Being a man living with HIV is something shocking to most people or everyone. It has been more than a year since I got diagnosed, and if my calculations are correct, I have been living with the virus since 2008. Having HIV has always been my fear when I was younger. Year 2007, when I watched Rent for the first time, I was very depressed for a week after watching it. I don't want to be one of those bohemians who has AIDS. I don't want to count days when I will die or how long do I have left. I was scared, very scared that everyday I pray to God... "please, don't let me have HIV, please take care of me and protect me from it". I was afraid that if ever I have it, my life will end before I even enjoy it fully, that I will not be able to reach my dreams and goals in life and not being able to know how it is to live. I was afraid that I will be different, abnormally different, someone sick, someone weak. I was afraid to be someone who is being pitied at.
2010, in the middle of summer, on a very hot afternoon. I got a call from Fred, an ex of mine. He said in a sad and shaky yet commanding voice that he just found out he has HIV, I didn't know how to react. After a few minutes of silence, I was able to utter a few words, like the usual "how are you?", "how are you feeling?", "what made you take the test?". He said that someone sent him a text message saying he should get tested because that person has just been diagnosed. He was determined to know who sent the message, I am just not sure if he was able to know who it really was. That day was still normal for me, I was sad for Fred, but I felt nothing for myself. After our somewhat long conversation, I immediately made a research on HIV testing centers. I listed down phone numbers and locations of hospitals where I can take the test. Of course, on top of the list was San Lazaro Hospital. The next day, Monday morning, I called up the phone numbers of San Lazaro Hospital. I asked the guy over the phone on how to get there and where and how can I have the HIV test. The guy was very friendly, so I was excited to take the test. I arrived in the hospital late afternoon. After two weeks, I got the result, and a series of life changing moments started to take place. It was a rebirth for me. That knowledge set me free from self doubts and fears. However, the first few weeks weren't easy at all. There were more fears, the fears that I have been dreading all those years were finally at their very peak.
Watching Rent for the nth time was never the same again, knowing that I too, has HIV, just like most of the characters in that very popular musical. I felt like I was one of them, freethinking and free spirited bohemians living their lives and living life, writing songs, making music, singing, living with the virus.
I am only scared of that moment where one will lay in bed, dying... then dead. It is a sad truth that nobody dare to talk about. All of us will die in whatever way, everyone, HIV positive or not. The only difference is that we (people living with HIV) are widely aware that if we are not extra careful with our health we can die faster than everyone else. Being scared is normal, being scared is okay. I too, am scared, I am constantly scared, but I face it, I swallow that fear, because no matter what I do, there will be threats. I just walk on by, being careful each step of the way. People living with HIV have a constantly deteriorating immune system, that only a lifetime of medicines can help slow down or stop. For us to have a close to normal immune system and to survive longer, we have to make sure that our health is on top condition. We have to make sure that our organs and the rest of our body are all functioning well and are free of other viruses and diseases. Thus, making us some of the supposedly healthiest individuals alive. Ironically, we have the healthiest body that's on constant threat from many diseases. As many say and it is true, that we can die from something that normal people will just sleep off and get well the next day.
After all the depression I've gone through during the first weeks, after all of my revelations to my closest friends, talks with my dad, prayers, looking back and thinking forward; I can say that I am living a better life. Better, because I now have a better outlook. I sorted my priorities, and I am going after my dreams and fighting for what I believe. Reaching out to many, making them realize that HIV is not the end of the world, but a start of a new beginning. There are and will always be challenges along the way with this fragile body, but it is the strength of our soul that can walk us towards a brighter tomorrow. I can say that I am still normal, I feel normal, and I am obligated to be happy. After all, happiness is a choice. I am living healthier, I am thinking healthier, and dreaming more. HIV has been a catalyst for a better life for me. I quit dying the moment I realized I have a lot to live for. The virus made me realize that lingering in depression on something that happened in the past is a very worthless way to spend time. Forget regrets, after all, what happened to us now, is something that we inflicted ourselves in one way or another, so we have to accept and face it. One big thing I realized is that self acceptance is a major step to becoming happy. There are always something to look back may it be good or bad, but there's only one way towards a better future, and we have to face it chin up, with a brave perspective and a smile. Look back, think forward, act now.
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thinning depression
MID 2009
I miss my old body, just last 2009 until the early quarters of this year, I can still wear shirts sizes XS and S. Now I can only wear large shirts. Damn it feels great to eat, but it feels worse to have a low esteem caused by a wobbly built. Every pound I gain is a level down on my self-esteem scale.
Just a few weeks ago, a kid at the nearby store said "ang sungit ng mamang mataba". People I don't know address me these days as "mama" or "manong" or "kuya". This extra pounds I bare made me look old too. (sigh)
When I was thin, strangers address me as "iho" or "boy". Last year, cashiers at 711 stores ask me to show them my ID before they can give me a pack of cigarettes, it happened in 4 different 711 stores along Taft, and in Makati. Roving guards and policemen often stop me during my evening photoshoots in Manila, in Intramuros in particular. Asking me for my ID and why I was still on the streets at that time of night, asking me where I study and if I have classes the next day. (sigh)
I really have to lose this extra pounds. My target date is fast approaching. My grandest birthday gift for myself is to lose such weight and to greet 2011 with a better body, be in better shape, be fitter, and have a much healthier body; despite of the virus in my blood. With precaution and proper nutrition, I hope dieting and the speedy weight lost won't have much negative effect on my CD4 count.
I long to live longer.
MID 2005
I miss my old body, just last 2009 until the early quarters of this year, I can still wear shirts sizes XS and S. Now I can only wear large shirts. Damn it feels great to eat, but it feels worse to have a low esteem caused by a wobbly built. Every pound I gain is a level down on my self-esteem scale.
Just a few weeks ago, a kid at the nearby store said "ang sungit ng mamang mataba". People I don't know address me these days as "mama" or "manong" or "kuya". This extra pounds I bare made me look old too. (sigh)
When I was thin, strangers address me as "iho" or "boy". Last year, cashiers at 711 stores ask me to show them my ID before they can give me a pack of cigarettes, it happened in 4 different 711 stores along Taft, and in Makati. Roving guards and policemen often stop me during my evening photoshoots in Manila, in Intramuros in particular. Asking me for my ID and why I was still on the streets at that time of night, asking me where I study and if I have classes the next day. (sigh)
I really have to lose this extra pounds. My target date is fast approaching. My grandest birthday gift for myself is to lose such weight and to greet 2011 with a better body, be in better shape, be fitter, and have a much healthier body; despite of the virus in my blood. With precaution and proper nutrition, I hope dieting and the speedy weight lost won't have much negative effect on my CD4 count.
I long to live longer.
MID 2005
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Factors that affect the immune system
Here is something I found online that will definitely help keep us healthy. Stuff that we have to avoid to keep our immune system as healthy as possible. To the people like me who are living with HIV/AIDS, read carefully below. I know that we can no longer save our immune system, but at least, we can decelerate its shut down by natural means.
Factors that Affect the Immune System
GOOD:
Natural diet, happiness and serenity, high morale, a positive attitude, adequate rest and sleep, fresh air, physical exercise.
ADVERSE:
I. MOST COMMON
1.) toxemia from dietary errors, constipation.
2.) dietary deficiencies, in particular Vitamin C; worry.
3.) chemicals from different sources including fluoride, chlorine, etc in water supplies, pesticide residues in food, other chemicals in food; and
4.)medicine--aspirin, tranquilizers, cough mixtures, etc.
II. MORE SEVERE
1.) alcohol
2.) smoking
3.) overweight
4.) overwork, fatigue
5.) mental trauma--anger, pain, worry, frustration, grief, fear.
6.) physical trauma--sexual excesses, excessive athletic training, prolonged discomfort, heat, cold.
7.) chemical trauma--mercury in amalgam tooth fillings, poisons from infected teeth, poisons from insect bites, ticks, etc, septicemia, common medicines, prescription medicines, antibiotics, vaccinations.
III. VERY SEVERE
1.) severe malnutrition--junk food, high sugar, high salt, high fat, high cholesterol, severe vitamin C deficiency.
2.) all drugs used habitually whether taken intravenously, orally or inhaled, including marijuana, etc and antibiotics.
3.) bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness and
mental trauma of voodoo or bone-pointing death sentence by shaman, witch doctor, or modern physician.
After reading this, I thought that I am already killing myself with items II. 1,2,3,4,5 and items III. 3 - "bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness"
source: http://chestofbooks.com/health/natural-cure/Ross-Horne/Health-and-Survival-in-the-21st-Century/
Factors that Affect the Immune System
GOOD:
Natural diet, happiness and serenity, high morale, a positive attitude, adequate rest and sleep, fresh air, physical exercise.
ADVERSE:
I. MOST COMMON
1.) toxemia from dietary errors, constipation.
2.) dietary deficiencies, in particular Vitamin C; worry.
3.) chemicals from different sources including fluoride, chlorine, etc in water supplies, pesticide residues in food, other chemicals in food; and
4.)medicine--aspirin, tranquilizers, cough mixtures, etc.
II. MORE SEVERE
1.) alcohol
2.) smoking
3.) overweight
4.) overwork, fatigue
5.) mental trauma--anger, pain, worry, frustration, grief, fear.
6.) physical trauma--sexual excesses, excessive athletic training, prolonged discomfort, heat, cold.
7.) chemical trauma--mercury in amalgam tooth fillings, poisons from infected teeth, poisons from insect bites, ticks, etc, septicemia, common medicines, prescription medicines, antibiotics, vaccinations.
III. VERY SEVERE
1.) severe malnutrition--junk food, high sugar, high salt, high fat, high cholesterol, severe vitamin C deficiency.
2.) all drugs used habitually whether taken intravenously, orally or inhaled, including marijuana, etc and antibiotics.
3.) bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness and
mental trauma of voodoo or bone-pointing death sentence by shaman, witch doctor, or modern physician.
After reading this, I thought that I am already killing myself with items II. 1,2,3,4,5 and items III. 3 - "bereavement, low self-esteem, guilt, hopelessness"
source: http://chestofbooks.com/health/natural-cure/Ross-Horne/Health-and-Survival-in-the-21st-Century/
Monday, August 2, 2010
Of open wounds and a dying body
After finishing the drama series 1 Liter of Tears. I thought, what the heck... I really couldn't relate myself that much to what I just watched. It was about someone with an incurable disease, but it's much worse than what I have now. I was not able to relate and I found myself somewhat lost in the middle of watching it. It was about being with a very supportive family. It was mainly about love and family. The main character was surrounded by her big family, her mom was there to always watch over her, her dad who was there to protect here, her siblings who are guides and who are also watching her.
As the series progresses, I somehow put myself into the character's shoes. Did I had a family? Was I ever taken cared of as a child? I realized, I never felt that I had a family. Growing up without a dad, with my mom whom I hated so much, a stepdad that I wished would be dead (he is now), a half brother that I denied for so long. All of those things came in mind as I watched the ending series. I never had a family or at least I never felt I had one.
I have wanted so much and for so long to have a family. I grew up believing and feeling that everything was kept from me, my freedom, my future, my dad. I hated my mom for everything she did to me, to my childhood, and for ruining our family. I know she wanted to keep me as her son, and she believed that she can raise me alone. I thought otherwise. I dreamt of someday being free and on my own. That, I am living now.
I left my old life behind, lived in solitude and in the comfort of loneliness. Some came along, but I guess, we have to be broken in order for us to understand things even more and see what needed to be seen within ourselves, and realize what needed to be fixed for us to move along this web of life.
I already have scars and still have open wounds. Forgiveness looms somewhere in my cold heart, 'till that day comes and as the water of hate runs dry. I hold on to my broken past to fuel my passion to walk forward. I know it's wrong but it is the only way for me not to repeat the darkness of what was. I do pray to God that he give me the strength to find forgiveness in my cold and dark heart.
As you all know as well as most people close to me already know. I am living with an incurable disease. I don't know how many more years I still have before I reach the final stages of HIV. Most people know it takes 10 years before this becomes full blown and becomes AIDS, but it will also depend on the overall health of the person. I have been in terrible pain this past few days. I have to have all of my impacted tooth removed before my CD4 cells go down further, I already started to feel pain in my stomach and I have UTI. I already have been taking antibiotics and a lot of pain relievers. I will go to the dentist soon, perhaps tomorrow. I need to take care of myself more and more each day. Sometimes I forget that I am sick, I forget that I am unlike most people with healthy immune systems, I often forget that it is not okay for me to catch a cold or cough or get soaked in rain or get tired or not have enough sleep... They are not okay for me anymore. I often forget that my immune system is slowly shutting down. One day, a simple cold will kill me. So as early as now, I must do whatever I can not to get sick while I still have enough antibodies to heal myself of any infections. I must do everything I can to become healthier. The fight to stay alive has barely began, so I must prepare.
There are still a lot I want to do, there are still wounds I have to heal, and everytime I play one of my favorite songs and as it reaches the peak of its message and chorus, I never forget to say... God, I am not ready to come home.
As the series progresses, I somehow put myself into the character's shoes. Did I had a family? Was I ever taken cared of as a child? I realized, I never felt that I had a family. Growing up without a dad, with my mom whom I hated so much, a stepdad that I wished would be dead (he is now), a half brother that I denied for so long. All of those things came in mind as I watched the ending series. I never had a family or at least I never felt I had one.
I have wanted so much and for so long to have a family. I grew up believing and feeling that everything was kept from me, my freedom, my future, my dad. I hated my mom for everything she did to me, to my childhood, and for ruining our family. I know she wanted to keep me as her son, and she believed that she can raise me alone. I thought otherwise. I dreamt of someday being free and on my own. That, I am living now.
I left my old life behind, lived in solitude and in the comfort of loneliness. Some came along, but I guess, we have to be broken in order for us to understand things even more and see what needed to be seen within ourselves, and realize what needed to be fixed for us to move along this web of life.
I already have scars and still have open wounds. Forgiveness looms somewhere in my cold heart, 'till that day comes and as the water of hate runs dry. I hold on to my broken past to fuel my passion to walk forward. I know it's wrong but it is the only way for me not to repeat the darkness of what was. I do pray to God that he give me the strength to find forgiveness in my cold and dark heart.
As you all know as well as most people close to me already know. I am living with an incurable disease. I don't know how many more years I still have before I reach the final stages of HIV. Most people know it takes 10 years before this becomes full blown and becomes AIDS, but it will also depend on the overall health of the person. I have been in terrible pain this past few days. I have to have all of my impacted tooth removed before my CD4 cells go down further, I already started to feel pain in my stomach and I have UTI. I already have been taking antibiotics and a lot of pain relievers. I will go to the dentist soon, perhaps tomorrow. I need to take care of myself more and more each day. Sometimes I forget that I am sick, I forget that I am unlike most people with healthy immune systems, I often forget that it is not okay for me to catch a cold or cough or get soaked in rain or get tired or not have enough sleep... They are not okay for me anymore. I often forget that my immune system is slowly shutting down. One day, a simple cold will kill me. So as early as now, I must do whatever I can not to get sick while I still have enough antibodies to heal myself of any infections. I must do everything I can to become healthier. The fight to stay alive has barely began, so I must prepare.
There are still a lot I want to do, there are still wounds I have to heal, and everytime I play one of my favorite songs and as it reaches the peak of its message and chorus, I never forget to say... God, I am not ready to come home.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Of ballooning weight and getting back into shape
Since I got diagnosed, I changed my lifestyle a lot. I mean a lot... I cut down enormously on smoking and together with my new perspectives in life are my eating habits. I am now very careful with what I eat, but also, I also got carried away with this I-need-to-be-healthy regimen of mine. I lost control of my appetite.
I have been having issues with my weight since I started working, which was 5 years ago. I used to weight 128 lbs, that was back in highschool, gained some lean muscles in college and I weight 130. I was lean, I got 6 pack abs and a nice chest, well-defined biceps and thighs. I was into yoga, swimming, running, and bouldering... I was into all those sports almost at the same time. That was before all the stress of the corporate world came. Even before I started working, I rarely eat land animals, I rarely drink carbonated and artificially made beverages. Instead, I was addicted to green tea and milk. I had a discipline of only eating twice a day without snacks in between meals, I also had the discipline to measure all I eat. I was almost normal, I pig out like any glutton out there on parties and special occasions, but I bounce back to my abnormal self of a disciplined eater. So what happened? Stress found me and along came the discovery of uncontrolled eating. I grew to as much as 150lbs, I'm only 5'3".
Last year (2009), I got severely depressed because of many different reasons that I already buried (now). Because of of emotional distress and insecurity issues I did not eat for more than a month. Fine! I did eat, two days every week. For workweeks, I did not eat anything at all, I drink not just water, but two liters of Nestea Fit (the one with 900mg of L-Carnitine) everyday. I lost 35lbs in 3 weeks. I was back to 130lbs in less than a month. The catch was, I looked dry, sick, and fragile. Well I was already sick then (with HIV), I just did not know about it until last April of this year. But oh boy! I was a happy lad. my tummy was flat, I can wear shirts I haven't worn for a long time! I was lean for a period of time. Until I knew I have it.
I know the diet/fasting I did last year might have killed me. Beauty has a price they say, luckily I don't feel any tummy-related sicknesses, yet.
I went earlier to our office clinic and now I weight a whopping 152lbs! Fuck! Some of pants are already tight and all of my boxers are tight as well! My shirts make me look like I'm a hotdog with a tight plastic skin on it! I really have to do something with my body.
I want to see and feel my abs again and those V-cut lines of muscles on my thighs and that almost V-shaped indention of muscle on the sides of my groin. My action plan is in line with this bohemian thing going on, eat greens. Not all vegetables are expensive, some types of fish are still cheaper than land animal meat. Most of all, get back into sports! I can do it. I need to get back into that Yogi-Buddhist-Bohemian-Pescetarian-Sporty lifestyle I used to practice.
I say no to:
1.) Fastfood
2.) Artificial drinks - Carbonated beverages, instant/powdered juices/teas.
3.) Supermarket fruits and vegetables - most fruits and veggies in the grocery are superfed with pesticides.
4.) Processed foods
5.) Land animals!
I did it before. I can do it again.
Discliamer: I can have cheat days - there will be days when we have no time to cook or nowhere else to eat but in the friendly neighborhood fastfood joint.
Target weight: 125lbs
Target date: November 15, 2010.
By that time I can pose nude for that much awaited photoshoot for my photographer friend! LOL!
Whew. Here I go. Day one.
I have been having issues with my weight since I started working, which was 5 years ago. I used to weight 128 lbs, that was back in highschool, gained some lean muscles in college and I weight 130. I was lean, I got 6 pack abs and a nice chest, well-defined biceps and thighs. I was into yoga, swimming, running, and bouldering... I was into all those sports almost at the same time. That was before all the stress of the corporate world came. Even before I started working, I rarely eat land animals, I rarely drink carbonated and artificially made beverages. Instead, I was addicted to green tea and milk. I had a discipline of only eating twice a day without snacks in between meals, I also had the discipline to measure all I eat. I was almost normal, I pig out like any glutton out there on parties and special occasions, but I bounce back to my abnormal self of a disciplined eater. So what happened? Stress found me and along came the discovery of uncontrolled eating. I grew to as much as 150lbs, I'm only 5'3".
Last year (2009), I got severely depressed because of many different reasons that I already buried (now). Because of of emotional distress and insecurity issues I did not eat for more than a month. Fine! I did eat, two days every week. For workweeks, I did not eat anything at all, I drink not just water, but two liters of Nestea Fit (the one with 900mg of L-Carnitine) everyday. I lost 35lbs in 3 weeks. I was back to 130lbs in less than a month. The catch was, I looked dry, sick, and fragile. Well I was already sick then (with HIV), I just did not know about it until last April of this year. But oh boy! I was a happy lad. my tummy was flat, I can wear shirts I haven't worn for a long time! I was lean for a period of time. Until I knew I have it.
I know the diet/fasting I did last year might have killed me. Beauty has a price they say, luckily I don't feel any tummy-related sicknesses, yet.
I went earlier to our office clinic and now I weight a whopping 152lbs! Fuck! Some of pants are already tight and all of my boxers are tight as well! My shirts make me look like I'm a hotdog with a tight plastic skin on it! I really have to do something with my body.
I want to see and feel my abs again and those V-cut lines of muscles on my thighs and that almost V-shaped indention of muscle on the sides of my groin. My action plan is in line with this bohemian thing going on, eat greens. Not all vegetables are expensive, some types of fish are still cheaper than land animal meat. Most of all, get back into sports! I can do it. I need to get back into that Yogi-Buddhist-Bohemian-Pescetarian-Sporty lifestyle I used to practice.
I say no to:
1.) Fastfood
2.) Artificial drinks - Carbonated beverages, instant/powdered juices/teas.
3.) Supermarket fruits and vegetables - most fruits and veggies in the grocery are superfed with pesticides.
4.) Processed foods
5.) Land animals!
I did it before. I can do it again.
Discliamer: I can have cheat days - there will be days when we have no time to cook or nowhere else to eat but in the friendly neighborhood fastfood joint.
Target weight: 125lbs
Target date: November 15, 2010.
By that time I can pose nude for that much awaited photoshoot for my photographer friend! LOL!
Whew. Here I go. Day one.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Answered prayer
Since I was diagnosed, God knows that I have been crying and needing for someone to be at my side. It was answered through my friends and family however, a question of a life partner lingered on. God knows that I have questions about who or if I will ever find someone to accept me as who and what I am, now that I am living with HIV.
It was answered all along, I just did not listen hard enough at first. There was an echo, a calling, that he has been there all along. I listened to what seems to a be a distant call.
Thank you God, for letting us cross each other's paths. Thank you, for letting him accept not just who, but what I am. Thank you God, for the answered prayer and for this gift. I promise you that I will take good care of this gift with all my heart and soul, with my every breath and heart beat, I will love him the way I love you.
Thank you Pong, For letting me in your life, embracing life and being alive, with me.
Friday, June 25, 2010
My lifestyle evolution
I will undergo another evolution in my life. This time, with a help from the Goth-chick friend of mine. She has been with me for quite a long time and she has been a quiet conscience and a guide of when it comes to life's decision making. Last night we talked over AIM for a bit and told her about my goals this year, and she pointed out some sub-categories in my goals that I have missed out.
I told her that this time, I have to adhere to all my plans and goals and I want to fulfill each one of them, specially the financial aspect of my goals. It has been quite hard for me to save, because I spend too much on things that I don't really need and splurge on things that I can do somewhere else cheaper. Having HIV means I have to save up for future medical expenses knowing the fact that my HMO will not support any diseases that may be related to it. One fact is that I cannot disclose my status to the HMO doctors for them to treat my future diseases properly, else, they will cut me off of my benefits. That said, I really have to save money for the future and to invest wisely on things that will help improve my health and well being.
Hello to more ukay-ukay and surplus shops! Goodbye to expensive signature brands and shoes as well as department stores. Well I have been shopping in ukay-ukay shops since I became independent. I also have to check what do I need in my condo, I will not buy a sofa anymore and a dining set. I can eat on the floor and the Uratex folding foam that turns either into a mini sofa or a single bed will be enough for me and my guests. I will just have to buy a few meters and kinds of fabric to cover it. I also have to buy a little dining table, Japanese style of course to match my bamboo carpet, and more dark shade curtains.
I must also start cooking my own meals and packing lunch for work. That way I will be able to save up and eat healthier foods. However, I want a Tiger lunch box, they say it can keep food warm for hours. I am excited on cooking again, even just for myself. I used to cook for my special man, but I don't have one now, thus lack of urge to cook, I just have to. Weekly dinning out with the Goth-chick will be replaced by weekly dinners at my place instead, both of us can cook so we can do it here, eat dinner and have wine.
Finances are one big reason I am going bohemian, it's voluntary poverty on an artistic aspect. Aside from I adore the lifestyle of the freethinking man and following one's sense of right and wrong. I like the idea of immersing oneself to his art and living it. I don't consider myself artistic, but I know that I am passionate and expressive.
Hmm... with all those said, when will I be able to buy the 24-105mm F4 L lens that I have been dreaming and craving for? Perhaps not anytime soon.
I told her that this time, I have to adhere to all my plans and goals and I want to fulfill each one of them, specially the financial aspect of my goals. It has been quite hard for me to save, because I spend too much on things that I don't really need and splurge on things that I can do somewhere else cheaper. Having HIV means I have to save up for future medical expenses knowing the fact that my HMO will not support any diseases that may be related to it. One fact is that I cannot disclose my status to the HMO doctors for them to treat my future diseases properly, else, they will cut me off of my benefits. That said, I really have to save money for the future and to invest wisely on things that will help improve my health and well being.
Hello to more ukay-ukay and surplus shops! Goodbye to expensive signature brands and shoes as well as department stores. Well I have been shopping in ukay-ukay shops since I became independent. I also have to check what do I need in my condo, I will not buy a sofa anymore and a dining set. I can eat on the floor and the Uratex folding foam that turns either into a mini sofa or a single bed will be enough for me and my guests. I will just have to buy a few meters and kinds of fabric to cover it. I also have to buy a little dining table, Japanese style of course to match my bamboo carpet, and more dark shade curtains.
I must also start cooking my own meals and packing lunch for work. That way I will be able to save up and eat healthier foods. However, I want a Tiger lunch box, they say it can keep food warm for hours. I am excited on cooking again, even just for myself. I used to cook for my special man, but I don't have one now, thus lack of urge to cook, I just have to. Weekly dinning out with the Goth-chick will be replaced by weekly dinners at my place instead, both of us can cook so we can do it here, eat dinner and have wine.
Finances are one big reason I am going bohemian, it's voluntary poverty on an artistic aspect. Aside from I adore the lifestyle of the freethinking man and following one's sense of right and wrong. I like the idea of immersing oneself to his art and living it. I don't consider myself artistic, but I know that I am passionate and expressive.
Hmm... with all those said, when will I be able to buy the 24-105mm F4 L lens that I have been dreaming and craving for? Perhaps not anytime soon.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I left the Planet of Romeo
I have been in the online dating scene for quite a long time, and I am very happy to admit that I have met very few good men. Because of my "non-commercial" taste in men and my aloofness in meeting strangers online, meet-ups were all worth my time. I can also say that in many years that I have been online, I only met quite a handful, they were carefully filtered, and I can still count them in one hand.
I have two profiles in Planetromeo.com, 1 have a normal one, that has my face pics and states how normal I am, and another one that says I have HIV and has a body pic with 6 pack abs, of course that was my real photo. The HIV profile was created a week ago and have received an overwhelmingly high number of views, the sad part is, almost nobody sent me a message. If there was any it was of pity, or questions like... "Why are you here?" "Why do you have HIV?" "Are you really sick?" "Why are you still in this site and spreading the virus?"
Some questions are really just annoying. Of course, because of my willingness to educate, I answered some, with detailed explanations. I have experienced stigmas. I have a great body pic and showed significant signs of intelligence in my profile statements, I got a lot of views, but as I said, only questions were mostly sent. I feel that they were afraid of me, I felt like an outcast of society, online at least. I felt nobody wanted me because I have HIV.
There were two guys, hot guys, who offered sex despite of me being HIV positive. They were hot, horny and not afraid of the virus. They know all about it and the needed precautions, which I admired. I refused the offer, I did not hesitate to tell them that sex is the least of my priorities. I always have great respect for my body, now that I have a new lease on life; that respect is greater than ever.
To the normal profile, same shit goes, the usual "hellos", the usual conversations, the usual cycle. It is just so tiring to find myself in great conversation with someone whose words are just like gravity to me. After a while, we text, then we talk on the phone; which is the last thing in my "pre-meet-up" process. I may sound shallow, but sometimes it all ends there. One phone call is all it takes for me to judge if the person I have been exchanging messages with online is someone I might like as a whole. Come on, I may say that I am looking for new friends, but my primary goal on why I am there in that website is to somehow get hooked up with someone that can be a possible boyfriend. So, if I don't like the way he sounds over the phone or if we don't have anything to talk about at all, that's it! Then the cycle begins once more. I send someone a message or someone sends me message and there it goes again... Blah, blah, blah, blah...
It's tiring.
I realized that if I want to meet new people, it will be in the more "socially-present" way. Where I can see them, they can see me, and there are actual eye contacts as well as actual verbal exchanges. Sure, I closed a big door of opportunities of meeting someone significant with tens of thousands of gay men online, but if the cycle of "his" and "hellos" continues, I might be a zombie someday. I don't want to be a slave to the monotony of the online dating scene, I don't want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I value eye to eye contact, that way, there are instances of proper observation, communication, attraction, gravitation. Unlike online, there are these abrupt feelings and thoughts that I often undergo and let go... "I like you"-> "I am thinking of you"->"I really like you"->"I think it's time for us to meet"->"I got turned off because you were wearing pointed leather shoes and has Lady Gaga shades and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore, because you love to listen to pop music and I like rock, because you love chick flicks and I don't, because you love shopping and I don't, because you adore Lady Gaga so much you are as Gaga as her and I just want to shoot you down with a Bullet with Butterfly Wings". Although I haven't met anyone like that, yet, through online dating. I can tell, through the conversations and seemingly endless discussions and phone calls and of course... Facebook! It feels like an emotional car crash. Undergoing that cycle several times in a year is fucking sick! So sick it makes me puke and go all berserk! I'm just so tired of it.
So without any second thoughts, I deleted the two profiles, with them are my angst in this crazy game of meet-ups, hang-ups, and break-ups!
I have two profiles in Planetromeo.com, 1 have a normal one, that has my face pics and states how normal I am, and another one that says I have HIV and has a body pic with 6 pack abs, of course that was my real photo. The HIV profile was created a week ago and have received an overwhelmingly high number of views, the sad part is, almost nobody sent me a message. If there was any it was of pity, or questions like... "Why are you here?" "Why do you have HIV?" "Are you really sick?" "Why are you still in this site and spreading the virus?"
Some questions are really just annoying. Of course, because of my willingness to educate, I answered some, with detailed explanations. I have experienced stigmas. I have a great body pic and showed significant signs of intelligence in my profile statements, I got a lot of views, but as I said, only questions were mostly sent. I feel that they were afraid of me, I felt like an outcast of society, online at least. I felt nobody wanted me because I have HIV.
There were two guys, hot guys, who offered sex despite of me being HIV positive. They were hot, horny and not afraid of the virus. They know all about it and the needed precautions, which I admired. I refused the offer, I did not hesitate to tell them that sex is the least of my priorities. I always have great respect for my body, now that I have a new lease on life; that respect is greater than ever.
To the normal profile, same shit goes, the usual "hellos", the usual conversations, the usual cycle. It is just so tiring to find myself in great conversation with someone whose words are just like gravity to me. After a while, we text, then we talk on the phone; which is the last thing in my "pre-meet-up" process. I may sound shallow, but sometimes it all ends there. One phone call is all it takes for me to judge if the person I have been exchanging messages with online is someone I might like as a whole. Come on, I may say that I am looking for new friends, but my primary goal on why I am there in that website is to somehow get hooked up with someone that can be a possible boyfriend. So, if I don't like the way he sounds over the phone or if we don't have anything to talk about at all, that's it! Then the cycle begins once more. I send someone a message or someone sends me message and there it goes again... Blah, blah, blah, blah...
It's tiring.
I realized that if I want to meet new people, it will be in the more "socially-present" way. Where I can see them, they can see me, and there are actual eye contacts as well as actual verbal exchanges. Sure, I closed a big door of opportunities of meeting someone significant with tens of thousands of gay men online, but if the cycle of "his" and "hellos" continues, I might be a zombie someday. I don't want to be a slave to the monotony of the online dating scene, I don't want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I value eye to eye contact, that way, there are instances of proper observation, communication, attraction, gravitation. Unlike online, there are these abrupt feelings and thoughts that I often undergo and let go... "I like you"-> "I am thinking of you"->"I really like you"->"I think it's time for us to meet"->"I got turned off because you were wearing pointed leather shoes and has Lady Gaga shades and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore, because you love to listen to pop music and I like rock, because you love chick flicks and I don't, because you love shopping and I don't, because you adore Lady Gaga so much you are as Gaga as her and I just want to shoot you down with a Bullet with Butterfly Wings". Although I haven't met anyone like that, yet, through online dating. I can tell, through the conversations and seemingly endless discussions and phone calls and of course... Facebook! It feels like an emotional car crash. Undergoing that cycle several times in a year is fucking sick! So sick it makes me puke and go all berserk! I'm just so tired of it.
So without any second thoughts, I deleted the two profiles, with them are my angst in this crazy game of meet-ups, hang-ups, and break-ups!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Growing old alone
*NOTE: This is something I wrote years ago (with a different title) and was posted in my Friendster blog back in 2005. I said this a year ago "I wanted to edit it a bit and post it in a new hip and popular medium, with a new title." I posted this essay in Facebook. Now I post it here in this blog, with questions... When I was young and was wondering why there are such many old gay men who are alone, I then wrote this. After 5 years of writing this essay, it sure feels different when I am now the subject of questioning of my own writing.
*****
The oldies, referring to the kind of men at the peak of their maturity age. As I took a trip to a distant past of their life. I wondered... What did they do wrong? What went wrong? Why many of the mid-30s to 40 something gay guys are still single? Many more gay guys are wrinkly, old and single. It scared me. Makes me value what I have…. More! I may not have it all. We may not have it all, and we really don’t have it all. But many of us already have someone at our side, in our life, being taken cared of, and having someone to take care of as well. Any same sex relationship that lasts more than a year is considered a long time to many, past that, over the two year period, it may be a milestone already. 5 years? …Are you two soul mates? 10 years… a rare few make it that far. Maybe or almost a lifetime? Boy! You two are each other’s life.
Many gay men don’t make it to that two year mark. 5 years to some; but they eventually break up a few years more. Some make it 10 years, even more that, but they still break up. What is it about gay relationships? Aren’t we all content? Are gay men cannot be contented easily? Are we distracted too easily? Or we just don’t care to what other people say and feel of what our actions will be? We all have priorities in life. But isn’t our dear love ones’ feelings must also be our priority?
Why? What went wrong? I can only think of a few possible answers. Affairs, the “0ther man" may be the culprit. Discontentment. Yes, man is naturally discontented or cannot be contented. Itching is another! …The seven year itch makes it way evaporating the love into thin air. Is there any cure to this? Many of those questions are only answerable when we get to that point in our life. But can the cycle of pain be stopped? Just look at our grandparents. yes they are not gay, but they do love each other, I am so awed and overwhelmed when I get to see old couples still very sweet and caring to each other after all these years! I think one thing that made their relationship strong is courtship. Most gay men don’t know that word. All they do is look at each other, when a there’s a spark then they do it, a spark after a little action, then they become lovers; well, that is mostly how it happens to many couples I know. Some gay couples met "wholesomely". But all in all there is no long term courtship that is happening. I may sound old fashioned here, but look at how many successful and happy grandparents we have! Yes, I agree in separation, if there is really no chance for both parties to be happy together why not separate? But why not be together too? There is a remedy if we wanted to. Bottom-line courtship is a long and slow getting-to-know stage that will rid of future pain and heartaches if ever we might discover something incredibly annoying, unacceptable and unchangeable about our life-partner to be; or the one we are courting. It also proves ones sincerity and persistence.
Can gay men be as loyal? Or maybe not? Given the fact that men are sexual creatures by default, plus they become gay… here comes the ultra man! A Fully charged up creature that is more than a man! He’s gay! Thus, taking control of himself and his cravings are even more challenging, and that leads to another question. Discipline. Which is another topic.
So, as gay men nears the age of 30, mid 30s, he should be thinking of looking for a partner. Waiting for love I think is for the lazy people, a taxi won’t stop if you don’t wave it to stop, a car won’t go if you don’t drive it. So is love. Love will never find you if you won’t look for it. Waiting for love is just like waiting for a banana to drop in your long opened mouth. If you’re already 40++ and still single, boy. Asses yourself. You may have something serious going on in your emotional system. Or maybe worse, something maybe wrong with your head. Or if you think nothing is really wrong with you and you always end up with bad boys with everything bad in them, well, keep your hopes up! A good guy will come your way.
So what did really happen? Why many gay men end up old and single? I cannot say that they’re happy in their lives. Nor I cannot even say if they're miserable in their lives. Who am I to say stuff? Many men are hypocrites!
So am I.
“We can’t have anything we want, but we can have everything we need.”
*****
*POST NOTE: I wrote this essay when I was 22, I am now 27. A lot have changed, and I have gone through a lot. I can really say that my perspectives have changed dramatically since 5 years ago. Still, that question still remains unanswered, why do we remain alone? Why am I still alone?
Individual standards in partner selection changes through time as we gain experience, get hurt, evolve, and make choices to be happier. I am now questioning what I wrote 5 years go, I now realized that after such challenges, ones point of views about life changes. Like what happened to me. I was then a boy, happy, judgmental on how things work or what must we do to improve our lives. Now that I am the topic of my own lashings when I was younger, it feels different. It feels different now that I am one of those men who are nearing the age of 30, and still alone.
Yes, I know we have friends and family, but nothing is more special than the love of that one special person in our lives that we know who constantly cares and thinks of us. Whom we share our life and our soul as well as ourselves. Loneliness is already biting me, living alone for almost three years, I learned to stand on my own and be happy on my own. Still, nothing beats the gratification that I share all these blessing I have with someone very special. I learned to be strong on my own and to be emotionally independent from other people, whether it be my friends or my family. I learned to be on my own, literally and figuratively speaking.
I do not want to find the answers anymore. I have to live with it, like how I am living now with the virus.
Then again, I have God with me, always with me. So I am never, alone.
*****
The oldies, referring to the kind of men at the peak of their maturity age. As I took a trip to a distant past of their life. I wondered... What did they do wrong? What went wrong? Why many of the mid-30s to 40 something gay guys are still single? Many more gay guys are wrinkly, old and single. It scared me. Makes me value what I have…. More! I may not have it all. We may not have it all, and we really don’t have it all. But many of us already have someone at our side, in our life, being taken cared of, and having someone to take care of as well. Any same sex relationship that lasts more than a year is considered a long time to many, past that, over the two year period, it may be a milestone already. 5 years? …Are you two soul mates? 10 years… a rare few make it that far. Maybe or almost a lifetime? Boy! You two are each other’s life.
Many gay men don’t make it to that two year mark. 5 years to some; but they eventually break up a few years more. Some make it 10 years, even more that, but they still break up. What is it about gay relationships? Aren’t we all content? Are gay men cannot be contented easily? Are we distracted too easily? Or we just don’t care to what other people say and feel of what our actions will be? We all have priorities in life. But isn’t our dear love ones’ feelings must also be our priority?
Why? What went wrong? I can only think of a few possible answers. Affairs, the “0ther man" may be the culprit. Discontentment. Yes, man is naturally discontented or cannot be contented. Itching is another! …The seven year itch makes it way evaporating the love into thin air. Is there any cure to this? Many of those questions are only answerable when we get to that point in our life. But can the cycle of pain be stopped? Just look at our grandparents. yes they are not gay, but they do love each other, I am so awed and overwhelmed when I get to see old couples still very sweet and caring to each other after all these years! I think one thing that made their relationship strong is courtship. Most gay men don’t know that word. All they do is look at each other, when a there’s a spark then they do it, a spark after a little action, then they become lovers; well, that is mostly how it happens to many couples I know. Some gay couples met "wholesomely". But all in all there is no long term courtship that is happening. I may sound old fashioned here, but look at how many successful and happy grandparents we have! Yes, I agree in separation, if there is really no chance for both parties to be happy together why not separate? But why not be together too? There is a remedy if we wanted to. Bottom-line courtship is a long and slow getting-to-know stage that will rid of future pain and heartaches if ever we might discover something incredibly annoying, unacceptable and unchangeable about our life-partner to be; or the one we are courting. It also proves ones sincerity and persistence.
Can gay men be as loyal? Or maybe not? Given the fact that men are sexual creatures by default, plus they become gay… here comes the ultra man! A Fully charged up creature that is more than a man! He’s gay! Thus, taking control of himself and his cravings are even more challenging, and that leads to another question. Discipline. Which is another topic.
So, as gay men nears the age of 30, mid 30s, he should be thinking of looking for a partner. Waiting for love I think is for the lazy people, a taxi won’t stop if you don’t wave it to stop, a car won’t go if you don’t drive it. So is love. Love will never find you if you won’t look for it. Waiting for love is just like waiting for a banana to drop in your long opened mouth. If you’re already 40++ and still single, boy. Asses yourself. You may have something serious going on in your emotional system. Or maybe worse, something maybe wrong with your head. Or if you think nothing is really wrong with you and you always end up with bad boys with everything bad in them, well, keep your hopes up! A good guy will come your way.
So what did really happen? Why many gay men end up old and single? I cannot say that they’re happy in their lives. Nor I cannot even say if they're miserable in their lives. Who am I to say stuff? Many men are hypocrites!
So am I.
“We can’t have anything we want, but we can have everything we need.”
*****
*POST NOTE: I wrote this essay when I was 22, I am now 27. A lot have changed, and I have gone through a lot. I can really say that my perspectives have changed dramatically since 5 years ago. Still, that question still remains unanswered, why do we remain alone? Why am I still alone?
Individual standards in partner selection changes through time as we gain experience, get hurt, evolve, and make choices to be happier. I am now questioning what I wrote 5 years go, I now realized that after such challenges, ones point of views about life changes. Like what happened to me. I was then a boy, happy, judgmental on how things work or what must we do to improve our lives. Now that I am the topic of my own lashings when I was younger, it feels different. It feels different now that I am one of those men who are nearing the age of 30, and still alone.
Yes, I know we have friends and family, but nothing is more special than the love of that one special person in our lives that we know who constantly cares and thinks of us. Whom we share our life and our soul as well as ourselves. Loneliness is already biting me, living alone for almost three years, I learned to stand on my own and be happy on my own. Still, nothing beats the gratification that I share all these blessing I have with someone very special. I learned to be strong on my own and to be emotionally independent from other people, whether it be my friends or my family. I learned to be on my own, literally and figuratively speaking.
I do not want to find the answers anymore. I have to live with it, like how I am living now with the virus.
Then again, I have God with me, always with me. So I am never, alone.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
*You moaned "fuck", I said "you"*
As the music plays, in my place
Cigarette smoke fills it with haze
New memories fills up the space
Of where your dying ones used to be
This is the last time that I will write about you
I haven't been craving, for more
...for your warm bed where, me, you tucked
...nor you and your sweet fuck
You left when I was dying
You left me hanging by a string
I fell dead in the middle of our fling
It was darkness like nothing, to me you bring
As the music plays, in my place
Cigarette smoke fills it with haze
I killed your memories and ours too
Go lie in your bed where you fuck your boys
Go lie in your bed, alone
Waiting for some fuck to come home
As you insert yourself to an empty hole
You screw in your lies into some unfortunate soul
As new music fills my place
New memories take your place
As new music plays in my head
On and on, you're pretty much dead.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
For those in pain who are screaming in silence
I just read a blog that I felt so sad for the owner. So I thought to post a song full of angst and pain. The song is so fitting for most of us.
@Inmyhead, this is for you and for all of us, who are so sick!
"I'm So Sick"
- FLYLEAF
I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound
You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
@Inmyhead, this is for you and for all of us, who are so sick!
"I'm So Sick"
- FLYLEAF
I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound
You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
*Paghinga sa pag-asa*
Alam niyo bang kay sarap mabuhay?
Kaya buhayin ang ating mga nahihimlay
...na pag-asa at wag nang matamlay
Anu man ang kwento ng ating buhay
Paniguradong nasa kamay natin ang taglay na kulay
Ng ngayon at bukas
Hanggang sa darating na wakas.
Huwag sayangin ang ating oras.
Huminga ng malalim at ating isipin
Buhay pa tayo at ating yakapin
Ang isang magandang bukas
Na ating mararating.
Kaya buhayin ang ating mga nahihimlay
...na pag-asa at wag nang matamlay
Anu man ang kwento ng ating buhay
Paniguradong nasa kamay natin ang taglay na kulay
Ng ngayon at bukas
Hanggang sa darating na wakas.
Huwag sayangin ang ating oras.
Huminga ng malalim at ating isipin
Buhay pa tayo at ating yakapin
Ang isang magandang bukas
Na ating mararating.
*Ang paglalayag*
Halina't maglayag sa musika ng ating buhay
Iwagayway ang bandilang simbolo at ng kulay
Na magpapaalala sa ating bagong buhay
'wag matakot tungo sa kaligiyahang tunay
Tara, habulin natin ang ating mga pangarap
Halika at tikman ang sarap ng alapaap
Ang buhay at ang mga kulay sa bawat langhap
Ng ating hiningang hiram mula sa langit
Kaibigan, samahan mo akong maglakbay
Sumakay sa bangkang gawa sa pinaghimay
na mga pangarap, bukas, at imahinasyon
Tara at gumawa ng sarili nating konklusyon
Mangarap tayo, at abutin ang mga ito
Basagin na ang mga pusong bato
Maglayag tungo sa buhay na ginto
At lumigaya tungo sa tumtibok na puso
Hindi man natin alam kung anu ang naroroon
Gabay natin ang ating panginoon
Maglayag at itungo ang ating tingin
Sa langit ng nagsisiksikang mga bituin
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
*Untitled rainy day memory*
*Untitled rainy day memory*
We bid goodbyes as you walked to the cab
Your jacket over your head
"Take care" I said.
I headed to the bus stop
As into the cab you hop.
I brave the rain without my hoodie
I was stupid to have left it
I am getting soaked, bit by bit
As I ran to a nearby shelter
I thought that it's a better weather
How I love the feeling of getting wet
As well as the cold drops of sweat
The soft downpour sends shivers
Loving each good feeling it delivers
I love the drops of rain
Spattering on the bus window
I love how it changes the view of street lights
Into little sparks of bright light
As I reached home
I realized I'm alone, again.
...it has been like this.
...for so long.
My cellphone beeped.
My new friend
It was Sunday, 13th of June. We agreed to meet in Makati, but I thought to invite him to watch the sunset so I said we will meet in MOA instead. It was a gloomy day, and he asked why we will meet in MOA? I said I wanted us to watch the sunset, perfect for such a meeting; but it was gloomy. So I then agreed to what was originally planned, we will meet in Makati.
Neither of us were late on the agreed time that we will meet up. He found me looking at some mountaineering photographs at the cinema area of Glorietta 4. He said wanted to have coffee, but Starbucks was full of people. We then proceed to Greenbelt where there are less people, I thought.
We came to Greenbelt's Coffeebean and Tealeaf and found ourselves cozily chatting in one corner of that coffee shop. It was raining outside and a warm cup of coffee and a couple of sweet cookies and a slice of cake was just perfect for that night. My new friend have some boyishly-innocent-naive-little boy aura, which he admits (the innocent) when we were texting. He is such a talkative guy, we barely had a moment of dead air because there was so much we have to talk and can talk about. I had my camera with me so I took photos of him. He obviously felt uneasy at first, but he grew comfortable with the camera as the hours go by. I admit that the photos I took of him weren't my best, I had a difficult time adjusting my camera settings to the lighting of the coffee shop. Despite of the lighting difficulties, I was able to shoot a couple of nice photographs of him. My favorite was when he was looking at my lens while resting his cheeks on his fist. His eyes were just beautiful and with such innocence.
After our coffee shop chatter, we then went to a nearby Italian restaurant and ate heavily, as well as for more talks. We were very full that night. My tummy was almost aching of fulness.
I'm happy to have a new friend who shares the same battles as I am. It's great to have a friend who understands what exactly I am going through and I am the same towards him.
You know who you are. Let's hold on and embrace this new friendship, as we have so much more to dream of and we will fulfill each one of them. I'm just a phone call and a text away. We will keep dreaming, we will keep fulfilling, we will keep fighting.
Friday, June 11, 2010
"So I thought"
"So I Thought"
- FLYLEAF
All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it
Just maybe, we might see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
Just maybe, we might see
Jesus, there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus, there in between
- FLYLEAF
All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it
The times were right
But I couldn't talk about it
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it
Just maybe, we might see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Something there in between
Just maybe, we might see
Jesus, there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus, there in between
Writings for the Satellite part II
*Expressions of the unwritten*
Staring at your photos on a Saturday
Glancing at your messages, everyday
Might as well be crazy in anyway
'Coz you're in my mind all day
I come crashing, untangling
My words and wishes are dangling
Like droplets of rain, hanging
To the roof above our heads
Where our dreams and wishes..
Linger upon, to someday come true
Staring at your photos on a Saturday
Dreaming of you in every way
Looking at your shadows,
and your silhouette image
Imagining myself, right next to you
Somewhere along the way,
we will find where we belong
But right now, nothing can be more strong
If you let yourself be a line in my song
****Now I am fighting the gravity.
Staring at your photos on a Saturday
Glancing at your messages, everyday
Might as well be crazy in anyway
'Coz you're in my mind all day
I come crashing, untangling
My words and wishes are dangling
Like droplets of rain, hanging
To the roof above our heads
Where our dreams and wishes..
Linger upon, to someday come true
Staring at your photos on a Saturday
Dreaming of you in every way
Looking at your shadows,
and your silhouette image
Imagining myself, right next to you
Somewhere along the way,
we will find where we belong
But right now, nothing can be more strong
If you let yourself be a line in my song
****Now I am fighting the gravity.
Dear Vic
After a long overdue conversation with a long time and one of my dearest friends, Vic.
A line of his struck me, after revealing to him that I am now living with HIV...
"What you have is gift, knowing when and what will make you go to what we call the after-life. You have a gift that enables you to prepare and enjoy more of life while you can. Not many people know when their time is up, and many take advantage of that blissful ignorance."
A line of his struck me, after revealing to him that I am now living with HIV...
"What you have is gift, knowing when and what will make you go to what we call the after-life. You have a gift that enables you to prepare and enjoy more of life while you can. Not many people know when their time is up, and many take advantage of that blissful ignorance."
Writings for the Satellite
Somebody stumbled upon my profile in PR, asking if I blog. I did answer but instead I sent him an untitled poem, inspired by his status message. It was the 1st of June.
I am a man, alone
Traveling to his final destination
In this world full of temptations
Breathing, as he feels his world in rotation.
Admires photographs and words
From someone in a different world
Who says he is a satellite looking for a world to orbit
Feeling the waves of a certain heart beat
Checking if on the other side, has it.
We then started exchanging messages in the wired world and eventually through the real-time and wireless means.
I just thought right now what I think the proper title for that poem will be; it is the same title of this entry.
I am a man, alone
Traveling to his final destination
In this world full of temptations
Breathing, as he feels his world in rotation.
Admires photographs and words
From someone in a different world
Who says he is a satellite looking for a world to orbit
Feeling the waves of a certain heart beat
Checking if on the other side, has it.
We then started exchanging messages in the wired world and eventually through the real-time and wireless means.
I just thought right now what I think the proper title for that poem will be; it is the same title of this entry.
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