Looking back and moving forward

The last day of 2011.

A lot have happened, I broke up with my boyfriend, I gained a lot of weight, I was confined in San Lazaro Hospital, Fred moved to AIDS stage, I had self-esteem issues, most of the people I know and who are close to me had their own bouts and episodes of painfully heart breaking break-ups. Despite of all the challenging events, there are also a lot of things that I have to be thankful for and which have opened my eyes and heart...

I realized that death is a catalyst to make our lives better and to move forward and dream more. The more we know that we are like any other impermanent thing in this universe, the more we can do something to live life and be alive.

I've met new people online and have moved on to becoming friends with them; some did make an impact on me, and I would like to say my thanks to the new people in my life who make me happy. You will never be forgotten. Moja-Moja, we are fighting the same battle with our condition and you have your own battle to conquer, thank you for being such an entertainer in any manner possible, move-on and move forward, take care of your health. @_poyee , thank you for letting me in, I may be the occasional jerk, but believe me, you make me happy, you reminded me of myself during my days of young; go forth and reach that dream, do not let anyone be a hinder on what you want to become someday. You will be what you to be.

I have met a lot of new twitter friends too, despite of them being the online friends, I greatly appreciate their presence specially during my "episodal" tweets. Thank you for making me smile and for all the down-dirty-sex maniac discussions we have and the many we will have.

To my PLHIV friends, we will be alive, we will be well. I have already met some of you, and may we have so many years of happiness and good health together.

To Mugen, you have indeed proven that real friendship crosses the boarders of physical presence, time, and space for it to exist. We barely saw each other, as in barely, but that only made our friendship grow stronger, proving the norms wrong. Thank you for the time and great effort, specially the unconventional friendship we have flourished through the years. Cheers!

Raztanizta, Pedro, and the my ever maniac straight friend the Head Chopper of kingdom Cum; thank you for the friendship and to our musical adventures, you guys are all I want for a dream boy (Paging Pedro). As during one of our sessions where you forced me to stay up all night... We came up with the following:

"Minsan ka lang makakakita ng taong makakasundo mo, isasaalangalang mo pa ba ang pagkakaibigan niyo?"

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero para siyang kumpleto".

Para sa inyo ito... ito ang tinapos kong tulang ginawa nating tatlo nung gabing hindi niyo ako pinatulog ng maayos!

-Bigla na lang-

Iba't ibang sekswalidad
Iba't ibang personalidad
Isang lalakeng ladlad
Isang lalakeng sa tattoo ay tadtad
Isang babaeng baliktad

Mga palaging biktima ng mga biglaang lakad.
At kung saan saan napapadpad.

Tila mga utak ay kay tataas ng lipad
Kadalasan nama'y mga katawa'y susuray-suray,
sa tindahan, sa daan, sa gate, sa sala, sa kusina,
sa banyo, sa sofa, sa Northpark…
Sa mga kotse ng mga kaibigang…
hindi maalala kung sinu at anu ang pangalan,
minsan pa ay akalang taxi drayber.

Tatlong pagkatao
Tatlong hindi talo-talo
Na hindi patatalo
Sa anu mang pagsubok ng mundo
Tuloy ang buhay.

To PJ, it has been more than a decade, no word or phrases can describe our friendship nor just you and how I am thankful we have endured so many years of so many dramas and whatever. You are indeed a true treasure I will forever keep deep inside my heart and across my very existence.

To Aubrey, you are the platonic girl friend I always and will ever have. I love you!

Xhan, thank you for staying and for being a friend. Hindi man naging totoo ang akala kong magiging akin, naging atin naman and pagkakaibigang totoo. Andito lang ako.

To all the people who were at my side during my times of dismay, and to the unmentioned names which are so many to mention. Thank you so much, may we have many years more to share , endure, and be happy with. We will move forward. Onward to our dreams!

To the readers of the Bohemian Diary, thank you from the deepest depth of my heart for reading the story of my life. There are still and will be more stories to tell, and I hope you will never get tired of visiting and reading my blog. Thank you for the kind words, occasional violent reactions, and cheering up. I will continue to write as the Supernova shares its light to the world.

To my dad, you may not know the existence of this blog. However, I want the world to know that I am truly blessed to have such an understanding, supportive and accepting father. You are a warrior of God, and I am just a boy,  a son... Wanting his father to to be at his side, hold his hand, and say everything will be alright. You did.

Angel, the man behind the boy of the Bohemian Diary, you are forever etched in my soul, you are who I am. We have proven that true love do exist after romance, and true love never dies whatever form it may have and may be. You are my home, and I will forever be your boy.

Treasure the people who were at your bed side when you were sick. Those are the ones who care & will be with you 'till your last breath. 

9 PM on December 16th

What day is it today?
Oh it's another Friday
It didn't seem to be such a long day
Although it took three hours, on the way

To come home.

Listening to a new album
While I look for a little broom
To clean my dusty and messy place, that smells of faint perfume
On my bed, I pushed pillows aside to make room

To lay down and write.

What's with all this rhymes in poetry?
Is it really that necessary?
I don't think so, as long as it can carry...
A sensible thought and a message to many

That is so, I think
I write on and on, but I'm done here, in a blink.

10 Questions

1. What is love?
2. Why do we fall in love?
3. Why do we fall out of love?
4. What is an open relationship?
5. Why does question number four have to be true?
6. Why is there a need to be with someone?
7. What does it mean to love someone? 
8. Is there really a forever?
9. What is fidelity?   
10. Are you alone?

I may know the answers to all of my questions including the general definitions and some form of philosophical explanations and examples. However, those are the questions that we may never be truly able to define correctly, the answers after all, are mainly subjective. 

After some encounters in the past and the not so distant a-while-ago, I again ask myself those questions. 

So I detach myself. It will begin soon. 

Musikang sariling atin, tila tinangay na ng hangin.

Ang daming nahuhumaling sa mga imported na kanta, isa na ako doon, pero tinatangkilik ko at todo supporta naman ang binibigay ko pagdating sa musikang sariling atin. Nakakalungkot lang makita at isipin na tila wala masyadong supporta at kasikatang naibibigay sa mga lokal nating musikero at musikera na hamak na mas magaling pa sa kahit sinung sikat na imported na mangangawit ngayon. Malaking bagay din kasi ang timpla ng panlasa ng mga Pilipino, kaya hindi masyadong nabibigyan ng airplay ang karamihan sa mga lokal nating musikero. Yung ibang kantang imported na pinapatugtog sa radyo ngayon ay walang kalaman-laman kung hindi puro kahalayan, seks, panlalandi, at kung anu-anu pang kakornihan sa buhay tapos i-auto-tune pa ang boses, jusko, ganyan na ba kababa ang kaledad ng mga musika ngayon? Tulad na lang ng isang kantang sikat na sikat ngayon na kinanta ng isang babae, na puro panlalandi lang naman ang laman ng kanta, anung paki ko sa malalaki mong suso o sa mga nag-gagandahang katawan ng mga lalake sa music video mo? Wala.

Sana ay bigyan naman natin ng pansin at pagkakataon ang mga lokal nating musikero at muli nating bigyang buhay ang lokal na industriya ng musikang Pilipino.

Tuwing Sabado sa Jam 88.3 mula alas-sais ng umaga hanggang alas-sais ng hapon, ay wala silang pinapatugtog kung hindi mga kantang Pilipino, Tagalog man o Ingles, lahat ay sariling atin. Makinig kayo at pakinggan ang galing ng ating mga solong mangangawit at mga banda, at sana ay magkaroon ng bagong mukha ang musikerong Pinoy sa puso at isip niyo. 

Narito ang sampung music videos na mga paborito kong pakinggan at panoorin. Yung iba sa kanila ay kilala at alam niyo na, yung iba, hindi ko alam kung kilala niyo na; pero sana ay panoorin niyo at baka o sana ay mahumaling kayo sa musikang gawa ng mga kapwa Pilipino.

Will you live to tell your story? The HIV/AIDS Global Statistics as of November 2011

• More than 34 million people now live with HIV/AIDS.
• 3.4 million of them are under the age of 15.
• In 2010, an estimated 2.7 million people were newly infected with HIV.
• 390,000 were under the age of 15.
• Every day more than 7,000 people contract HIV—nearly 300 every hour.
• In 2010, 1.8 million people died from AIDS.
• 250,000 of them were under the age of 15.
• Since the beginning of the epidemic, more than 60 million people have contracted HIV and nearly 30 million have died of HIV-related causes.

Infected or not, HIV stops with us.

We will live to tell our story.

Stop the spread of the virus. Protect yourself and be informed. 

Don't be a part of the statistics, be part of prevention.

Data source: www.amfar.org

Data as of: November 2011

Nang dahil sa isang commercial: Coca-Cola Where Will Happiness Strike Next: The OFW Project

Wala ako halos alaala ng aking kabataan na kasama ang daddy ko. Dahil dalawang taong gulang pa lang pala ako nung umalis siya papuntang Saudi. Umuuwi siguro siya, pero bibihira. Ang kaibigan kong si Astro na nagtatrabaho sa Singapore ang nagsabi sa akin na panoorin ko raw ang bagong commercial ng Coke. Naantig ang damdamain ko, lalo na yung tatay na mahigit isang dekadang nagtatrabaho abroad. Mahigit isang dekada rin na nagtrabaho ang daddy ko sa Saudi. Ilang taon ng aking kabataan ang hindi niya nakita, ang hindi niya nasubaybayan. Nung nagkita kami, malaki na ako. Parang si tatay Joey Doble sa commercial, kay tagal din niyang nawala at malaki na ang bunso niyang anak nung makapiling niya, ako naman ay highschool na nung makita ko muli ang daddy ko. Yun nga, nang dahil sa isang commercial ay naantig ang damdamin ko at kaya ako bumangon agad sa kama at ni-blog ko itong commercial na ito

Iba nag tama ng commercial na ito sa akin. Ngayon na lamang kami nagkakakilanlan ng daddy ko.

Para sa lahat ng mga OFW na nagtatatrabaho para sa kanilang mga pamilya, sige lang, kayod lang. Mahirap, pero maraming kayong biyayang naipaparating sa inyong mga mahal sa buhay. Marami kayong sakripisyo sa buhay bilang sobrang layo niyo sa inyong pamilya, pero alang-alang sa pagmamahal, gagawin niyo lahat ng iyan. Alam kong ibang klase din ang katatagan ng loob niyo. 

Mabuhay kayong lahat!

Detachment, Endeavor, Discipline

Now at age 29, the writer behind the Bohemian Diary is doing a lifestyle overhaul. Detachment, is one word he has been uttering himself for weeks. Detaching himself from worldly pleasures he is used to; he is now going bare and back to basics. His nude picture that he posted on his birthday is a testament of shedding out his old skin and adapting a new one. His endeavor will be full of challenges, considering his old lazy and procrastinating self is being turned around and will bare a new leaf.

Endeavor, meat no more.

Today is Canonista's day 1 of becoming a vegetarian. Back in the mid 2000s he was one and did not have any difficulty becoming one. It only happened that he stumbled upon a few roadblocks on his thesis making days and got so stressed out that when he saw a roasted rib of pork, he stared at it in amazement and to some universal miracle it spoke back to him, saying... "eat me". So he did, and his vegetarian days were over. Looking back during those days of eating nothing but plants, there was a certain lightness, aside from that he only weighted 129lbs, he was energetic, never got sick a single day and was very physically strong. Today, he is morbidly overweight with a self-esteem down on the ground. He now targets to have a weight of 126lbs, 3 lbs lighter when he first went vegan; that will be his thinnest ever and lightest he will ever be.

Becoming a vegetarian at his current condition will be a challenging one. He must make sure that he still gets all the nutrients he needs, taking into consideration he is not taking vitamin pills and the stress levels he usually get from work. His food intake must not be only nutritious, but also filling enough to get through the day. Another challenge is that he will and must not succumb to external factors such as peers gnarling voraciously at the cooked corpses of animals made into different forms and tastes.

This has a long overdue plan and must materialize and therefore be instilled not only in his lifestyle, but also in his mind and heart.

Vegetarianism is healthy, but not limiting himself to not eating dairy; it does not involve killing animals in the process anyway, it has so many benefits aside from losing weight, but also gaining a fitter and stronger  body.

Tarot card reading.

One fine day, along the way from his exhaustive training day from work. Canonista decided to get off the train and hop out at the Cubao station and fill his need to buy books. He found himself browsing the wide selection of books Powerbooks have. He found himself at the New Age section of the bookstore  and found a Sandman box. It said "in celebration of" on it and he was curious what it was all about so he read more of what was said on the box; he then found out that it was a tarot card deck made in celebration of the Vertigo comics' 20th anniversary. He had never read any of Vertigo's comics and was only familiar with the Sandman character. However, his fascination with that character was more of an art appreciation rather than of the story. He then bought the deck of cards with his belief that it can be a tool to what the universe has to say about his life and his future and other people's future once he has acquired the skills in reading the cards. Canonista has always been a firm believer that we are all interconnected in this vast universe in one way or another and we are also connected with it, that we are not mere small beings in its vastness, but rather a significant and part of its life. After paying at the cashier, he then hurried home, reaching his condo unit before the sun sets for that day.

He skipped reviewing for the next day's quiz but rather read the book that accompanied the tarot card deck, and was awestruck on the cards' artworks. They are not the traditional tarot card deck he thought, and it would take a bizarre mind to interpret. Quite fitting for someone whose imagination only ceases to stop when he is asleep; Canonista thought that these cards are the right cards for him, as bizarre as himself and as abstract as his mind.

After a few hours of reading the book, he then made his first reading using the 3 card spread. Unskillfully, he shuffled and draw cards. A few days after that, he bought another book at the same bookstore where he bought his tarot deck, he purchased a Tarot Bible, he made a reading that same night using the Learning Spread. This time, he is now more convinced and was a little shocked at what power the cards have or rather the impact on his mind it had. The tarot is merely a reflection of the reader's mind, so every reading is subjective rather than objective, just like when someone is looking at an abstract painting, the reader interpret's the cards on a particular layout based on his what the cards mean and on his own personal interpretation, how to weave the cards' connection to one another is also based on the reader's psychological state. Canonista has then have a better insight on himself as well as awareness.

A few minutes ago, while he was writing this article for his blog, midway, he had an urge to do a reading. He used the Gypsy Spread which is a more elaborate layout. It had a past, present and future content as most spreads have, but this one covers more aspects of one's life. He was more interested in the future, but then he understood more about the layout and so he went through each card and on every phase of life (past, present, future) and read it up using the accompanying book as well as what was written in the Tarot Bible. He then thought that the cards are also a way to put a sense of direction in his life, but not dictate where he needs to go. Before doing the reading, he looked up a few articles regarding the zodiac outlook for him in 2012, he was not contented so he asked the cards. Uncannily, the cards seem to give him somewhat the same message of what the zodiac outlook gave him.


The Gypsy Spread and the cards he draw for his reading.


Ace of Swords (focused on lower left): Cutting through Illusion, Realizing the way forward, courage, thinking things through very clearly, facing conflict or pain honestly.
Wheel of Fortune (middle right): Change of circumstances; events taking place of their own accord, without conscious control. There is no certainty in life except uncertainty, synchronicity and coincidence, the only constancy is change itself.


The Fool: The eternal optimist, ready to leap into anything, going on a personal quest, pure and uncorrupt.  Wildness, taking risks, some kind of leap of faith, following your own path.


Some of the cards of the Vertigo Deck.

Discipline.

Is what Canonista lacks in most aspects of his life, thus now is the time to have it, instill and do. He may have so many ideas and goals, but none will materialize if he lacks the discipline to put everything he wants in order and in bright and better perspective.

As he looks forward to the new year, embracing change and leaving luggage behind this year. He strives to be a better person.

The Hermit.

In relation to the detachment from meat, Canonista will also or has already been detaching himself not only to eating meat, but also to other forms of media. He believes that the less one know, the less one will stress about life, but then again, knowledge is power; contradicting to that belief of his. However, to defend that, cutting his cable TV puts him more at peace with himself and with his world, knowing so little of such political wars and other news puts himself in a state of naivety. Which is what he has been wanting, not engorging on such topics that he sees unworthy of his time and emotions, being the "kiddie-heart" that he is. This move, is more of an escape rather than a social development for him.

Escaping the world into his own reality to face it with sanity.