Breaking point

It was Wednesday, April 21, 2010. I woke up at 6AM to go to the Health Clinic in front of San Lazaro for my lab test. I was hungry, I haven't eaten since midnight. Because of my turtlish pace, I got out of my condo at past 7AM, I had a feeling I will be late. San Lazaro Hospital is an hour and a half ride from my condo.

I arrived at the train station going to Manila at 8 AM, I was horribly late. My phone suddenly rang... It was Dave (not his real name of course), my bestfriend's boyfriend. He said "hi" and I asked if he already knew, he said yes, after a few minutes of catching up he then gave the phone to my best friend Anne (not her real name), she suddenly said in a loud voice "I'll slap you once I see you!", it felt so good to hear her voice. I haven't talked to her for months.

After a good 30 minutes on the phone with Anne, I checked the time and it was already 8:30 AM. I am already late. I got in the next train. I arrived at the clinic a few minutes before 9 AM. The clinic is a typical public health clinic, not really that clean and full of old furniture. There was an old shirtless man behind the reception desk, I ask him politely if he entertains people for the lab test and if he accepts payments. All he said was I was late, overfast, and I have to return the next day. I was disappointed because I was so hungry that morning. After a quick breakfast in a nearby Jollibee, I headed to Makati to pay for my condo loan. I was already hot headed, on a hot weather.

After a few hours of waiting in long lines. I finally got out of the Housing Loan stuff. I then went to the mall to check out some stuff. I felt so alone that day. I usually go to the mall alone, watch movies alone, buy groceries alone. do my shopping alone, because I live alone. But there was a feeling of disgust, loneliness, desperation and uneasiness on that day... I never felt so alone. I called up my friend if he can meet up with me for a quick lunch before he goes to work. He gladly said yes.

After 30 minutes, I met my friend in Taft avenue, an old, popular avenue in Manila. Then he asked what's up with the lonely face, I wasn't able to stop my emotions from flowing out... I told him I'm HIV positive. He was surprised, but he took it in a regular kind of way. We went malling afterwards then I was on my way to go home.

In the train ride going home, I was texting my ex-date who was on that day just got his HIV test result. He tested negative, I was happy for him. Wednesday was our supposed movie day together but he said he can't because he got work to do. He works at home so I said it would be fine if I can just lounge at his place and I will make sure not to bother him. He said he can't and he will see me on Sunday. I felt so desperate that day. I just don't want to go home. I just don't want to be alone. I wanted him at my side. Tears started falling down my face as I stand inside the jampacked train. I was screaming inside my head saying... "I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!". No one can hear my cry and nobody understands me. I never felt so desperate to be with someone, I never felt so desperate to be held. I wanted to jump off the running train. I wanted to be with my grandma, I wanted to be with her so bad... my grandma died more than a decade ago.

I was explaining to my HIV-negative-ex-date how much I wanted to be with him on this all fucked up day of mine. He just said repeatedly "not today". I wanted to cry and I wanted to die. He said he was worried, but he doesn't want to see me, "I'm busy, not today" he said.

Then I got a phone call from another ex-date, saying he was just thinking about me and he asked how I was doing. He knows I have HIV and he just wanted to check on me, he was on his way to work that day. I felt relieved that someone very unexpected remembered me. I then decided to get off at Cubao station and visit my friend John.