this past few days. I have to have all of my impacted tooth removed before my CD4 cells go down further, I already started to feel pain in my stomach and I have UTI. I already have been taking antibiotics and a lot of pain relievers. I will go to the dentist soon, perhaps tomorrow. I need to take care of myself more and more each day. Sometimes I forget that I am sick, I forget that I am unlike most people with healthy immune systems, I often forget that it is not okay for me to catch a cold or cough or get soaked in rain or get tired or not have enough sleep... They are not okay for me anymore. I often forget that my immune system is slowly shutting down. One day, a simple cold will kill me. So as early as now, I must do whatever I can not to get sick while I still have enough antibodies to heal myself of any infections. I must do everything I can to become healthier. The fight to stay alive has barely began, so I must prepare.

There are still a lot I want to do, there are still wounds I have to heal, and everytime I play one of my favorite songs and as it reaches the peak of its message and chorus, I never forget to say... God, I am not ready to come home.


  1. I couldn't help but feel the need to get near you as close as I could (and I will).

    I haven't yet thanked you appropriately for having once asked me to always try to conjure a smile, learn to hope for good things and benefit from letting go of the things that tears us asunder (I have tried so hard and I keep on trying).

    I need you to always remember this: You are loved, more than you ever know.

    Please, please always take care.

  2. Nako you have to read E's blog. That guy, despite living with HIV still lives life as if everything is a party!

    They say, spirituality boosts the immune system. There's no harm in trying.

  3. @Jon: Thank you. Getting in touch is enough to thank me. I know how you feel and I know how down you were, I needed to somehow touch you with light and let you breath it. Thank you for being there.

    @Mugen: I've read E's blog. He even still goes to bath houses, yes, he still parties! I have graduated to that life for a long time. No more parties for me, I have outgrown such. Spirituality, yes, I have always spiritual, specially now, that I need God most. Thank you Mugen, for always watching over me.,, My satellite.

  4. Soliciting unsolicited advice is my hobby but years taught me to refrain,.. at the end of the day I'll be more concern about my own journey than yours or anybody else.

    Meaning I'll just be a mere spectator of many people's lives (thru blogs).. I hope the admission won't offend you.

    But then I hope there'll be moments you'll find reason to smile everyday.

  5. Ngayon ko lang natuklasan ang blog mo... Naiyak ako dito sa post mo... I'm currently reading the rest of your entries...

  6. Hi there Pal.(Miss you and hope to see you soon) Just hang on there okay.Remember, it does matter HOW we reach the end. And I have a strong feeling are names are not yet listed on HIS waiting list. NOT YET...I wanna reach my 60's. And I know I will. Hope you are looking forward to. : )