Thursday, April 7, 2011

To my brother...

I never talked about you to anyone. I never was proud of you. I never wanted you in the first place. Everything was full of hate. I was full of hate, all I've given you was hate and pain. As you grew up and as I become older, I was not any bit wiser.

I hated you for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't your fault that our lives were in the dumps, that we grew up not knowing where our next meal would come from. It's not the son's fault that his Father was a sinner (after all, we all are). It's not your fault that we had to suffer from your Father's carelessness or lack of care and responsibility in the first place.

You were born when I was 7. I had to take care of you while mom was out looking for a job, or when she finally had one, I had to stay home and look after you. As you grow older and we continue to move from town to town, city to city, looking for cheaper houses to rent; I had to juggle being your older brother and earning from the streets. It was hard, the long walks, the hot sun, the shameless yelling and peddling, carrying that basket of good from across town. It wasn't easy being the eldest, and you know what? It wasn't easy to hear you cry because you don't have any milk. It broke my heart yet I can't do anything, kuya was not able to sell enough goods to buy you milk. Whenever you had asthma attacks, it was never easy to see mom burst into tears not knowing where to get the money to buy your expensive medicines. It was never easy for me thinking that you would suffer and die just because we didn't have any money. If kuya have been older that time, I might have crawled my self into prostitution, but no, I wasn't. I was only a kid and I didn't know what to do.

Your father died when you were only a baby. Mom was devastated, but I was happy. It was one of the happiest moments of my childhood life. We did survive without him, and was happier, at least I was.

You grew up like any ordinary baby to a toddler, to a young kid. Until I noticed you can't speak well. Mom never knew regarding my thoughts about the matter, but I was worried that you were sick. As you grew up, the manifestations of your mental shortcomings began to show. Not long, you were diagnosed with MID (Mild Intellectual Disability). Mom purged all her money to your checkups and schooling. While I... In silence and in my head...  Wanted you to be as normal as you can be. 

You gained medals in school that your kuya never had in his academic life. I am proud of you for taking care of mom as I went away at age 18. 'though you did ran away when you were younger and was lost for three years, you were miraculously brought back knocking to our tiny apartment's door one day.

How I wish you can read well, so you can read this letter of mine. Telling you how sorry I am for not being a good brother to you. I am proud of you, bro. You and mom will never go hungry again, neither of us will. We will lead better lives and you will be a better boy. Kuya will always be here, as I learn to let go the of the hate I had and learn to love you more.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused.

Andito na ang kuya.

19 comments:

  1. this touched me and brought me close to tears. how is his MID now?

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  2. said :[ but so very sweet of you :]

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  3. naiyak naman ako dito. i am also the eldest, nakarelate ako sobra. hugs!

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  4. Without words, love finds its way. Don't worry. your good deeds will outshine the bad ones.

    Cheers.

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  5. @DSM: He can dial phone numbers now, but has difficulty reading and speaking. He actually beat me in an Xbox car racing game, and he always get perfect scores. He's improving. :-)

    @Bulakbulero: Thanks.

    @Xian: Time to let go of the bitterness.

    @Posithive: (hugs)

    @Mugen: Cheers!

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  6. sobrang nakakaiyak. *hugs*

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  7. you made me cry.

    reminds me of my brother

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  8. I hate to hate you, and I hate you for being that good... =(

    naahh... you're so sweet =D

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  9. i know how hard it is to take care of younger siblings, tapos meron pa siyang mild MR. sobrang sacrifice yan, you're not a bad kuya. and besides its your duty to help our younger sibling since you are the eldest. kaya mo yan, karma is fair. maybe someday, siya naman ang mag aalaga sayo diba? :)

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  10. you're a good older brother! always be there for him and your mom. :)

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  11. :) nakakarefresh. wala ako masabi. wagas. the best :)

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  12. this is such a very touching story.

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  13. And I am literally shedding tears...way to go Kuya!

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  14. i happen to be the eldest too. nakakainis lang talaga pag wala ka magawa sa mga ganitong situation :/

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  15. You have some of the most inspiring and heartfelt stories I've ever read here! Very interesting. =) Sana I can meet you one day and be more of a friend than E-cquaintance, mukhang madami akong matututunan sa yo. =) Hehe. Ingat.

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  16. @Everyone: Thank you guys! Thank you so much.

    @Vince: Thank you. Perhaps one day we'll meet. :-) You'll never know, I may be that rough looking guy you may come across the street, smoking a stick of Marlboro Black with a camera in his hand.

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  17. Your life is one inspiring story told in series. Parang MMK lang, palagi akong pinaiiyak sa bawat episode..

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