I have been in the online dating scene for quite a long time, and I am very happy to admit that I have met very few good men. Because of my "non-commercial" taste in men and my aloofness in meeting strangers online, meet-ups were all worth my time. I can also say that in many years that I have been online, I only met quite a handful, they were carefully filtered, and I can still count them in one hand.
I have two profiles in Planetromeo.com, 1 have a normal one, that has my face pics and states how normal I am, and another one that says I have HIV and has a body pic with 6 pack abs, of course that was my real photo. The HIV profile was created a week ago and have received an overwhelmingly high number of views, the sad part is, almost nobody sent me a message. If there was any it was of pity, or questions like... "Why are you here?" "Why do you have HIV?" "Are you really sick?" "Why are you still in this site and spreading the virus?"
Some questions are really just annoying. Of course, because of my willingness to educate, I answered some, with detailed explanations. I have experienced stigmas. I have a great body pic and showed significant signs of intelligence in my profile statements, I got a lot of views, but as I said, only questions were mostly sent. I feel that they were afraid of me, I felt like an outcast of society, online at least. I felt nobody wanted me because I have HIV.
There were two guys, hot guys, who offered sex despite of me being HIV positive. They were hot, horny and not afraid of the virus. They know all about it and the needed precautions, which I admired. I refused the offer, I did not hesitate to tell them that sex is the least of my priorities. I always have great respect for my body, now that I have a new lease on life; that respect is greater than ever.
To the normal profile, same shit goes, the usual "hellos", the usual conversations, the usual cycle. It is just so tiring to find myself in great conversation with someone whose words are just like gravity to me. After a while, we text, then we talk on the phone; which is the last thing in my "pre-meet-up" process. I may sound shallow, but sometimes it all ends there. One phone call is all it takes for me to judge if the person I have been exchanging messages with online is someone I might like as a whole. Come on, I may say that I am looking for new friends, but my primary goal on why I am there in that website is to somehow get hooked up with someone that can be a possible boyfriend. So, if I don't like the way he sounds over the phone or if we don't have anything to talk about at all, that's it! Then the cycle begins once more. I send someone a message or someone sends me message and there it goes again... Blah, blah, blah, blah...
It's tiring.
I realized that if I want to meet new people, it will be in the more "socially-present" way. Where I can see them, they can see me, and there are actual eye contacts as well as actual verbal exchanges. Sure, I closed a big door of opportunities of meeting someone significant with tens of thousands of gay men online, but if the cycle of "his" and "hellos" continues, I might be a zombie someday. I don't want to be a slave to the monotony of the online dating scene, I don't want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I value eye to eye contact, that way, there are instances of proper observation, communication, attraction, gravitation. Unlike online, there are these abrupt feelings and thoughts that I often undergo and let go... "I like you"-> "I am thinking of you"->"I really like you"->"I think it's time for us to meet"->"I got turned off because you were wearing pointed leather shoes and has Lady Gaga shades and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore, because you love to listen to pop music and I like rock, because you love chick flicks and I don't, because you love shopping and I don't, because you adore Lady Gaga so much you are as Gaga as her and I just want to shoot you down with a Bullet with Butterfly Wings". Although I haven't met anyone like that, yet, through online dating. I can tell, through the conversations and seemingly endless discussions and phone calls and of course... Facebook! It feels like an emotional car crash. Undergoing that cycle several times in a year is fucking sick! So sick it makes me puke and go all berserk! I'm just so tired of it.
So without any second thoughts, I deleted the two profiles, with them are my angst in this crazy game of meet-ups, hang-ups, and break-ups!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
One night passion with Mr. Drinker
Last week of May... It was Sunday, early evening, I just woke up and got several missed calls and text messages from my friend Ruth, she wants us to have dinner. I immediately texted "what"? She replied "Japanese", I replied "where", she sad "_____" (the name of the restaurant that I can't remember anymore), I said "time", she said "in an hour", I said "See you".
While I was preparing for our dinner date, I logged in to PR, checked my Facebook and a few emails from work. Then a message came in my PR, I clicked on the notification and there was already an attached photo. He looks nice, although I can no longer remember what the message was, I intentionally deleted his message in my PR inbox as later on you will know why.
Conversations started, a few messages were exchanged, until he asked for my address and directions on how to go to my condo. I said "sorry, but I am ging out for dinner with a friend, let us text instead". We exchanged numbers. We were texting almost non-stop as I was on my way to the Japanese restaurant somewhere in Tomas Morato.
A few hours later, I was going home, I did not text him that I was about to go home. He did text a few minutes when I rode the cab. He asked where I was and I said "On my way home, want to have a few bottles at my place?" and he replied "what's the quickest way to your place, let's have wine".
We did not have wine, we had beer and vodka instead. He arrived at the gates of my condo with a laptop bag and a bottle of Vodka, I bought a few bottles of beer from the nearby store, and we started to drink.
I knew so little about him while we were exchanging messages online and texting, I did not even ask where he lives or what he does for a living. Personal backgrounds and life stories unfold as the morning draws near. It was amazing on how much we have in common, and I felt gravity between us. I was astonished when he said he's a professional photographer aside from other jobs he does that includes creativity and art. He has a passion for tattoos, same as me, and he showed me his. I was surprised on how much we have in common when it comes to music, he listens to almost every music genre I listen to. It was such a wonderful night conversing with him. We finished the beer and he opened the bottle of vodka that I left in the chiller. We are dumbfounded on how to open it. I then handed him a knife and we opened it together, he accidentally popped out a glass ball from the bottle's small opening and he quickly put it in his mouth like candy. I stared at him in wonder.
We drank more and more as we listen and compared our music collections in our Macs. I have an old Mac Mini, he has an old Macbook. He has a Canon DSLR, so am I.
There was this unforgetable track he played from his Macbook's music collection, it made me shiver and I had goosebumps all over. It was a song from Zoeey Deschannel,the actress in the movie 500 Days of Summer, she was a singer and has a band before she became an actress. The title of the song was Take it back. We listened to it with so much attention and I was awestruck with Zooey's voice, I smiled at him and thanked him for letting me hear such sweet and beautiful music. He noticed my goosebumps and touched them with such wonder and warmth.
I switched to playing tunes from my iPod that was connected to my mini component, I played Lisa Ono. Things started to heat up between us, fires of passions started to burn as we sweat heavily. Suddenly, while we were at it, tears suddenly dropped from my eyes... I told him to stop; party pooper huh?! I said to myself that he has to know something if we are going to do it.
I did, tell him... About my secret.
We stopped and he said... "You're still normal". He asked when did I knew about it and how I was. He said, that there's nothing wrong with me and I can still dream and live life. We sat on the bed, he moved to the black, solid wood headboard of my bed and he took me in such a warm embrace, saying that I have to continue dreaming and fulfill each one. I have years to live and I have to become alive, I said "I already know that". He smiled, we kissed. He said that we have to continue dreaming to live, what is there to live for if we stop dreaming and just be contented with a monotonous life, we might as well die if that will be the case. He made me smile and his words fueled the fire of hope within me.
We got up from the bed and went back on the floor to drink more, as well as for more of "that". The night continued with such passion and careful movements. Of course, we have to be very careful, I don't want anyone to get sick because of me. It was a long, sweat laden, hot night. We slept on the floor at the break of dawn.
We woke up kissing each other gently. I can smell his alcohol breath and feel his warm sweaty skin.
He said he is dating someone, but he is not committed. Before we parted ways, we kissed in his car and bid each other with sweet smiles on our faces. We barely text each other now.
Whatever his intentions was at the first place, it was worth being with him. Whether it was just a one night fuck or whatever, everything was worth it. He made me feel alive, most importantly... Normal. We shared a moment of our lives within a few hours and I learned a lot from him. It has been a long time that I have met someone with such passion in life as he is.
Like tattoos in his body and mine, he left me with his perspectives marked on my soul.
The video below, is a video of a song he left playing in my head... As he disappears into the metropolis of wherever.
While I was preparing for our dinner date, I logged in to PR, checked my Facebook and a few emails from work. Then a message came in my PR, I clicked on the notification and there was already an attached photo. He looks nice, although I can no longer remember what the message was, I intentionally deleted his message in my PR inbox as later on you will know why.
Conversations started, a few messages were exchanged, until he asked for my address and directions on how to go to my condo. I said "sorry, but I am ging out for dinner with a friend, let us text instead". We exchanged numbers. We were texting almost non-stop as I was on my way to the Japanese restaurant somewhere in Tomas Morato.
A few hours later, I was going home, I did not text him that I was about to go home. He did text a few minutes when I rode the cab. He asked where I was and I said "On my way home, want to have a few bottles at my place?" and he replied "what's the quickest way to your place, let's have wine".
We did not have wine, we had beer and vodka instead. He arrived at the gates of my condo with a laptop bag and a bottle of Vodka, I bought a few bottles of beer from the nearby store, and we started to drink.
I knew so little about him while we were exchanging messages online and texting, I did not even ask where he lives or what he does for a living. Personal backgrounds and life stories unfold as the morning draws near. It was amazing on how much we have in common, and I felt gravity between us. I was astonished when he said he's a professional photographer aside from other jobs he does that includes creativity and art. He has a passion for tattoos, same as me, and he showed me his. I was surprised on how much we have in common when it comes to music, he listens to almost every music genre I listen to. It was such a wonderful night conversing with him. We finished the beer and he opened the bottle of vodka that I left in the chiller. We are dumbfounded on how to open it. I then handed him a knife and we opened it together, he accidentally popped out a glass ball from the bottle's small opening and he quickly put it in his mouth like candy. I stared at him in wonder.
We drank more and more as we listen and compared our music collections in our Macs. I have an old Mac Mini, he has an old Macbook. He has a Canon DSLR, so am I.
There was this unforgetable track he played from his Macbook's music collection, it made me shiver and I had goosebumps all over. It was a song from Zoeey Deschannel,the actress in the movie 500 Days of Summer, she was a singer and has a band before she became an actress. The title of the song was Take it back. We listened to it with so much attention and I was awestruck with Zooey's voice, I smiled at him and thanked him for letting me hear such sweet and beautiful music. He noticed my goosebumps and touched them with such wonder and warmth.
I switched to playing tunes from my iPod that was connected to my mini component, I played Lisa Ono. Things started to heat up between us, fires of passions started to burn as we sweat heavily. Suddenly, while we were at it, tears suddenly dropped from my eyes... I told him to stop; party pooper huh?! I said to myself that he has to know something if we are going to do it.
I did, tell him... About my secret.
We stopped and he said... "You're still normal". He asked when did I knew about it and how I was. He said, that there's nothing wrong with me and I can still dream and live life. We sat on the bed, he moved to the black, solid wood headboard of my bed and he took me in such a warm embrace, saying that I have to continue dreaming and fulfill each one. I have years to live and I have to become alive, I said "I already know that". He smiled, we kissed. He said that we have to continue dreaming to live, what is there to live for if we stop dreaming and just be contented with a monotonous life, we might as well die if that will be the case. He made me smile and his words fueled the fire of hope within me.
We got up from the bed and went back on the floor to drink more, as well as for more of "that". The night continued with such passion and careful movements. Of course, we have to be very careful, I don't want anyone to get sick because of me. It was a long, sweat laden, hot night. We slept on the floor at the break of dawn.
We woke up kissing each other gently. I can smell his alcohol breath and feel his warm sweaty skin.
He said he is dating someone, but he is not committed. Before we parted ways, we kissed in his car and bid each other with sweet smiles on our faces. We barely text each other now.
Whatever his intentions was at the first place, it was worth being with him. Whether it was just a one night fuck or whatever, everything was worth it. He made me feel alive, most importantly... Normal. We shared a moment of our lives within a few hours and I learned a lot from him. It has been a long time that I have met someone with such passion in life as he is.
Like tattoos in his body and mine, he left me with his perspectives marked on my soul.
The video below, is a video of a song he left playing in my head... As he disappears into the metropolis of wherever.
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