It was a wet morning when I arrived at my flat. My boyfriend laying in bed, I walked near the work desk and I took my clothes off. The flat was dark, as I wanted it to be, I walked naked to my lover in bed. I kissed his cheeks softly... He suddenly woke up and gave me a smile. He then reached for my cellphone that was in my right hand and started to check the messages and calls. That is one thing that really annoyed me.
It has been a while since me and P are together. It was fast, very fast, and there has been nasty things that I don't like about him. Let's just say he became so possessive and I feel like I was under surveillance at all times. I was not comfortable and why such a need to inspect all the messages in my cellphone and question all conversations that happened? He check my e-mails and my Facebook stuff. It was not nice.
We had an argument, because all that I could say was "enough". The inspections are enough, the questions are enough, I had enough of all the mistrust, questions and all the drama here and there. I cannot take it anymore. I want my privacy back, I don't want anyone meddling with my conversations with my friends or my email correspondents. The big deal here is, my privacy. It doesn't mean that when we are in a relationship, we or them has all the right to just inspect all of the stuff in our conversations. We still need to value individual privacy even if we are in a relationship.
I felt I lost my identity, I needed myself back. I almost broke up with him. But I saw the saddest brown eyes... I held back my words. I just told him he needed to go home, we went to sleep.
P, already stopped dreaming, all he wanted was to have a stable relationship and wait for the day he dies. That's all. It's not that I want him to be like me. But I want someone who has the same level of passion in life that I have. I am a sun and he is just a mere breath of light, I would have swallowed him into nothingness with my emanating heat. He is already close to lifeless, he needed someone to be with just for him to be alive. I wanted him to be alive on his own. So the moment we woke up in the afternoon, I told that he needed to go home. It is better for us to be apart, for him to have his own life and for mine to come back. We have to live apart with our own lives. Again, those brown, sad, little eyes started to weep tears of sadness.
It was very difficult for me to send him home. He just have to, we just have to... Part ways. He as all I ever wanted, he accepted me as me and whatever I have. I can be who I truly am, bare naked in front of his eyes. He makes me laugh at times, but he just needed to have a life of his own. He packed his things and he walked towards the door with me.
We were in the cab, quietly sitting. I was on my way to work as he is headed back to his family's home. He tightly held my hand as he whispered "I love you", I looked away to the window. I can't dare to say those words. I wanted everything to end. A few minutes passed, I got off at the corner of EDSA and Quezon avenue. I walked to the train station not looking at the sad face behind me, inside the cab.
A day passed by and he never fails to text reminders of what to do, that I must eat this and that, etc. I barely responded to any of his messages. Two days went by, I saw him in front of our office building, waiting for me. He said he misses me and he has realized some things. He said he started to dream, of me, of us, and of the future. I smiled, and I thought it's a good start for him to be dreaming again. He also said that he learned his lessons and will not be nosy anymore. I don't hide things from him, I just don't want to daily submit reports of my daily conversations of me and the rest of the world. He said he will value privacy now and will start dreaming and stat to have a new life... with me.
I smiled and welcomed him back with open arms. Up to this day he has not meddled with my emails, Facebook and cellphones yet, not that I know of. Anyway, he did start to dream. He is now making efforts and searching to what can be a road to what can make his dreams come true. He may not dream of his own happiness, but he is dreaming and I am here to help him make those dreams a reality.
At least now he is starting to look at the same direction as I am. I am holding on and I am happier.