Let my love fly across the sky
On my chest, let your tired spirit lie
Lay down my sweetie, I'll embrace you with care
As I smell and kiss your long brown hair
Remember me whenever you're down
'though we're far apart, away I'll kiss your frown
I'll take your hand, and we'll smile and sway
Into the californian sun, we'll burn the sorrow away
Anne
Marlboro lights,
and sleepless nights
Jazz music and melancholy
...while enjoying a Starbucks coffee
Tears of breaking down,
falling on your shirt.
Hands clasp tightly,
on your mini skirt.
P
Is it what you saw the other day?
That made the blues go your way?
Hush my baby, don't frown...
I may not be your chubby clown
Because I rarely smile myself
But I can surely kiss your blues away
Like a teddy bear on our bed you sway
Let's get some sleep, don't cry nor weep.
Tomorrow will be another day
Sunshine and smiles, coming your way.
Smile my love, my baby,
and hug the teddy.
I received a text message a few minutes before midnight last night... "Call me". It was from my long lost bestfriend, Anne.
Anne was a girl friend of mine I met from the previous company I worked with, met her 5 years ago. We instantly bonded like two dolls stuck together by mighty bond. She was a very strong, bitchy, pretty, and a snobbish woman. I don't know what she found in me, but she treated me more affectionately more than her boyfriend (past and present). When Angel and I broke up, she was the one who sort of adopted me. I lived with her and her boyfriend and another friend of ours in a small house in this little "celebrity" filled village in Quezon city. The four us lived together for almost a year, all of us were officemates. Anne, literally became my elder sister, my mother, my yaya, my boss, my mentor, my friend. There came a point where I was so depressed that I cannot eat anything, I became anorexic and rumors spread in the office that I was taking drugs. One day I woke up in the living room (I sleep in Anne's living room) with the noise of plastic bags being folded and the noise of cooking in the kitchen. It was Anne, cooking breakfast. She told me that I had to eat or she will evict me from her house... "Kakain ka o hindi ka na uuwi dito?". Of course, I have to eat. One great thing about her is that she loves to cook and she cooks really good. I can say that she can compete if there's a cooking competition. Starting that day, I always wake up with food already prepared at the table and I already have packed lunches. She always make sure that I have something to eat. If she was not able to prepare anything, she always make sure that I will have food at my station. She always follow my schedule too. So we always go to work together and go home together. We spend more time together than her and her boyfriend. I gained 10 pounds after a few weeks. I'm very close to her family, her family welcomed me with open arms and treated me like one of them. I miss them a lot.
I remember one unforgettable day years ago. There was a party at Anne's boyfriend's house. There were bottles of Tequila scattered on one table and tequila shots were everywhere. The next day, I was sleeping in one corner of the in-house gym, cozily tucked with a blanket on one giant bean bag wearing only thin basketball shorts of Anne's boyfriend. When I got up, as usual, breakfast was already waiting for me in the main dining room and there she was preparing coffee for me, freshly brewed of course. I asked her what happened and she told me I passed out. I asked for my clothes and she told me the maid was still washing them because she has to take them off me. She dragged me in the shower the night before. She said I was full of vomit and was crawling on the floor, I was so filthy drunk. So she has to strip me naked and bathe me clean, then dress me up for bed, with only the basketball shorts on. I couldn't remember anything that she said, but the basketball shorts were very comfy, thinking it was from her hunky and well muscled boyfriend.
Anyway, I called her up right away when she told me to. It was some bad news. A friend of hers whom I met I few years ago was already terminally ill and confined in San Lazaro. He has HIV and already have a CD4 count of 1, he already has AIDS, and the doctors only gave him two weeks more to live. "Tomorrow there will be lawyers" she said, to take care of the documents and properties he will leave behind. She told me that she couldn't bare look at him for a long time because the guy was so heartbreakingly fragile and thin, he could no longer walk nor talk. The guy has been living with HIV for 5 years and he is only 27, same age as I am now. She told me that she doesn't want to see me like that and made me promise that I will stop smoking, drinking, and made me swore that I will take good care of my health. She told me that it will be very hard for her to see me like that. I tried so hard to keep my tears from falling, because I was in the production floor. I told I will take good care of myself, and she will not visit me one day in the hospital looking so ill. The state of her friend scared me a lot. I don't want to be like that one day. That conversation meant a lot to me, because we haven't spoken to each other for more than a year due to some certain arguments and misunderstandings. She told me how much she misses me and how much she loves me. Tears fell at that point.
After I had pneumonia last week, I started to get scared. I am scared that I might catch it again. I'm scared that I might be catching more diseases on my daily commute to work or at the office. I'm scared that the next time I get sick, my body will not be able to withstand it anymore. Catching pneumonia is one sign that my CD4 count is already getting low. I'm scared so scared.
My next CD4 extraction will be this December. I hope the numbers are still good.
Of all the bitterness of the blog people last week, I know it is kinda too late to post something like this. But what the heck, I will post it anyway. This is for all of you out there who are pissed, angry, bitter, or mad... At the world or at anyone. Don't be shy or scared to say it... Just say it if you are mad at the world... Just say it you're frustrated about your life... Just say it if you're broken hearted... Just say it... FUCK... YOU! Say it one more time... Fuck you! I hope you guys feel better.
Boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, commando? Boxer briefs or boxers, for me are my chosen all day wearable when at home, boxers for going out, briefs for working out. I used to go commando when I had those ultra soft jeans and when I had that hot "V-cut" waist; but rarely these days... I go commando on some days when going to the mall wearing only slippers, gym shorts and a t-shirt (I live just 5 minutes away from a mall up north).
This is what was stated in my medical certificate. I asked the doctor, "Ay, nagkapulmunya pala ako? Akala ko ubo't sipon lang?". The doctor laughed and said "hindi ka kasi nakikinig, nag eexplain ako eh tango kalang ng tango na parang tulala". Fine, I was absent minded during the time she was explaining to me what happened.
I haven't been smoking since I got sick. I'm back to work, and still, no smoking. I am eating less too, I have of get rid of all these fats. I am thinking if I am going to buy masks, the ones that were trendy during the SARS outbreak. I am definitely going to buy cans of Lysol to clean my station. Nobody should use my station at work except me.
I have mentioned him several times in this blog. Also, there are disclaimers to any man who becomes an intimate and special part of my life, to long time dates or BF (past or present); that they must, never, ever, get jealous of and never say bad things about, and never, ever, compare themselves to... The man I am about to blog.
It was August, year 2000. I was a young teenager still blooming out of innocence. I was a poor boy, living with my mom and my mentally challenged half-brother in the poor and rural area of Rizal. I was only able to go out to gimmicks because of my extravagant friend, Charlie. I was the usual "tambay" and "palaboy", because I often went to any of my friend's house to eat dinner, I usually walked to their houses, because I never had any money. Minsan, ako na nga ang nakikain, ako pa ang mangungutang ng pamasahe pauwi... Gimmicks, I never had a single centavo whenever we went out, I was the usual freeloader. Back then, I was as pale as snow, due to lack of sunlight because I never go out until past sunset, I was also out of school. I dropped out of college after my education fund ran out. I was thin, with high cheekbones and a prominent jaw line, my thin built complimented my rather bony facial structure, and I was short. One night, my friends Charlie, Rose, Jay, and I; went to Malate, one weekend. The four of us decided to go straight to Basilica, it was at its height of its popularity. My friends and I sat near the front of the stage. A few hours later and after a couple of bottles of beer, I saw this yuppie looking guy at the far right of our table. He was wearing a tight fitting long sleeved shirt, dark grey trousers, and sporting a hairdo that was well gelled like someone was invited in a prom-night, it was combed, sleek, and black. I was staring at him at some time, eventually our eyes met, he smiled, I smiled back. As they say, the rest was history.
When I was younger, I would go to where my mom used to work, in Makati. Whenever the bus would pass by Shangri-la or The Manila Peninsula, I often wondered what were happening inside those glass windows and high walls. How was it to be inside, how do their lobbies look like? How I wished that someday I will be able explore the interiors of those hotels and satisfy my curiosity of what was going on inside the buildings of where the rich stay and dine. Then one day, Angel brought me in Island Cafe (now Circles) in Shangri-La Makati, it was our first official date. I was such a very naive boy, it was my first time to enter a hotel and was my first time to eat at such a posh restaurant. I asked him discreetly on what to do everytime a dish was served, what utensil to use, or how to properly drink and hold the glasses. Remarkably, he found me funny and amusing; and taught me all I needed to know. Eventually, Nielsen's (now gone) of Manila Peninsula, Inagiku of Shangri-La Makati, Heat of Shangri-La EDSA, and Paseo Uno of The Mandarin Oriental became my favorites.
January 2001, a few months after my 18th birthday, he invited me to live with him, because he saw the impoverished condition of where I was at that time, and he never liked my mom. Living with him was a major turning point in my life. He then sent me to college, I had a car with an occasional driver, he gave me clothes, I had a "yaya", I had things that most gay men would kill for (he gave me a Cartier Trinity ring on our 3rd anniversary... ), and definitely I never went hungry, never again did I. He gave me all the things that most men would only dream of, and more. I eventually acquired a taste for fine food as well as for finer things in life, because of him.
Despite of all the material wealth I already had at that time, I was an angry and disturbed kid, a closet rebel because I never understood what he wanted to happen to me. He was very strict, and wanted his way of things, always. It is either his way or the highway, unless he asks me. He usually scolds me like a little kid not knowing what to do. We never really fought each other, because I always stayed quiet and I never answered back whenever we had bouts of anger or when he gets mad at me about something. I felt like I was being restrained and I felt like my freedom was taken away from me.
When I finally started working, I bought him a cellphone from my first pay, then I bought him a digital camera, eventually, I also paid for all the groceries and for the dog food. It was my turn to spend for the household or at least contribute.
We were never really different, he was a nobody when he was my age. Just like me, he peddled different items and food on the streets at such a young age, for the whole day just to have enough money for the family's dinner. He was an out of school youth, then he worked his way through college. He wanted to get out of poverty, he wanted to have a good life, he dreamt and became ambitious. He crawled out of poverty, and with his success is his family. Now he has everything that he can ever desire; a good family, a quiet life, and living comfortably. All because of his passion to have a good life, all because of ambition, all because of determination, and his faith in God. He always said that he saw his childhood in me. He knew how it was to be poor, because he was once too. He wanted to save me, and give me a better life.
He and I broke up several times. However, we ended up together again after a week or two or even after half a year. I really don't know or even remember how we patched things up. What I do remember was how my friends would fetch me from his town house with all the bags I have. That's why I can really relate to J.Lo's video "All I Have", because that was how I almost look like (without the minis and LVs of course, I only had Gaps, Samsonites and Girbauds) back then, walking on the wet streets of Marikina on a drizzly weather while crying, whenever we break up.
(press play, before reading on)
He and I had our last and final break-up back in 2007. I will never forget what he told me before I left the Master's bedroom and gave him one last embrace... He said to me while a river of tears flowed from his sad little eyes "I can now let you go, because you are now the man I've always wanted you to be".
I literally grew up with him. He had been more of a father to me, than a lover, more of a guide, than a companion. During one of our dinners as friends, he told me that our relationship as lovers was only a consolation during our 6 year relationship, because he had been more of a father to me, which was true. Only when we broke up and after a few more years of me being independent did I realized all the things he said and did. I realized that those were actually bits of reality, slapped onto my face so I'd learn. Only then I realized that he was right after all these years, that all he did was to shelter me from harm, guide me and to shape me to be a better man. Despite of us being only friends now, I am very happy. Simply because I gained more... We are much closer now and tighter.
This post is dedicated to The Angel, who was once a poor boy who made it to the top, and found a poor boy, and helped pave his way to the top. He, who changed my life forever, for the better. He has been my guide in life, who took care of me more than my parents can ever do, or anyone. He gave me unconditional love, and he handed me the world on a silver platter. He showed me how it was to be a kid, he was the one who brought back my childhood while becoming a man. We had 6 good years together, despite of the 17 year gap. Christmas is once again just around the corner, it is his favorite time of the year.
Thank you, Angel, I never would have reached this point in life without you. You taught me how to compromise; and you never believe in forever. You gave me the world with plenty of unconditional love, and enough wisdom to stand on my own, I'm happy we're still a family.
My fever started on Wednesday, but it was a bit mild. Thursday, I couldn't almost get up, but I still went to work. Friday, I filed for a leave, as well as Saturday, Sunday and Mondays are my rest days. Then I went to San Lazaro today...
It has been a while since I have been to the hospital. I should have gone there last week during the first day of my fever, but because I really need to go to work I ended up going to San Lazaro Hospital earlier today. I thought that paracetamol tablets and medicines like Neozep, Sinutab, Bioflu, Biogesic, Tuseran, would still work on me, which I only discovered yesterday, they have no effect on me at all.
I don't have fever anymore since this morning, which is good. However, my cough got worse, and I still cannot breathe through my nose. My chest pains are more painful because of the pressure my lungs have to exert to expel the phlegm. My throat is already irritated, dry, and a bit painful because of all the coughing. All my doctor prescribed was a drug named Ciprobay or its generic name, Ciprofloxacin. The medicines are free by the way, plus they gave me a whole month's supply of vitamin C. She said that if my condition doesn't improve in the next few days, I have to go back to San Lazaro and have a follow-up checkup. Checkup or not, I have to go back to the hospital because my boss wants me to submit a fit to work order before I can go back to work. Checking my work emails, I saw that she already put me on sick leave for the entire week, which is just right because I am on medication for 7 days.
I think I am becoming partially deaf because of all the medicines that I have taken. I cannot hear nor comprehend anyone's verbal communication right away and I cannot taste anything, at all.
Anyway, I haven't been smoking since last week, I do hope that I can continue not to, moving forward. I really have to be extra careful with my health, now that ordinary medicines doesn't do any good on me anymore. Plus it is already becoming such a pain and a burden everytime I get sick with even just a simple cold.
I might be away from blogging for a few days. This is the second time I got sick within a quarter and the third day of my fever. I was still able to go to work for the 2 days I was sick with the help of paracetamol tablets. I have to go to work because my other teammate was sick as well. Now I am at home on sick leave, still has fever. If this does not go away soon, perhaps tomorrow or on Monday, I will go to the hospital.
My sides are hurting, my lower left chest in particular, near the diaphragm; I have been sneezing and coughing too. My fever is intermittent...
Agent: Boss pede ba advise cust to call us back?
TL: Bakit?
Agent: Boss ngo ngo e, d ko maintindihan...
TL: Bakit?! Narereset ba pagka ngongo niya kung tatawag ulit?!
From the time I first heard them on the radio, until this very day. I still adore and I am still a fan of the band that influenced many, and stirred the hearts and minds of many young Filipinos during the 90s, The Eraserheads.
Back in those days, I had cassette tapes from Electromagneticpop to Circus, until Cutterpillow. I remember when the song Ang Huling El Bimbo came out, everyone in our neighborhood was playing the same song the whole day until our parents get sick listening to it. Everyone had a tape of the band and everyone was playing their songs. Mula sa bahay namin hanggang sa kabilang kanto o hanggang sa isang kanto, Eheads lang ang naririnig kong pinapatugtog.
A friend tagged me in Facebook with a note "My life according to Madonna", so I posted my own and tagged him back. This is my entry...
*****
RULES:
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name/ artist name)."
Tag your music loving friends!
Are you a male or female? Huwag Mo Nang Itanong
Describe yourself. Slo Mo
How do you feel? Fine Time
Describe where you currently live. Kamasupra
If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Alapaap
Your favorite form of transportation? Waiting for the Bus
Your best friend is... Pare Ko
Your fear... Poorman's Grave
What is the best advice you have to give? Huwag kang Matakot
Rica (not her real name), is a good old friend I met from the company I used to work for. He is a very jolly guy, tall, nice built, nice brown skin, and almost the same age as I am. We are not that close 'though, but we have a lot of common friends. When I was still in that company, we have a little loud group named the _ _ _ _ _ _ gays. We barely go out together because I was assigned another company site somewhere in the Northern part of the metropolis. The group however, kept in touch through the ever popular office chatroom created by me, who is corporately blessed with such admin access to that IM application.
After I left the company I grew up with, Rica and I kept in touch through YM and through our old friends. We even saw eachother accidentally in Puerto Galera last summer of 2009.
I heard the news that he was ill last week and was already in the ICU. The _ _ _ _ _ _ gays went for an immediate fieldtrip to Rica's hometown in the far north to visit him, it was just the other day; Rica passed away that evening.
To Rica, we may not have been that close as friends, but somehow we shared the laughters of what we call the small sisterhood of gay-men in our old office. Wherever you are, I pray for your soul and for your eternal peace. You have been a wonderful colleague, and an instant can of laughter whenever we need one.
This post is dedicated to Soltero, simply because, you're a maniac in one very particular thing. LOL! (peace)
Some of you might have already watched this, but I just find this skit very funny and amusing, although some Pinoys in the states get offended by this one.
Happy 3rd Month, P! Wow, umabot ako ng 3 months. Well, well, well.
Wala akong halos ginawa sa opisina kanina kung hindi kumain ng kumain. Pag-uwi ko ay binilhan ko si P ng Mango Creme Roll sa Red Ribbon na may kandilang number 3 at dalawang Hamdesal mula sa Mcdo, pasalubong.
Akala ko ay nasa opisina pa si P, aba, pag-uwi ko sa condo, ayun, Hindi pala pumasok at malakas daw kasi ang ulan at walang dumadaang tricycle o taxi sa may amin. Ayun nga, nagluto pala ng spaghetti. Kaya kumpleto ang umagahan/hapunan naming dalawa, may spaghetti na, may cake pa.
Pakagising kahapon ng hapon, eh manok na ang gustong kainin ni P. Sige fine, treat ko siya kasi kakasuweldo ko lang. Sabi ko mall tayo, gusto niya kasi classic na fried chicken, fine... "Mag Max tayo" sabi ko. Eh napansin ko na kulang na kami sa oras at malapit na akong ma-late, so naligo na ako, nagbihis, at lumarga na kaming dalawa papunta sa Fairview. Pagkatapos kong magwithdraw eh sa Mcdo na raw kami kumain, pero tatawid pa kami, kaya napunta kami sa JOllibee. Ang bagal ng service, ang taas ng AHT! Eh sabi n P... "Miss yung big size ah",hindi yata nagets ng miss na hindi maganda, kaya sabi ko "yung malaking manok daw", sabi ng miss "ah large", hindi yung hindi maliit". Nakakainis e. Eh walang lutong malaking manok, kaya naghintay pa kami ni P ng ilang minuto. Pagkatapos naming kumain eh hinintay niya akong makasakay ng bus at iniabot ko sa kanya ang dala kong payong dahil umaambon at kinuha ko sa kanya ang jacket... na muntikan pa kaming mag-away sa gitna ng daan dahil lang dun. Anyway, nakasakay na ako ng bus papuntang opisina, late na naman ako, 2 minutes lang naman.
May nakatabing pagkain na sa akin sa office, handa ng mga ka-teammates ko na nagbirthday, may fried chicken, beef with mushroom, morcon, cup cakes, banoffee cake, coke, lumiang shanghai. Pagkatapos ng 2 oras na pagttrabaho eh nagpaalam ako sa kasam ko sa shift na magbreak, pero sa totoo eh maglulunch na ako. Naka 3 rice ako. Oo sige, ang takaw ko na.... Diet e.
Ilang oras pa ang dumaan, mga apat yata. My libreng pagkain naman para sa lahat ng nakashift sa amin, fried chicken para sa lahat. Maya-maya, may dumating na mascot, chicken. Isang dambuhalang manok na naglalakad at naka smile.
Alas-singko ng umaga, pagpunta ko sa kabilang dulo ng "room" namin para mag-ayos ng gamit at magpahinga ng konti pagkatapos maglogout, may nakita akong isang lalagyan ng pagkain, wow, ang daming laman, chicken pa rin. Kinuha ko at inayos, inuwi ko na at pasalubong kay P. May 2 stubs pa ako ng libreng pagkain, sige kukunin ko na ang chicken.
May uwi ako na tatlong balot ng chicken sa condo para kay P. Kulang na lang eh tumilaok ako sa dami ng kinain kong manok ngayong araw na ito.
