Friday, December 31, 2010

Looking back at the year that was, 2010

As I look back at the outgoing year, I can say it was pretty decent. I mean, I had a lot of plans set up, I had so many action plans made... None were accomplished due to certain reasons and pity excuses, but still, I survived this year and it's good, I am still thankful for all the blessings I got and the things and people I have in my life.

I got diagnosed with HIV this year, and it was definitely an eye opener. Learning that I will someday struggle each day to live with caution beyond the ability of a normal human being was overwhelming. The idea grew on me, and I got used to it. Now, sometimes I forget that I have a condition, that is careless 'though. Learning I am living with HIV opened new doors for me. As some doors open, others closed. I did close my door to one person I greatly regret meeting and I only written once about him, I made poetry for him, one last poem for one last good-bye.

2010, was a struggle for me, financially. I never got depressed so much about money until this year. Thinking about the budget and learning new ways to stretch it from payday to payday is such an ordain that I don't want to experience anymore. Money is so important for me at this age, because I grew up having too little of it.

I met P this year, and he is just the sweetest man I have. He is the tickle of my sad soul.

My dad and I grew closer more than ever, since he knew about my condition. We really don't know each other that much, and for him to make up for the lost time is such a rush, because he knows that I will not be here longer than he expects. My mom, well, we grew closer too, in a good way, she changed in a good way too. I have not written about her in my blog, because we had issues. Hopefully the issues are flushed out from our system after our holiday shopping this season.

This year I started to finally blog continuously, hits were quite nice and I enjoyed writing about my life and my wanderings. I gained friends, and talked to a handful of interesting personalities, I also learned a lot from reading other people's blogs. A lot inspired me too! It is such a delight to view life from another person's perspective, somehow, you get to know that person and how his life is, I have my favorites. To everyone, I thank you for reading my blog and being there when I got sick, depressed, or having an "episodal" attack, or during the times that I am happy; as well as during times of just flat posts. I really appreciate everything, and I am thankful for all your support and for following the story of my life through blogosphere. I will continue to blog, I will continue to share my story and the stories that I have and will be learning along my journey. I might have been on hiatus from blogging this holiday season, but I am back, this is one of my few passions, and the flame will continue burning.

Happy new year, everyone!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My favorite lines...

Soundtrack is great, mod interiors and some mod wear all throughout the movie, it's everywhere; as well as drugs, heroine to be exact. Inspite of all "F" words and drugs blatantly expressed in the movie, this is not just a movie about drugs and drug addicts. This is a movie about life.

Here are my favorite(specially 2, 8, 9 and 10) lines from my one of my favorite movies, Trainspotting.


Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines,
cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance.
Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter
home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fuckingfabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sundaymorning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing,
spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into yourmouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all,
pishing your last in a miserable home,
nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-upbrats you have spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And thereasons? There are no reasons.
Who needs reasons when you've got Heroin?


1,000 years from now there will be no guys and no girls, just wankers. Sounds great to me.


Relinquishing junk. Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography. One mattress. One bucket for urine, one for feces and one for vomitus. One television and one bottle of Valium, which I've already procured from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way also a drug addict. And now I'm ready. All I need is one final hit to soothe the pain while the Valium takes effect.


People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid.


It seems, however, I really am the luckiest guy in the world. Several years of addiction right in the middle of an epidemic, surrounded by the living dead. But not me. I'm negative. It's official. And once the pain goes away, that's when the real battle starts. Depression, boredom... You feel so fucking low, you want to fucking top yourself.


We took morphine, diamorphine, cyclizine, codeine, temazepam, nitrazepam, phenobarbitone, sodium amytal, dextropropo xyphene, methadone, nalbuphine, pethidine, pentazocine, buprenorphine, dextromoramide, chlormethiazole. The streets are a wash with drugs you can have for unhappiness and pain, and we took them all. Fuck it, we would of injected vitamin C if only they'd made it illegal.


Better than sex, Rents. Better than sex. The ultimate hit. I'm a fucking adult, I can find out for me self. Well I'm finding out all right.


You see if you ask me we're heterosexual by default, not by decision. It's just a question of who you fancy. It's all about aesthetics and it's fuck all to do with morality.



It beats any meat injection. That beats any fucking cock in the world.


The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Outer Space

For the nth time I wanted to fly
Up and high in the sky and reach...
Clusters of stars and galaxies
Knowing the coldness and the dark unknowns of the universe, I might
End up lost and hovering still, in the...
Dead silence all around me, only the stars to guide me.

Up and away
Protecting the fire

An hour past midnight

Sitting on bamboo sheets
Half naked down to my aching feet
Listening to melodies of ambient beat
Drowning in warm yellow, feeling its heat.