Thinning depression

MID 2009


I miss my old body, just last 2009 until the early quarters of this year, I can still wear shirts sizes XS and S. Now I can only wear large shirts. Damn it feels great to eat, but it feels worse to have a low esteem caused by a wobbly built. Every pound I gain is a level down on my self-esteem scale.

Just a few weeks ago, a kid at the nearby store said "ang sungit ng mamang mataba". People I don't know address me these days as "mama" or "manong" or "kuya". This extra pounds I bare made me look old too. (sigh)

When I was thin, strangers address me as "iho" or "boy". Last year, cashiers at 711 stores ask me to show them my ID before they can give me a pack of cigarettes, it happened in 4 different 711 stores along Taft, and in Makati. Roving guards and policemen often stop me during my evening photoshoots in Manila, in Intramuros in particular. Asking me for my ID and why I was still on the streets at that time of night, asking me where I study and if I have classes the next day. (sigh)

I really have to lose this extra pounds. My target date is fast approaching. My grandest birthday gift for myself is to lose such weight and to greet 2011 with a better body, be in better shape, be fitter, and have a much healthier body; despite of the virus in my blood. With precaution and proper nutrition, I hope dieting and the speedy weight lost won't have much negative effect on my CD4 count.

I long to live longer.

MID 2005

Of ballooning weight and getting back into shape

Since I got diagnosed, I changed my lifestyle a lot. I mean a lot... I cut down enormously on smoking and together with my new perspectives in life are my eating habits. I am now very careful with what I eat, but also, I also got carried away with this I-need-to-be-healthy regimen of mine. I lost control of my appetite.

I have been having issues with my weight since I started working, which was 5 years ago. I used to weight 128 lbs, that was back in highschool, gained some lean muscles in college and I weight 130. I was lean, I got 6 pack abs and a nice chest, well-defined biceps and thighs. I was into yoga, swimming, running, and bouldering... I was into all those sports almost at the same time. That was before all the stress of the corporate world came. Even before I started working, I rarely eat land animals, I rarely drink carbonated and artificially made beverages. Instead, I was addicted to green tea and milk. I had a discipline of only eating twice a day without snacks in between meals, I also had the discipline to measure all I eat. I was almost normal, I pig out like any glutton out there on parties and special occasions, but I bounce back to my abnormal self of a disciplined eater. So what happened? Stress found me and along came the discovery of uncontrolled eating. I grew to as much as 150lbs, I'm only 5'3".

Last year (2009), I got severely depressed because of many different reasons that I already buried (now). Because of of emotional distress and insecurity issues I did not eat for more than a month. Fine! I did eat, two days every week. For workweeks, I did not eat anything at all, I drink not just water, but two liters of Nestea Fit (the one with 900mg of L-Carnitine) everyday. I lost 35lbs in 3 weeks. I was back to 130lbs in less than a month. The catch was, I looked dry, sick, and fragile. Well I was already sick then (with HIV), I just did not know about it until last April of this year. But oh boy! I was a happy lad. my tummy was flat, I can wear shirts I haven't worn for a long time! I was lean for a period of time. Until I knew I have it.

I know the diet/fasting I did last year might have killed me. Beauty has a price they say, luckily I don't feel any tummy-related sicknesses, yet.

I went earlier to our office clinic and now I weight a whopping 152lbs! Fuck! Some of pants are already tight and all of my boxers are tight as well! My shirts make me look like I'm a hotdog with a tight plastic skin on it! I really have to do something with my body.

I want to see and feel my abs again and those V-cut lines of muscles on my thighs and that almost V-shaped indention of muscle on the sides of my groin. My action plan is in line with this bohemian thing going on, eat greens. Not all vegetables are expensive, some types of fish are still cheaper than land animal meat. Most of all, get back into sports! I can do it. I need to get back into that Yogi-Buddhist-Bohemian-Pescetarian-Sporty lifestyle I used to practice.

I say no to:
1.) Fastfood
2.) Artificial drinks - Carbonated beverages, instant/powdered juices/teas.
3.) Supermarket fruits and vegetables - most fruits and veggies in the grocery are superfed with pesticides.
4.) Processed foods
5.) Land animals!

I did it before. I can do it again.

Discliamer: I can have cheat days - there will be days when we have no time to cook or nowhere else to eat but in the friendly neighborhood fastfood joint.

Target weight: 125lbs
Target date: November 15, 2010.
By that time I can pose nude for that much awaited photoshoot for my photographer friend! LOL!

Whew. Here I go. Day one.