My 10th day of ARV trial treatment: The side effects

It has been 10 days since I took my first three pills of ARVs. My cocktail is Nevirapine (200mg) + Lamivudine(150mg)/Zidovudine(300mg). I have been following a very strict hypoallergenic diet, strictly no smoking, and complete sleep all the time. No physical manifestations of the side effects so far, no rashes, no skin redness, etc. There were however some mild side effects that I experienced, like: fatigue, and increased food intake.

I experienced fatigue when I decided to jog for half a kilometer last week. I don't usually get so tired for such an activity, but this is different. After going home from my jog, then taking a shower, resting, etc. I went to bed and woke up late in the afternoon. I can barely get up, I felt so exhausted, my body felt so heavy and tired, I tried standing but my knees seemed too weak. I just stayed in bed all day and had food delivered. I almost crawled just to answer the door when the food delivery guy came. The next day, the same feeling lingered. Although not as worse as the previous day, but I still felt tired and so weak. I can only stand for a few minutes, although I managed to prepare meals for myself. I can get up, and walk around my condo, but I end up on my bed within a few minutes. Next day again, I felt great! I feel energized, like I rested for more than a day. When I went to SLH for my check-up, I told the doctors what happened, and they said it is part of the side effects, I shouldn't have forced myself to jog in the first place; because that activity triggered the side effect.

Nevirapine is only supposed to be taken once a day, everyday at 8am; then after 14 days, it will be taken twice a day, 1 pill at 8 PM and again at 8 AM. Last Friday, while I was in the train on my way to work, while I was listening to the radio through my phone. I wondered, "did I forget something, it's 8:20 PM and I should have taken something". I looked at my phone and for a second or two I realized that the alarm failed! I unzipped my bag and look for the pill container that has Nevirapine, I found the small pink plastic container, opened it up, took a pill and popped it in my mouth as quickly as I can and drank water. After I swallowed the pill, I realized that nothing was wrong, that pill was supposed to be drank the next day at 8 AM not 8 PM. My next pill is at 9 PM, there was no alarm to go off in the first place. So there, since that day moving forward, I have been taking Nevirapine twice a day, no physical side effects so far. So instead of 14 days trial for that pill, it was cut short to 7. I haven't told my doctors yet. Based on what I found out online, the reason why there is a 14 day for Nevirapine is because of its fatal skin rash side effect and to give the body, specially the liver time to adjust to the toxicity. I will report this incident to my doctors this week. It's just common sense, if I accidentally doubled the dosage within the trail period but it will doubled afterwards, I might as well go on with it. Instead of doubling the dose on one day then going back to the normal trial dosage. Its like bringing battle tanks to fight the enemy then withdrawing it and replaced by armed foot soldiers; such lowering of dosage might lead to treatment failure.

For the past two days, I have been awfully drowsy every after lunch at work. Yesterday, after eating lunch (packed lunch) which was not so heavy at all. I felt so sleepy that I just can't help but to tell my teammate that I will be sleeping for a bit. Earlier, I felt so drowsy that I accidentally slept at my workstation. I am yet to know what is causing these incidents. I am never like this at work, not when I have enough sleep.

My first day on ARVs: The beginning of a lifetime.

July 15, 2011, Tuesday. Today is my first day of taking ARVs. I was supposed to finish my shift at 7 AM, but because I have to finish a lot of stuff and I am on Vacation leave for a week, I have to make sure all things are good and everything have been properly endorsed. So I stayed at work until brunch time. It was 7 AM, my phone alarmed telling me it's time to eat. I wandered in our pantry, only to find out it was full of foods that I am not supposed to eat. The nearby McDonald's is definitely a no no because of all the processed meat. I went to Starbucks to check out the sandwiches, all have cheeses in them. I moved on to Seattle's best, all have cheeses in them too! Yesterday I ate there and ordered a pesto pasta and asked the attendant to make sure not to put parmesan on the dish. I then went to two 711s to buy some siopao, and there was none, I was able to buy siopao and a piece of banana from the 3rd 711 store two blocks away from our office building. It took me 20 minutes just to look for something to buy for breakfast or dinner, whatever.

8 AM, my phone alarmed again, I was sitting at my workstation; it's time for Nevirapine. Good thing my water bottle was ready, I took my bag and peeked inside to look for the bottle, I carefully opened it, took a pill and felt it rolling on my fingers. As I felt its texture and played around with it for a little bit, its path on my fingers left a fine white powder. The pill was coarse, rough, big, and fragile. It felt like that I can break it into pieces with just little effort. I popped it in my mouth and gulped a mouthful of water. I felt it go down in me, and I waited for any effect to be felt. almost an hour has gone by, and I was very paranoid.

9 AM, it's time for Lamivudine/Zidovudine. it's a two in one pill, two medicines in one medium sized white pill, that is a little smaller than Nevirapine, and it is smoother and it felt smooth to touch. After gulping it down with water. I waited, and waited. Until I was ready to go home, I felt nothing. I waited a bit outside our office building, sat there for while looking at the sun soaked busy street full of passing taxi cabs, luxury cars, and the hurrying day workers in tight and well pressed office attire. Another hour passed by again, and still, I felt nothing.

I was on my home, in the bus, I felt this rumbling in my stomach. I was hungry. Moments later, I found myself in the cool and long aisles of SM Fairview, doing a little bit of shopping.I ate hungrily at Mang Inasal, I ordered pork barbecue and did not bother to even fix the sauce for it. I had two and a half cups of rice. I was so full, and I went home.

At home, I unpacked all the stuff that I bought, tidied up the plastic bags, took a shower, slept. My dad came knocking on the door around past 4 PM. Asked a few questions on how I was doing, and offered to accompany me to the market, I said not now, I'm very sleepy. We talked for a bit and he went home. I slept again.

My phone alarmed, it was already 7PM, I have to eat. I went down to the nearby canteen and I found porkchops, fried. I ordered a piece and two cups of rice. I went back to my condo, watched cable, then my phone alarmed, it was 9 PM, time for another pill. As I wait for any effects, I went to browse a few stuff online and even checked some important emails and replied to a few correspondents.

As of this writing, it is already 12:04 AM, July 16, Saturday. It has been 16 hours since my first pill, and I still feel nothing significantly noticeable or new. I have a few itchy spots here and there, no redness, no bumps; so it might just be the heat.

HIV/AIDS Management: preparing for ARV treatment (part 3)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011, H4 Ward San Lazaro Hospital, Manila. It was the final day of the ARV treatment counseling. My dad, Jay, and I were all waiting patiently at the ward's entrance. My name was called at around 2 PM, I was the first patient to be counseled. At the table near the back of the doctor's clinic area, awaits 4 doctors. 2 dermatologists; one dermatologist looks like an Indian while the other one is an old Chinese mestizo, the doctor who counseled me who is infectious disease specialist was there, and one of the most tenured doctor in H4 ward who is also an infectious disease specialist took the lead; all were waiting for me. Papers were preparedly piled, booklets as well as handouts. I introduced myself, Jay, and my dad to the lead doctor and we all sat at the other end of the table, me sitting next to the lead doctor. The doctor then told me that this is the final stage of the counseling and we will review what I have learned during the first two sessions, making sure that I already fully understand the processes of HIV treatment. Below are the questions and what I answered as well as few of the discussions.

Lead doctor: What are ARVs for?
Me: They are medicines that inhibit the replication of HIV viruses inside the CD4 cells. There are what we call protease inhibitors and others that blocks the virus from getting the cell's DNA, stopping the virus from replicating itself.
Lead doctor: What are CD4 cells and what they do?
Me: CD4 cells are helper cells, a kind of antibody that tells other antibodies that there are invading bodies inside the system.
Lead doctor: What are the relevance between CD4 cells and HIV?
Me: The HIV virus needs the CD4 cells for it to multiply, as they go inside the cell and replicate, the CD4 cell dies. It goes on and on, repeating the process.
Lead doctor: Name three types of ARVs and one significant side effect of each.
Me: Nevirapine - rashes that may lead to Steven Johnson disease; Efavirenz - dizziness, Lamivudine/Zidovudine - anemia.
Lead doctor: How long are you required to undergo treatment?
Me: For a lifetime.
Lead doctor: What are the purposes of taking ARVs?
Me: To prolong a patient's life, to raise up my CD4 level, to lower a patient's viral load down to undetectable.
Dermatologist 2: What are difference between adherence and conformance?
Me: Conformance is doing what is needed as directed or conforming to what is needed to be done. Adherence is doing what is needed on time.
Dermatologist 2: What are the intervals in-between and taking each type of pill?
Me: 12 hour intervals between each dosage and 1 hour apart for each type.
Dermatologist 2: Name the ARVs and when you are supposed to take it.
Me: Nevirapine once a day at 8pm, Lamivudine/Zidovudine twice a day every 12 hours, so that will be 9pm and 9am.
Dermatologist 2: If you are 30 minutes late in taking your medicines are you going to double the dosage?
Me; No.
Dermatologist 2: Nevirapine will be increased to what dosage and when?
Me: Twice a day 12 hours apart, 8pm and 8am after two weeks of no violent side effects.
Dermatologist 2: Are you depressed?
Me: During the first few weeks of diagnosis of course I was, but I am okay now.
Dermatologist 1: What will be the trigger for you to be confined here?
Me: If there will be rashes or diarrhea or any severe side effect.
Dermatologist 1: Is it okay for you to be confined here?
Me: No.
Dermatologist 2: Are you sexually active?
Me: Not at all.
Dermatologist 2: Were you sexually active?
Me: Not even.
Dermatologist 1: Does your partner know?
Me: When I had one, yes.
Lead doctor: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I haven't had sex for along time, I'm not active at all, if ever I do, of course I will.
Dermatologist 1: What diet are you practicing, if any?
Me: Yes I am, the hypoallergenic diet, and I was hoping rice would be on the list.
Dermatologist 2: You are overweight. Once you have settled to a particular combination of medicines your next goal is to lose unwanted weight. You are two times prone to heart diseases compared to uninfected obese individuals. Right now, you watch what you eat, be extra careful. No smoking nor drinking.
Me: Is it okay to take glutathione?
Dermatologist 1: For what?
Me: To clean my liver before I take my first pill. I do believe that the medicines are already toxic and may stress the liver.
Dermatologist 1: Its effects aren't clinically proven, so we don't recommend you do it.
Dermatologist 2: If you want to take care of your liver, stop smoking and stop drinking.
Lead doctor: Also, no multivitamins for now and nothing of any type of food and herbal supplements.
Lead doctor: If your CD4 goes up as high as 1000, are you supposed to stop ARVs and why?
Me: No, because the ARV's purpose is to set a block for the HIV and the CD4 cells. If I stop taking ARVs that block or wall will be stopped, enabling the virus to get a hold of a CD4 cell and start replicating again.
Lead doctor: What will happen if you stop taking ARVs at any given time?
Me: The virus might or will develop resistance to the medicines and I may have or will need to take the 2nd line of ARVs.

Those were some of the questions and discussions during the last part of the counseling. I felt like I was in a panel interview or I was a student presenting a report to a panel of professors with my friend and dad as audiences. I was kind of nervous answering their questions, afraid that I may answer a wrong one. I even felt that I was graded! Dermatologist 2, was very strong in his statements and has a strong command of words. Dermatologist 1, was the quiet type, the counselor doctor was quiet the whole time, the lead doctor, she was already my doctor in my previous visits, she has a very strong character.

After the almost hour long discussion and reviews, the lead doctor prepared the papers for enrollment, my enrollment for ARVs, she said delightfully "alright, you are indeed ready to be enrolled". Then dermatologist 2 said "I think you more than ready, you are happy". I replied, "I am very much ready and being happy is my choice. I am even excited to start the treatment!". There were a couple of papers to sign and Jay and my dad has to sign as well, as witnesses. I was given a booklet that looks like a bank passbook, it will record the ARVs I get from the pharmacy. After we signed the papers the lead doctor told us to proceed to the pharmacy and get the medicines. I shook her hand as well as the other doctors and thank them for a wonderful discussion. The three of us then headed out of the ward to get my medicines then off to a late lunch at SM San Lazaro.


Part 1

Part 2

My life with the virus

Being a man living with HIV is something shocking to most people or everyone. It has been more than a year since I got diagnosed, and if my calculations are correct, I have been living with the virus since 2008. Having HIV has always been my fear when I was younger. Year 2007, when I watched Rent for the first time, I was very depressed for a week after watching it. I don't want to be one of those bohemians who has AIDS. I don't want to count days when I will die or how long do I have left. I was scared, very scared that everyday I pray to God... "please, don't let me have HIV, please take care of me and protect me from it". I was afraid that if ever I have it, my life will end before I even enjoy it fully, that I will not be able to reach my dreams and goals in life and not being able to know how it is to live. I was afraid that I will be different, abnormally different, someone sick, someone weak. I was afraid to be someone who is being pitied at.

2010, in the middle of summer, on a very hot afternoon. I got a call from Fred, an ex of mine. He said in a sad and shaky yet commanding voice that he just found out he has HIV, I didn't know how to react. After a few minutes of silence, I was able to utter a few words, like the usual "how are you?", "how are you feeling?", "what made you take the test?". He said that someone sent him a text message saying he should get tested because that person has just been diagnosed. He was determined to know who sent the message, I am just not sure if he was able to know who it really was. That day was still normal for me, I was sad for Fred, but I felt nothing for myself. After our somewhat long conversation, I immediately made a research on HIV testing centers. I listed down phone numbers and locations of hospitals where I can take the test. Of course, on top of the list was San Lazaro Hospital. The next day, Monday morning, I called up the phone numbers of San Lazaro Hospital. I asked the guy over the phone on how to get there and where and how can I have the HIV test. The guy was very friendly, so I was excited to take the test. I arrived in the hospital late afternoon. After two weeks, I got the result, and a series of life changing moments started to take place. It was a rebirth for me. That knowledge set me free from self doubts and fears. However, the first few weeks weren't easy at all. There were more fears, the fears that I have been dreading all those years were finally at their very peak.

Watching Rent for the nth time was never the same again, knowing that I too, has HIV, just like most of the characters in that very popular musical. I felt like I was one of them, freethinking and free spirited bohemians living their lives and living life, writing songs, making music, singing, living with the virus.

I am only scared of that moment where one will lay in bed, dying... then dead. It is a sad truth that nobody dare to talk about. All of us will die in whatever way, everyone, HIV positive or not. The only difference is that we (people living with HIV) are widely aware that if we are not extra careful with our health we can die faster than everyone else. Being scared is normal, being scared is okay. I too, am scared, I am constantly scared, but I face it, I swallow that fear, because no matter what I do, there will be threats. I just walk on by, being careful each step of the way. People living with HIV have a constantly deteriorating immune system, that only a lifetime of medicines can help slow down or stop. For us to have a close to normal immune system and to survive longer, we have to make sure that our health is on top condition. We have to make sure that our organs and the rest of our body are all functioning well and are free of other viruses and diseases. Thus, making us some of the supposedly healthiest individuals alive. Ironically, we have the healthiest body that's on constant threat from many diseases. As many say and it is true, that we can die from something that normal people will just sleep off and get well the next day.

After all the depression I've gone through during the first weeks, after all of my revelations to my closest friends, talks with my dad, prayers, looking back and thinking forward; I can say that I am living a better life. Better, because I now have a better outlook. I sorted my priorities, and I am going after my dreams and fighting for what I believe. Reaching out to many, making them realize that HIV is not the end of the world, but a start of a new beginning. There are and will always be challenges along the way with this fragile body, but it is the strength of our soul that can walk us towards a brighter tomorrow. I can say that I am still normal, I feel normal, and I am obligated to be happy. After all, happiness is a choice. I am living healthier, I am thinking healthier, and dreaming more. HIV has been a catalyst for a better life for me. I quit dying the moment I realized I have a lot to live for. The virus made me realize that lingering in depression on something that happened in the past is a very worthless way to spend time. Forget regrets, after all, what happened to us now, is something that we inflicted ourselves in one way or another, so we have to accept and face it. One big thing I realized is that self acceptance is a major step to becoming happy. There are always something to look back may it be good or bad, but there's only one way towards a better future, and we have to face it chin up, with a brave perspective and a smile. Look back, think forward, act now.

HIV/AIDS Management: preparing for ARV treatment (part 2)

Tuesday, July 05, 2011. I brought my friend Jay to the H4 ward in San Lazaro Hospital as a requirement by my doctor to have another treatment partner aside from my dad. Jay was very supporting and asked questions regarding my treatment and the what nots as well as the what tos. I deeply appreciate his efforts on doing so and coming with me to the hospital.

All my lab results turned out well, except that my blood sugar level was a bit high, so no more extra rice for me. The rest of the lab results were good, including Hepatitis B and Syphilis that turned out non-reactive.

The second session of the counseling was more detailed, because the doctor had to discuss all the medicines from 1st line to the 3rd line one by one, their possible side effects and what to do with each one. Whether I will be needed to be rushed to the hospital or just to let it wait until a particular side effect clears. We also discussed how long I will be doing my weekly check-ups once I start my trial stage of treatment. The weekly check-ups will be once a week, every Thursdays for one to two months. I have to be on leave from work for two weeks so that everything will be observed and anything that may happen will be noticed and will be taken cared of. The pills were also shown to us, the intervals of taking each one were discussed and what the pills look like. The first line of medicines are Lamividine/Zidovidine and Nevirapine.

I also have to be careful on what I eat. The importance of me going on a hypoallergenic diet was also discussed again, just to make sure I understood its importance in the treatment, which I must strictly adhere to. It is important for me to go on a hypoallergenic diet to find out the causes of allergy if ever I will have or may develop one. Also, no more raw foods for me, either vegetables or animals. So goodbye sushi, sashimi, and most types of maki, no rare and medium-rare steaks; hoping all of this is just for now. No more street foods too. All avoidance to certain types of food to be done to prevent me from getting any parasites, fungi, or additional viruses.

Exercise is a must but must be done in moderation, because I cannot get tired. Amount of sleep was also discussed, I must have at least 6 hours of sleep, but it is important to have full 8 hours. It was also reiterated in the discussion that lack of sleep and stress can significantly damage the immune system. The doctor also suggest that I get vaccinated before I start on ARV treatment, making sure I get additional protection.

With a CD4 count of only 295, all measures must be done to protect my already weak immune system. Strict compliance to medical advices is a must.


Part 1

Part 3

HIV/AIDS Management: preparing for ARV treatment (part 1)

First week of June, was my 3rd blood extraction for my 3rd CD4 test. 3rd week of June, I got the result and my CD4 is already at 295 from the previous count of 386. To be diagnosed as someone with AIDS, a person living with HIV must have a CD4 of 200 and below and have at least one Opportunistic Infection (e.g. Pneumonia, TB, etc.). I am already nearing the point of having a CD4 count of 200, plus I am very much prone to Pneumonia, so I am going to start taking ARVs real soon.

Yesterday (June 28, 2011), me and my dad went to San Lazaro Hospital for our ARV counseling as well as to work on my lab tests. I had a long list of lab tests that even the medical technicians at the hospital's lab department were surprised on how much tests my doctor requested. Well those were done and I will get them by next week, Tuesday. Yesterday, the counseling session between me, my dad, and my doctor; started. Topics that were discussed was what ARVs are for, the importance of, the side effects, the benefits and why people living with HIV needs them. My dad was obviously interested on the topics discussed and did ask some questions that I never thought of. Like my sleeping habits, food intake and if there are any food that I cannot eat, and is it okay if I live alone? While I asked about my weight issues and my plans about it.

Regarding my weight, The doctor said to maintain my weight even at my chubbiness level. Any weight loss will be checked if it has any connection to the medicines I will be taking or to the side effects or to the new diet I will be practicing. The doctor also said that I must be happy I have this much fat, most patients are craving to have such built. Regarding food and diet, my doctor has put me on a strict hypoallergenic diet so that when I start taking ARVs and if side effects start to appear, they can immediately rule out food as a cause.

I was also given handouts about ARVs which contain data like the suggested times I need to take them, the intervals between, the side effects and how to deal with them. All are in Tagalog.

About my dad's question about me living alone, the doctor suggests I bring a friend next time who can look after me when my dad is away. Even though my dad lives only 20 minutes away(drive) from my place, and he can always visit and check on me on a daily basis my doctor suggested to have a friend as a backup to check on me whenever needed. I volunteered a very close friend (of more than a decade) of mine as my dad's backup, Jay. The doctor repeatedly said how important it is to have a dependable treatment partner, someone who will monitor my vital stats, every body changes that may happen, and anything that can be related to the cocktail of drugs I will be taking; and someone who will make sure I will take my medicines on time. So, those people are my dad and Jay.

So that's the end of the first ARV counseling session. The second will be next Tuesday and Jay will be with us on that one. Also, next Tuesday, I will be getting the lab results. All 14 of them.


Part 2

Part 3

My 2nd CD4 count; surprise, surprise!

New Yorker: Yesterday I found out my T-cells were low.
Counselor: What's your reaction?
New Yorker: Scared.
Counselor: How are you feeling today? Right now?
New Yorker: Okay, alright... Pretty good.
Counselor: So...?
New Yorker: This is the best I've felt for a long time, months.
Counselor: Then why choose fear?
New Yorker: I'm a New Yorker, fear is my life.
Canonista: Last Thursday, I found out my T-Cells were low.

141 points in 6 months, that means if it continues to go down at that speed, by June my CD4 will be at 244, 44 points away from being full blown. My doctors said I will be taking ARVs by June.

In just within 4 months, I got a second attack of Community Acquired Pneumonia. My first experience was terrible. This one is a bit mild than the first attack. I was lucky because during the day that I am scheduled to get my latest CD4 count was the same day my fever went as high as 39 degrees. During the night before at work, I already know I am going to get sick, I feel unusually cold but my temperature seemed okay, it was normal. I frequently visited the office clinic to check on my temperature which went a degree higher everytime I went there. Morning came and I went to the bird house to rest because I am already feeling weaker by the hour. I needed to rest before I travel several miles from Makati to San Lazaro.

When I got to San Lazaro at around 7:30 AM, my fever was already at 38 degrees, at 10 AM it went up to 39 degrees. The doctor gave me 1 week to rest and prescribed antibiotics as well as vitamin C and paracetamol. After the consultation, my doctor checked my latest CD4 result, and was a bit surprised to what she found out on my record... My CD4 dropped from 526 last June to just 385 this month, that's an alarming 141 points down. In most cases, the CD4 count drops only by 50 or 80 points every 6 months or every year in some.

Earlier today I decided to go back to San Lazaro to check if I can already go back to work. My fever was gone last Saturday, that was after I got Tonsilitis. "All clear" the doctor said, so I asked for a medical certificate and managed to get the document before noon. I'll be going back to work.

HIV/AIDS across the globe

Here are my favorite photographs from Flickr's Positive Lives page. All credits are under each photograph.

I hope this series of photographs will open everyone's eyes to the the dangers and challenges of contracting the virus. The dangers are real, and it varies from each individual and manifests into many different forms.

I also hope this post will further open minds and hearts on what people like me who are living with HIV faces everyday and how it affects everyone around us. Perhaps, this too will make more people understand what it is like to live with the virus, and realize the challenges and fears we face as we live with an incurable condition.

Photos from Positive Lives

SOUTH AFRICA

AIDS and HIV as it affects children.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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Baby in terminal stages of AIDS in area where 30% of pregnant mothers are testing positive.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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MOZAMBIQUE

Arlet Neves, 38. Her sister died of Aids, sitting with her nephew who is afraid of discrimination in spite of not having the disease.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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MALAWI

'A long day of Dying' 35-40% of patient illness at the hospital is AIDS-related.

"Officially we have beds for 110 patients, but we now have about 130 patients and 250 outpatients a day. It's difficult to say accurately how many have died of AIDS because we have run out of reagent for testing and haven't been able able to test. We have approximately one death per day. We lack equipment, we lack staff, we don't have medicines. We don't even have plaster tape, so we have to use masking tape to attach drips or splints to patients arms. We are overwhelmed in every aspect of the epidemic"
Dr Maurice Bonongwe, Director.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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ZAMBIA

Home care volunteer Violet Mukosha comforts one of her clients in Nkwazi Compound in Ndola.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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Children at an anti-Aids club perform a short play about a schoolgirl becoming HIV positive.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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THE PHILIPPINES

"It is there all the time, I always think about it, even when I am sleeping. I worry about what will happen to my daughter when I go".
Photograph by Harriet Logan / Gill Turner Agency.
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Michael Christopher with Sister Sol.
Photograph by Harriet Logan / Gill Turner Agency.
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Jack, Au and Len Len...
Photograph by Harriet Logan / Gill Turner Agency.
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THAILAND

Lumpai Sirattanan holds her emaciated husband during his final hours. He was once a Thai boxing champion. Lumpai has also tested positive.
Photograph by Jack Picone.
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A western volunteer comforts a patient who craves to be touched. Touching helps them so much psychologically.
Photograph by Jack Picone.
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INDIA

Sidha Doctor, Sidha medicine is a 5000 year old medicine using herbs and minerals.
Photograph by Dayanita Singh / NbPictures.
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HIV positive children are housed in female wards, often brought after parents have died..
Photograph by Dayanita Singh / NbPictures.
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Stephen Vidyakar gives water to a dying women. She was found abandoned by the police, who brought her to Stephen. This home has 100 destitute women, 38 of who are HIV positive. Destitute women that come to Stephen (himself an orphan) have often been raped multiple times and end up becoming HIV positive. Stephen set up an orphanage 15 years ago. Today he has centres all over the state to look after the destitute, orphans and the mentally ill. He has no government support or grant money.
Photograph by Dayanita Singh / NbPictures.
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AUSTRALIA

Andrew's sense of humour carried him through frequent hospital visits - here he has slapped a sticker on his forehead during a trip to casualty with a focal siezure..
Photograph by Jack Picone.
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Family and staff care for Andrew in his last moments.
Photograph by Jack Picone.
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UNITED KINGDOM

Frank and Louise - Frank gets ready for his medication, which Louise will help administer.
Photograph by Judah Passow.
JPA-10009936


F and Katherine - Time to relax and enjoy the day.
Photograph by Judah Passow.
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John - John's boyfriend often stayed over at the hospital.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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John - A nurse gives John a kiss. The staff were very fond of John.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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Steven - Steven tried to maintain control over his treatment and often challenged the medical team at the hospital about his prescriptions and blood transfusions.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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Andre - Andre sharing a special moment with his mother.

Andre was in for routine treatment when he suddenly became critically ill. His partner and mother have been very supportive during his time in hospital.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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Andre - Andre with his mother and partner, he was seriously ill.
Photograph by Gideon Mendel / Corbis.
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San Lazaro

My fever started on Wednesday, but it was a bit mild. Thursday, I couldn't almost get up, but I still went to work. Friday, I filed for a leave, as well as Saturday, Sunday and Mondays are my rest days. Then I went to San Lazaro today...

It has been a while since I have been to the hospital. I should have gone there last week during the first day of my fever, but because I really need to go to work I ended up going to San Lazaro Hospital earlier today. I thought that paracetamol tablets and medicines like Neozep, Sinutab, Bioflu, Biogesic, Tuseran, would still work on me, which I only discovered yesterday, they have no effect on me at all.

I don't have fever anymore since this morning, which is good. However, my cough got worse, and I still cannot breathe through my nose. My chest pains are more painful because of the pressure my lungs have to exert to expel the phlegm. My throat is already irritated, dry, and a bit painful because of all the coughing. All my doctor prescribed was a drug named Ciprobay or its generic name, Ciprofloxacin. The medicines are free by the way, plus they gave me a whole month's supply of vitamin C. She said that if my condition doesn't improve in the next few days, I have to go back to San Lazaro and have a follow-up checkup. Checkup or not, I have to go back to the hospital because my boss wants me to submit a fit to work order before I can go back to work. Checking my work emails, I saw that she already put me on sick leave for the entire week, which is just right because I am on medication for 7 days.

I think I am becoming partially deaf because of all the medicines that I have taken. I cannot hear nor comprehend anyone's verbal communication right away and I cannot taste anything, at all.

Anyway, I haven't been smoking since last week, I do hope that I can continue not to, moving forward. I really have to be extra careful with my health, now that ordinary medicines doesn't do any good on me anymore. Plus it is already becoming such a pain and a burden everytime I get sick with even just a simple cold.

Thinning depression

MID 2009


I miss my old body, just last 2009 until the early quarters of this year, I can still wear shirts sizes XS and S. Now I can only wear large shirts. Damn it feels great to eat, but it feels worse to have a low esteem caused by a wobbly built. Every pound I gain is a level down on my self-esteem scale.

Just a few weeks ago, a kid at the nearby store said "ang sungit ng mamang mataba". People I don't know address me these days as "mama" or "manong" or "kuya". This extra pounds I bare made me look old too. (sigh)

When I was thin, strangers address me as "iho" or "boy". Last year, cashiers at 711 stores ask me to show them my ID before they can give me a pack of cigarettes, it happened in 4 different 711 stores along Taft, and in Makati. Roving guards and policemen often stop me during my evening photoshoots in Manila, in Intramuros in particular. Asking me for my ID and why I was still on the streets at that time of night, asking me where I study and if I have classes the next day. (sigh)

I really have to lose this extra pounds. My target date is fast approaching. My grandest birthday gift for myself is to lose such weight and to greet 2011 with a better body, be in better shape, be fitter, and have a much healthier body; despite of the virus in my blood. With precaution and proper nutrition, I hope dieting and the speedy weight lost won't have much negative effect on my CD4 count.

I long to live longer.

MID 2005

Factors that affect the immune system

Here is something I found online that will definitely help keep us healthy. Stuff that we have to avoid to keep our immune system as healthy as possible. To the people like me who are living with HIV/AIDS, read carefully below. I know that we can no longer save our immune system, but at least, we can decelerate its shut down by natural means.

Factors that Affect the Immune System

GOOD:
Natural diet, happiness and serenity, high morale, a positive attitude, adequate rest and sleep, fresh air, physical exercise.

ADVERSE:

I. MOST COMMON

1.) toxemia from dietary errors, constipation.
2.) dietary deficiencies, in particular Vitamin C; worry.
3.) chemicals from different sources including fluoride, chlorine, etc in water supplies, pesticide residues in food, other chemicals in food; and
4.)medicine--aspirin, tranquilizers, cough mixtures, etc.

II. MORE SEVERE

1.) alcohol
2.) smoking
3.) overweight
4.) overwork, fatigue
5.) mental trauma--anger, pain, worry, frustration, grief, fear.
6.) physical trauma--sexual excesses, excessive athletic training, prolonged discomfort, heat, cold.
7.) chemical trauma--mercury in amalgam tooth fillings, poisons from infected teeth, poisons from insect bites, ticks, etc, septicemia, common medicines, prescription medicines, antibiotics, vaccinations.

III. VERY SEVERE

1.) severe malnutrition--junk food, high sugar, high salt, high fat, high cholesterol, severe vitamin C deficiency.
2.) all drugs used habitually whether taken intravenously, orally or inhaled, including marijuana, etc and antibiotics.
3.) bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness and
mental trauma of voodoo or bone-pointing death sentence by shaman, witch doctor, or modern physician.

After reading this, I thought that I am already killing myself with items II. 1,2,3,4,5 and items III. 3 - "bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness"

source: http://chestofbooks.com/health/natural-cure/Ross-Horne/Health-and-Survival-in-the-21st-Century/

Of open wounds and a dying body

After finishing the drama series 1 Liter of Tears. I thought, what the heck... I really couldn't relate myself that much to what I just watched. It was about someone with an incurable disease, but it's much worse than what I have now. I was not able to relate and I found myself somewhat lost in the middle of watching it. It was about being with a very supportive family. It was mainly about love and family. The main character was surrounded by her big family, her mom was there to always watch over her, her dad who was there to protect here, her siblings who are guides and who are also watching her.

As the series progresses, I somehow put myself into the character's shoes. Did I had a family? Was I ever taken cared of as a child? I realized, I never felt that I had a family. Growing up without a dad, with my mom whom I hated so much, a stepdad that I wished would be dead (he is now), a half brother that I denied for so long. All of those things came in mind as I watched the ending series. I never had a family or at least I never felt I had one.

I have wanted so much and for so long to have a family. I grew up believing and feeling that everything was kept from me, my freedom, my future, my dad. I hated my mom for everything she did to me, to my childhood, and for ruining our family. I know she wanted to keep me as her son, and she believed that she can raise me alone. I thought otherwise. I dreamt of someday being free and on my own. That, I am living now.

I left my old life behind, lived in solitude and in the comfort of loneliness. Some came along, but I guess, we have to be broken in order for us to understand things even more and see what needed to be seen within ourselves, and realize what needed to be fixed for us to move along this web of life.

I already have scars and still have open wounds. Forgiveness looms somewhere in my cold heart, 'till that day comes and as the water of hate runs dry. I hold on to my broken past to fuel my passion to walk forward. I know it's wrong but it is the only way for me not to repeat the darkness of what was. I do pray to God that he give me the strength to find forgiveness in my cold and dark heart.

As you all know as well as most people close to me already know. I am living with an incurable disease. I don't know how many more years I still have before I reach the final stages of HIV. Most people know it takes 10 years before this becomes full blown and becomes AIDS, but it will also depend on the overall health of the person. I have been in terrible pain this past few days. I have to have all of my impacted tooth removed before my CD4 cells go down further, I already started to feel pain in my stomach and I have UTI. I already have been taking antibiotics and a lot of pain relievers. I will go to the dentist soon, perhaps tomorrow. I need to take care of myself more and more each day. Sometimes I forget that I am sick, I forget that I am unlike most people with healthy immune systems, I often forget that it is not okay for me to catch a cold or cough or get soaked in rain or get tired or not have enough sleep... They are not okay for me anymore. I often forget that my immune system is slowly shutting down. One day, a simple cold will kill me. So as early as now, I must do whatever I can not to get sick while I still have enough antibodies to heal myself of any infections. I must do everything I can to become healthier. The fight to stay alive has barely began, so I must prepare.

There are still a lot I want to do, there are still wounds I have to heal, and everytime I play one of my favorite songs and as it reaches the peak of its message and chorus, I never forget to say... God, I am not ready to come home.

Of ballooning weight and getting back into shape

Since I got diagnosed, I changed my lifestyle a lot. I mean a lot... I cut down enormously on smoking and together with my new perspectives in life are my eating habits. I am now very careful with what I eat, but also, I also got carried away with this I-need-to-be-healthy regimen of mine. I lost control of my appetite.

I have been having issues with my weight since I started working, which was 5 years ago. I used to weight 128 lbs, that was back in highschool, gained some lean muscles in college and I weight 130. I was lean, I got 6 pack abs and a nice chest, well-defined biceps and thighs. I was into yoga, swimming, running, and bouldering... I was into all those sports almost at the same time. That was before all the stress of the corporate world came. Even before I started working, I rarely eat land animals, I rarely drink carbonated and artificially made beverages. Instead, I was addicted to green tea and milk. I had a discipline of only eating twice a day without snacks in between meals, I also had the discipline to measure all I eat. I was almost normal, I pig out like any glutton out there on parties and special occasions, but I bounce back to my abnormal self of a disciplined eater. So what happened? Stress found me and along came the discovery of uncontrolled eating. I grew to as much as 150lbs, I'm only 5'3".

Last year (2009), I got severely depressed because of many different reasons that I already buried (now). Because of of emotional distress and insecurity issues I did not eat for more than a month. Fine! I did eat, two days every week. For workweeks, I did not eat anything at all, I drink not just water, but two liters of Nestea Fit (the one with 900mg of L-Carnitine) everyday. I lost 35lbs in 3 weeks. I was back to 130lbs in less than a month. The catch was, I looked dry, sick, and fragile. Well I was already sick then (with HIV), I just did not know about it until last April of this year. But oh boy! I was a happy lad. my tummy was flat, I can wear shirts I haven't worn for a long time! I was lean for a period of time. Until I knew I have it.

I know the diet/fasting I did last year might have killed me. Beauty has a price they say, luckily I don't feel any tummy-related sicknesses, yet.

I went earlier to our office clinic and now I weight a whopping 152lbs! Fuck! Some of pants are already tight and all of my boxers are tight as well! My shirts make me look like I'm a hotdog with a tight plastic skin on it! I really have to do something with my body.

I want to see and feel my abs again and those V-cut lines of muscles on my thighs and that almost V-shaped indention of muscle on the sides of my groin. My action plan is in line with this bohemian thing going on, eat greens. Not all vegetables are expensive, some types of fish are still cheaper than land animal meat. Most of all, get back into sports! I can do it. I need to get back into that Yogi-Buddhist-Bohemian-Pescetarian-Sporty lifestyle I used to practice.

I say no to:
1.) Fastfood
2.) Artificial drinks - Carbonated beverages, instant/powdered juices/teas.
3.) Supermarket fruits and vegetables - most fruits and veggies in the grocery are superfed with pesticides.
4.) Processed foods
5.) Land animals!

I did it before. I can do it again.

Discliamer: I can have cheat days - there will be days when we have no time to cook or nowhere else to eat but in the friendly neighborhood fastfood joint.

Target weight: 125lbs
Target date: November 15, 2010.
By that time I can pose nude for that much awaited photoshoot for my photographer friend! LOL!

Whew. Here I go. Day one.

Answered prayer

Since I was diagnosed, God knows that I have been crying and needing for someone to be at my side. It was answered through my friends and family however, a question of a life partner lingered on. God knows that I have questions about who or if I will ever find someone to accept me as who and what I am, now that I am living with HIV.

It was answered all along, I just did not listen hard enough at first. There was an echo, a calling, that he has been there all along. I listened to what seems to a be a distant call.

Thank you God, for letting us cross each other's paths. Thank you, for letting him accept not just who, but what I am. Thank you God, for the answered prayer and for this gift. I promise you that I will take good care of this gift with all my heart and soul, with my every breath and heart beat, I will love him the way I love you.

Thank you Pong, For letting me in your life, embracing life and being alive, with me.

My lifestyle evolution

I will undergo another evolution in my life. This time, with a help from the Goth-chick friend of mine. She has been with me for quite a long time and she has been a quiet conscience and a guide of when it comes to life's decision making. Last night we talked over AIM for a bit and told her about my goals this year, and she pointed out some sub-categories in my goals that I have missed out.

I told her that this time, I have to adhere to all my plans and goals and I want to fulfill each one of them, specially the financial aspect of my goals. It has been quite hard for me to save, because I spend too much on things that I don't really need and splurge on things that I can do somewhere else cheaper. Having HIV means I have to save up for future medical expenses knowing the fact that my HMO will not support any diseases that may be related to it. One fact is that I cannot disclose my status to the HMO doctors for them to treat my future diseases properly, else, they will cut me off of my benefits. That said, I really have to save money for the future and to invest wisely on things that will help improve my health and well being.

Hello to more ukay-ukay and surplus shops! Goodbye to expensive signature brands and shoes as well as department stores. Well I have been shopping in ukay-ukay shops since I became independent. I also have to check what do I need in my condo, I will not buy a sofa anymore and a dining set. I can eat on the floor and the Uratex folding foam that turns either into a mini sofa or a single bed will be enough for me and my guests. I will just have to buy a few meters and kinds of fabric to cover it. I also have to buy a little dining table, Japanese style of course to match my bamboo carpet, and more dark shade curtains.

I must also start cooking my own meals and packing lunch for work. That way I will be able to save up and eat healthier foods. However, I want a Tiger lunch box, they say it can keep food warm for hours. I am excited on cooking again, even just for myself. I used to cook for my special man, but I don't have one now, thus lack of urge to cook, I just have to. Weekly dinning out with the Goth-chick will be replaced by weekly dinners at my place instead, both of us can cook so we can do it here, eat dinner and have wine.

Finances are one big reason I am going bohemian, it's voluntary poverty on an artistic aspect. Aside from I adore the lifestyle of the freethinking man and following one's sense of right and wrong. I like the idea of immersing oneself to his art and living it. I don't consider myself artistic, but I know that I am passionate and expressive.

Hmm... with all those said, when will I be able to buy the 24-105mm F4 L lens that I have been dreaming and craving for? Perhaps not anytime soon.

I left the Planet of Romeo

I have been in the online dating scene for quite a long time, and I am very happy to admit that I have met very few good men. Because of my "non-commercial" taste in men and my aloofness in meeting strangers online, meet-ups were all worth my time. I can also say that in many years that I have been online, I only met quite a handful, they were carefully filtered, and I can still count them in one hand.

I have two profiles in Planetromeo.com, 1 have a normal one, that has my face pics and states how normal I am, and another one that says I have HIV and has a body pic with 6 pack abs, of course that was my real photo. The HIV profile was created a week ago and have received an overwhelmingly high number of views, the sad part is, almost nobody sent me a message. If there was any it was of pity, or questions like... "Why are you here?" "Why do you have HIV?" "Are you really sick?" "Why are you still in this site and spreading the virus?"

Some questions are really just annoying. Of course, because of my willingness to educate, I answered some, with detailed explanations. I have experienced stigmas. I have a great body pic and showed significant signs of intelligence in my profile statements, I got a lot of views, but as I said, only questions were mostly sent. I feel that they were afraid of me, I felt like an outcast of society, online at least. I felt nobody wanted me because I have HIV.

There were two guys, hot guys, who offered sex despite of me being HIV positive. They were hot, horny and not afraid of the virus. They know all about it and the needed precautions, which I admired. I refused the offer, I did not hesitate to tell them that sex is the least of my priorities. I always have great respect for my body, now that I have a new lease on life; that respect is greater than ever.

To the normal profile, same shit goes, the usual "hellos", the usual conversations, the usual cycle. It is just so tiring to find myself in great conversation with someone whose words are just like gravity to me. After a while, we text, then we talk on the phone; which is the last thing in my "pre-meet-up" process. I may sound shallow, but sometimes it all ends there. One phone call is all it takes for me to judge if the person I have been exchanging messages with online is someone I might like as a whole. Come on, I may say that I am looking for new friends, but my primary goal on why I am there in that website is to somehow get hooked up with someone that can be a possible boyfriend. So, if I don't like the way he sounds over the phone or if we don't have anything to talk about at all, that's it! Then the cycle begins once more. I send someone a message or someone sends me message and there it goes again... Blah, blah, blah, blah...

It's tiring.

I realized that if I want to meet new people, it will be in the more "socially-present" way. Where I can see them, they can see me, and there are actual eye contacts as well as actual verbal exchanges. Sure, I closed a big door of opportunities of meeting someone significant with tens of thousands of gay men online, but if the cycle of "his" and "hellos" continues, I might be a zombie someday. I don't want to be a slave to the monotony of the online dating scene, I don't want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I value eye to eye contact, that way, there are instances of proper observation, communication, attraction, gravitation. Unlike online, there are these abrupt feelings and thoughts that I often undergo and let go... "I like you"-> "I am thinking of you"->"I really like you"->"I think it's time for us to meet"->"I got turned off because you were wearing pointed leather shoes and has Lady Gaga shades and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore, because you love to listen to pop music and I like rock, because you love chick flicks and I don't, because you love shopping and I don't, because you adore Lady Gaga so much you are as Gaga as her and I just want to shoot you down with a Bullet with Butterfly Wings". Although I haven't met anyone like that, yet, through online dating. I can tell, through the conversations and seemingly endless discussions and phone calls and of course... Facebook! It feels like an emotional car crash. Undergoing that cycle several times in a year is fucking sick! So sick it makes me puke and go all berserk! I'm just so tired of it.

So without any second thoughts, I deleted the two profiles, with them are my angst in this crazy game of meet-ups, hang-ups, and break-ups!

Growing old alone

*NOTE: This is something I wrote years ago (with a different title) and was posted in my Friendster blog back in 2005. I said this a year ago "I wanted to edit it a bit and post it in a new hip and popular medium, with a new title." I posted this essay in Facebook. Now I post it here in this blog, with questions... When I was young and was wondering why there are such many old gay men who are alone, I then wrote this. After 5 years of writing this essay, it sure feels different when I am now the subject of questioning of my own writing.


*****


The oldies, referring to the kind of men at the peak of their maturity age. As I took a trip to a distant past of their life. I wondered... What did they do wrong? What went wrong? Why many of the mid-30s to 40 something gay guys are still single? Many more gay guys are wrinkly, old and single. It scared me. Makes me value what I have…. More! I may not have it all. We may not have it all, and we really don’t have it all. But many of us already have someone at our side, in our life, being taken cared of, and having someone to take care of as well. Any same sex relationship that lasts more than a year is considered a long time to many, past that, over the two year period, it may be a milestone already. 5 years? …Are you two soul mates? 10 years… a rare few make it that far. Maybe or almost a lifetime? Boy! You two are each other’s life.

Many gay men don’t make it to that two year mark. 5 years to some; but they eventually break up a few years more. Some make it 10 years, even more that, but they still break up. What is it about gay relationships? Aren’t we all content? Are gay men cannot be contented easily? Are we distracted too easily? Or we just don’t care to what other people say and feel of what our actions will be? We all have priorities in life. But isn’t our dear love ones’ feelings must also be our priority?

Why? What went wrong? I can only think of a few possible answers. Affairs, the “0ther man" may be the culprit. Discontentment. Yes, man is naturally discontented or cannot be contented. Itching is another! …The seven year itch makes it way evaporating the love into thin air. Is there any cure to this? Many of those questions are only answerable when we get to that point in our life. But can the cycle of pain be stopped? Just look at our grandparents. yes they are not gay, but they do love each other, I am so awed and overwhelmed when I get to see old couples still very sweet and caring to each other after all these years! I think one thing that made their relationship strong is courtship. Most gay men don’t know that word. All they do is look at each other, when a there’s a spark then they do it, a spark after a little action, then they become lovers; well, that is mostly how it happens to many couples I know. Some gay couples met "wholesomely". But all in all there is no long term courtship that is happening. I may sound old fashioned here, but look at how many successful and happy grandparents we have! Yes, I agree in separation, if there is really no chance for both parties to be happy together why not separate? But why not be together too? There is a remedy if we wanted to. Bottom-line courtship is a long and slow getting-to-know stage that will rid of future pain and heartaches if ever we might discover something incredibly annoying, unacceptable and unchangeable about our life-partner to be; or the one we are courting. It also proves ones sincerity and persistence.

Can gay men be as loyal? Or maybe not? Given the fact that men are sexual creatures by default, plus they become gay… here comes the ultra man! A Fully charged up creature that is more than a man! He’s gay! Thus, taking control of himself and his cravings are even more challenging, and that leads to another question. Discipline. Which is another topic.

So, as gay men nears the age of 30, mid 30s, he should be thinking of looking for a partner. Waiting for love I think is for the lazy people, a taxi won’t stop if you don’t wave it to stop, a car won’t go if you don’t drive it. So is love. Love will never find you if you won’t look for it. Waiting for love is just like waiting for a banana to drop in your long opened mouth. If you’re already 40++ and still single, boy. Asses yourself. You may have something serious going on in your emotional system. Or maybe worse, something maybe wrong with your head. Or if you think nothing is really wrong with you and you always end up with bad boys with everything bad in them, well, keep your hopes up! A good guy will come your way.

So what did really happen? Why many gay men end up old and single? I cannot say that they’re happy in their lives. Nor I cannot even say if they're miserable in their lives. Who am I to say stuff? Many men are hypocrites!

So am I.

“We can’t have anything we want, but we can have everything we need.”


*****


*POST NOTE: I wrote this essay when I was 22, I am now 27. A lot have changed, and I have gone through a lot. I can really say that my perspectives have changed dramatically since 5 years ago. Still, that question still remains unanswered, why do we remain alone? Why am I still alone?

Individual standards in partner selection changes through time as we gain experience, get hurt, evolve, and make choices to be happier. I am now questioning what I wrote 5 years go, I now realized that after such challenges, ones point of views about life changes. Like what happened to me. I was then a boy, happy, judgmental on how things work or what must we do to improve our lives. Now that I am the topic of my own lashings when I was younger, it feels different. It feels different now that I am one of those men who are nearing the age of 30, and still alone.

Yes, I know we have friends and family, but nothing is more special than the love of that one special person in our lives that we know who constantly cares and thinks of us. Whom we share our life and our soul as well as ourselves. Loneliness is already biting me, living alone for almost three years, I learned to stand on my own and be happy on my own. Still, nothing beats the gratification that I share all these blessing I have with someone very special. I learned to be strong on my own and to be emotionally independent from other people, whether it be my friends or my family. I learned to be on my own, literally and figuratively speaking.

I do not want to find the answers anymore. I have to live with it, like how I am living now with the virus.

Then again, I have God with me, always with me. So I am never, alone.

"Huling Araw"

*You moaned "fuck", I said "you"*

As the music plays, in my place
Cigarette smoke fills it with haze
New memories fills up the space
Of where your dying ones used to be

This is the last time that I will write about you
I haven't been craving, for more
...for your warm bed where, me, you tucked
...nor you and your sweet fuck

You left when I was dying
You left me hanging by a string
I fell dead in the middle of our fling
It was darkness like nothing, to me you bring

As the music plays, in my place
Cigarette smoke fills it with haze
I killed your memories and ours too
Go lie in your bed where you fuck your boys

Go lie in your bed, alone
Waiting for some fuck to come home
As you insert yourself to an empty hole
You screw in your lies into some unfortunate soul

As new music fills my place
New memories take your place
As new music plays in my head
On and on, you're pretty much dead.

For those in pain who are screaming in silence

I just read a blog that I felt so sad for the owner. So I thought to post a song full of angst and pain. The song is so fitting for most of us.

@Inmyhead, this is for you and for all of us, who are so sick!

"I'm So Sick"
- FLYLEAF

I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now

Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick